FDR: American Badass!

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1

Now, the whole country

is in a panic.

We've been summoned

to the White House

knowing that the World War

is upon us.

Well, he comes bursting

down the stairs

with his dick resting

over a hanger shouting,

"Does this look too wrinkled

to wear into Congress?"

But that was Woodrow Wilson

for you.

He just didn't give a f***.

The next day

we entered World War I,

and the b*tch of it is...

I never got my iron back.

We got movement.

What do you think Bronson,

is this our grizzly?

Can't tell.

It's moving between the trees

too quickly.

Have a look Governor Roosevelt.

Oh, my God!

What is it?

Werewolf!

Everybody run!

[GROWLS]

We're all going to die!

Don't panic, we just got to make

it back to the cabin.

Wait! Wait!

Why me?

I'm fat and weak.

Probably for exactly

that reason.

No!

Let's get some, boys. No, we

got to keep moving, Frank.

They carry polio.

[GROWLS]

[GROANS]

F*** polio.

Good shot, old boy.

Did you put silver bullets

in that thing, Frank?

No, why?

That's why. Run!

Oh, sh*t.

Sweet Jesus!

What the sh*t?

Ooh!

Why even spend the time

to do that?

Frank, we got to get

the hell out of here.

No chair lift,

we're never going to make it.

We're going to have to go

old school on this.

This isn't a time for that--

we need silver bullets.

[YELLS]

Oh, sick goblins!

Frank, I'm sorry.

Tell Eleanor I love her.

Eleanor has silver bullets.

Eleanor.

Frank, stay with me.

Stay with me, Frank.

Frank, Frank,

stay with me, Frank.

Please.

[GASPS]

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I thought

you were dead, Frank.

Ain't nobody going to take down

The Delano, Kitten Tits.

Kitten Breasts, Frank.

Hey, Frank, how you feeling?

Like a bag full of d*cks

at a lesbian convention.

Oh, language, Franklin.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Eh, Comme sucka des

d*cks at a convention de lesbian.

Oh, that's better.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Easy Lou, just me.

Put that hamster back

in its cage.

Glad to see you awake,

Governor Roosevelt.

Let me just say, on behalf

of the great State of New York,

it is our honor--

Cut the sh*t, doc.

If I wanted smoke

blown up my ass,

I would have spread my cheeks

and jammed a whistling teapot

up there.

Why can't I feel my legs?

When the werewolf attacked you

and bit your leg,

it released a small stream of--

You've got the polio, Frank.

Does my cock still work?

Yes, I had one of the nurses

run tests.

Well,

why is everybody looking

so down? Cock works.

I'll be up and at it

in no time.

Oh, in two weeks, Lou,

I want a rematch

of that 100 yard dash,

you son of a b*tch.

I'm going to get you this time!

I'm going to get you!

Frank, Frank,

you're not hearing me.

You'll never be able

to walk again.

What?

That's the thing

about werewolf attacks--

where you're bitten is where

the polio sets in.

In your case...

it's your legs.

[GASPS] Oh!

God, no.

Why?

Why did you have to give him tiny,

little, shriveled-up polio legs?

Why, why!

I love you Eleanor,

but you got to just

shut-the-f***-up

when grown men

are conversing!

Fortunately, Louis got you

to the hospital

before the polio spread

to your--

Good looking out, Lou.

On the reels,

I'll never walk again?

Can't something be did?

If I'm going to give you real

barbershop talk,

no rashes, no chalk--

with rehabilitation

you might be able to stand

with leg braces--

possibly a cane.

But you will never again walk

without guided assistance.

Well, f*** it then! Just get

a goddamn hacksaw up here

and cut my legs off and sew them

on his goddamn body!

Oh, let's do that.

Keep your pants on, Louis.

That isn't how this works.

There's nothing more we can do.

Mr. Roosevelt,

I'm so very sorry.

Eleanor can take you home

this afternoon.

All right, thank you, doctor.

Louis, can I see you

out in the hallway for a moment?

[ELEANOR WHINES]

Shut up.

What's the skinny, pill pusher?

It's not good for me to leave the Gov by himself.

There's something I need

to show you.

Do not grab your dick and ask me

to guess the temperature.

Motherf***er, I'm not playing

hide the keys

from the jailer either,

understand?

Put the gun away.

What I'm about to show you

affects not only

Governor Roosevelt,

but possibly all of mankind.

I don't understand--

why are we in the morgue?

This is what I wanted

to show you.

What the f***, bro?

Sorry, wrong one.

This is what I wanted

to show you.

That thing's dead, right?

Yes, I had a male nurse

check him out.

I won't go into details,

but I owed him a favor.

Anyway, while he was

shaving him, he found this.

Is that a belly tattoo

of a swastika?

The detail's amazing--

Those f***ing Germans, man,

their craftsmanship

is unmatched.

How do you know the werewolf

is German?

Besides the swastika,

we found this on him.

But why?

We're not at war with Germany

anymore-- this doesn't add up.

I'm not a mathematician,

I'm a damn doctor!

And I didn't train on wolves.

Plus, he's a German.

We have to call in

the authorities.

You shut that whole

spitting sh*t

out of your face,

do you hear me?

Do you hear me?

Yes.

Good, now--

I'm going to pull my Model A

around the back

while you bag

this son of a b*tch up.

Then you are going to help me

load him into the automobile.

And if you breathe a word

of this to the press out there,

so help me God, I will come up

in here with an axe

I will split your ass in two

like a Granny Smith apple.

Do you understand me?

Yes!

Good.

The Governor's had a bad day.

I don't want him seeing any

of this sh*t.

Bag that evidence with it too.

I've had a bad day too.

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

Doctor Bender

to the mental ward, please.

I don't know if I could spend

the rest of my life

in that goddamn thingy.

I know, sweetie.

When we get out of here,

I say we get a second opinion

about attaching Louis's legs

to your body.

[CROWD CHANTING]

FDR, FDR, FDR...

What the hell is that?

FDR, FDR...

Looks like a crowd

is gathered outside.

And they're holding signs

for you--

to run for President,

FDR, FDR, FDR...

among other things.

Hey, Frank, you got a minute?

Yeah, sure-- what the hell's

going on out there.

It's pandemonium, people are

going sh*t house, Frank.

You're all over the news.

We got to get you

out there, boss.

Let the people know

you're all right.

I can't.

At least not in that thing.

Mr. Roosevelt, there's someone out

here that would like to see you.

Unless it's your identical twin,

not right now.

It's a ten-year-old boy, Timmy.

He's stricken with polio.

Werewolf attack?

No, he had a prolonged virus

in his intestinal track.

Well, mine's kind of braver--

sorry.

Frank.

Oh, all right, I'll see him.

God.

Hi, Mr. Roosevelt.

Please call me Governor.

Okay, Gov, Gov, Governor.

Oh, Jesus, is polio going to

make me stutter too?

Oh, no, that's a separate

problem

he's dealing with, as well.

Oh, thank God.

Wha-- why aren't you

in a wheelchair?

Well, Tommy,

Timmy.

Timmy, I uh...

I was just waiting for you

to come in

and push it to me.

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