FDR: American Badass! Page #2

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Did you hear that, son?

Bring the Governor

his wheelchair.

Independent.

There you go.

Well, now we're

twi, twi, twi, twins.

Thanks for taking the time,

Governor.

It sure means a lot to him.

I bet it does.

Well, hmm,

take care of yourself, Tommy-- Timmy.

Timmy.

And why don't you drop

by the mansion

on the sixth Tuesday in July

and we'll have a catch?

Thank you.

Yes.

[STUTTERS] Are you going

to run for President,

Mr. Roosevelt?

You're the only one

who can save us.

FDR, FDR, FDR...

Are you sure you want

to do this, Frank?

I'm sure.

I've got it from here.

How you feeling, Governor?

Like a one dollar bill,

never better.

What was it like being attacked

by a werewolf?

About the same

as having your money

in the stock market,

these days.

Hey, Governor Roosevelt,

there hasn't been a werewolf

attack on a public figure

since Abraham Lincoln in 1860.

Why now?

Ask him.

Oh, no, wait-- head blown off.

Almost forgot about that.

But who am I kidding?

I'm not any better.

Marco... polio.

Hey, all kidding aside,

Mr. Roosevelt, Yep.

you plan on running

for President?

And if you win,

how will it feel

to be the first invalid

ever elected?

Gee, Bob, if I had known you

were going to try to f*** me,

I would have had the hospital

dress me in a nicer gown.

Men are not prisoners

of their fate.

They are only prisoners

of their own mind.

And I will not allow you

to rape the prisoner

inside my mind.

And as far as invalids go--

oh, hell, the conservatives

in this country

have been invalids for years.

He's got that right.

I view this werewolf attack

not as an attack against me,

but an attack

against our nation.

And I will fight the problems

of this nation

with the same tenacity

that I used

to take down

that vicious beast.

So, today I toss my hat

into the ring

with the Democratic Party

to be the next President

of the United States.

God bless America.

FDR, FDR, FDR...

How was that?

It was good.

The part about the prisoner

was a little weird.

I was freestyling, son.

Oh, Frank!

Mrs. Roosevelt,

you're going to have to sit

up front on Franklin's lap.

Ooh.

Why?

Because there's a dead werewolf

in the trunk.

I'll explain later.

Did you debrief him?

Yes.

Cool.

I hate when I have to take

his boxers off.

Is he in bed?

Yes.

Where are you going?

I'm going to sleep

in the guest bedroom.

Do you really think

he should be alone right now?

I can't--

It's just--

His legs--

They're shriveled-up

like two-day-old hot dogs.

I don't want them

touching me.

Eleanor,

He is running for the Presidency

of the United States.

You are his wife

and a potential first lady.

So, what are you saying?

What I'm saying is you have got

to get your sh*t together!

Not just for Frank,

but for the good of the whole

country, do you hear me?

[WHISPERS] Yes.

A divorce will blow his chances

right out of the water

and that just can't happen.

There's too much at stake.

We think

there might still be more...

werewolves out there.

Are you serious?

I thought that was

an isolated attack.

We still don't know.

Oh.

Look,

we'll talk about it tomorrow.

Get some sleep.

Oh.

[KNOCKS]

Yes.

How you feeling, Frank?

Not too bad, actually.

Just getting used to getting

in and out of that chair.

Crawling into bed here, I was

as nervous as a 10-year-old

in a whore house.

I bet.

So,

Eleanor is tending

to the kids?

Yeah, she's probably

going to spend the night

with them tonight--

keep an eye on them.

They've had a pretty big scare.

They have? Sh*t, look at these!

Oh!

Frank, you've got to stop

doing that.

[CHUCKLES]

Here's the paper, by the way.

Thank you.

Let's see.

Oh, American hero

and werewolf killer,

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

announces he's running

for President.

Thank you, mm-hmm.

I hope it mentions something

about my cock still working.

No.

Well, sh*t, call them up!

I want a press release

first thing in the morning.

Before we do that--

But--

let's leak them a picture too.

Before we do that, I have

something to discuss with you.

I don't think there's anything

more important than this.

It's about the dead werewolf.

Stuff it-- hang it

over the mantle.

Put it in the kids' room.

This is serious, Frank.

The doctors ran some tests

and they think

the werewolf might have come

from Germany.

What?

Yeah.

They found some markings

on it

and some literature

next to the body.

German...

why?

I don't know.

But don't you think it's odd

that the last attack

was on Abraham Lincoln

before he ran for President?

The only thing I find odd

is that there's no--

I'm serious, Frank.

I'm serious too, Lou,

I am serious!

All right, what should we do?

Should we call up the FBI

and have them--

No, no, no, I don't want Hoover

to be using

any bullshit German propaganda

against you in the election.

We'll just

get you elected first,

then we'll let them have

a look at the wolf.

In the meantime, I'll beef up

security on the campaign trail.

That's a good idea,

thank you, Lou.

Just keep the kids

out of the meat freezer

for a couple of months

Oh, Lou,

Yeah.

Cancel my soccer camp tomorrow.

I don't think

I'm going to be any good.

Oh, f*** you.

Pleasure.

Yes.

Here we go, there we go.

Excuse me, would you sign

my newspaper?

And does it work?

Damn straight-- the answer

to both those questions.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Lou.

Hey.

So, he reads the sign,

he gets all pissed off,

throws down his pickax

and helmet and starts to leave.

Well, she-- she runs

out of the brothel naked

and says, "No, we don't serve

minors.

You, sir, look well over 18."

[GROANS]

And we go.

Oh, I'm exhausted

and I can't even stand up.

God bless you guys.

Keep laughing, boys.

You think God blessed Tommy?

Hold on, fellows.

Who's Tommy?

Tommy-- Tommy used to work

on the docks.

Unions been on strike,

down on his luck.

It's tough.

So tough.

What happened to him?

Got so depressed,

he tried to off himself.

And who's taking care of him?

His wife, Gina.

Gina works the diner all day.

Working for--

Come over here,

come over here!

Sit on Uncle Frankie's lap.

Okay, sh-hhh.

Your Uncle Delano's going to fix

this sh*t.

You guys are the salt

of the earth.

The real people who make

this country run.

And I am not going to leave you

to live on a prayer!

[CHEERS]

Beautiful melons, mam.

They sure are ripe

for the picking.

I meant your tits.

So did I.

What in the hell is going on

down here?

Okay, Frank, got to get there.

Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, were you ogling

at my wife's breasts?

Mm-mm.

I don't mind if you were.

I just want to view it,

that's all.

Congressman Cleavon Baybridge

Buford-- Repube, Georgia.

Nice to meet you.

Yes, you too.

Did you just say Repube?

Mm-hmm, yes, sir.

You mean Republican?

No, sir.

The form I filled out when I ran

for congress said Repube on it.

It was a professional

form, sir.

It was typed on paper--

maybe even double-space.

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