FDR: American Badass! Page #3

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I think you meant Repub,

short for Republican.

No, sir.

I saved the form, sir.

It is inside a folder

marked official on it.

So, I know that it is real.

Yes, but-- You're probably good then.

Let this one go, Frank.

Nice meeting you folks.

Oh, no stay for dinner.

We've got fried chicken

and fresh biscuits and okra.

I'll go down on you all.

It'll be a nice time.

Excuse me?

My cousin-- wife is excellent

at entertaining guests.

And even though I am a Repube,

it would be an honor to have

the next President

of the United States

over to our house for dinner,

possibly share our bed,

even if he is a Democrat.

No, we have a long campaign

ahead of us.

I don't think it's the--

Sir, I can assure you

that this is

a house where wolves

will not attack us.

Plus, I got some moonshine

which does not taste

like a**hole grease.

Sold!

So I said to her

keep your back straight,

knees bent,

feet shoulder-width apart,

and keep your strokes

to a minimum.

Well, she can't golf

worth a sh*t

but she can give

a hell of a blow job.

It's true.

I'm looking at a big handicap

right now.

Ahhh, Cleavon,

so why do they call

this town Warm Springs?

Oh, Legend has it

that whenever a young Injun girl

becomes a woman,

you know, down there,

she will race toward the springs

and jump inside the water

and begin her menstruation

process.

It is said that the blood

collectively joining together

creates a natural warmth

that gives a man a feeling

as if he is back inside

a womb again.

It will invigorate him

and cause him to do things

that he could only do

when he was a fetus.

Is that true?

Is what true, sir?

The story you just told.

I am sorry,

I am quite inebriated

and I was unaware that I was

speaking out loud just now.

I am shamed.

Who want dessert?

We got peach cobbler,

rhubarb pie,

some southern

strawberry jam cake, and--

Excuse me, this doesn't

seem appropriate.

What is that, sir?

A black slave walking in

with a chalkboard

around his neck

with dessert choices on it.

It seems a little... racist.

These kind people

have taken me in,

given me an education,

shared their bed with me,

given me food,

and you have the nerve

to call them racist.

How dare you, sir?

I have merely been falling

behind on my writing,

so I asked if I may use

the chalkboard

to further my spelling,

and I have to deal with this?

I'm sorry, I--

I shall leave two incongruent

pieces of Georgia pine

next to your bed

in case you want to transfix

them together with twine

and light them ablaze

to make you feel at home, sir!

I didn't mean anything.

May I be excused, sir?

Yes, sure, Curtis.

I shall be in the garden

playing basketball,

should anyone need me.

So, Mr. Roosevelt,

may I escort you out

to the springs?

I think that you will find them

quite delightful.

I know that I do.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I think that would be

quite pleasant.

Mmm, Mrs. Buford,

will you show our esteemed

guest, Louis,

where our extra bathing

suits are?

Oh, that won't be necessary.

I like to be choked.

Mmm, indeed, sir.

Ah, this is remarkable,

I feel so invigorated.

It's like I have full movement

in my extremities again.

Kick your little old

legs, Frank.

Kick your little old legs.

Oh, yeah.

Legend has it

that the Injuns used to come

here to hide from werewolves.

Seems the wolves hate

warm water.

Is that real?

Because earlier you told me

another story about this place.

Mm?

I'm sorry, was I speaking

out loud again?

Yes.

God, sh*t, sometimes I think

that I am silent

when these thoughts

just flow between my lips.

I'm seeing a specialist

about it.

Anywho, my doctor recommended

that I come here

to relieve my polio

after my attack.

What?

Well, you were attacked too?

Mm-hmm, yes, sir--

up in the Appalachian Mountains.

I had taken my nephew, Jimmy,

Jimmy Carter,

on a camping trip.

Well, in the middle of the night

I had awoken

to relieve myself with my hands.

When, all of a sudden,

out of the corner of my eye

I noticed this werewolf

running through the trees

over to the tent,

trying to kill him.

[GROWL]

Uncle Cleavon, Uncle Cleavon.

[FDR]

And what did he do?

Well, instincts kick in

at that point.

And I do the only thing that Cleavon

Baybridge Buford knows how to do,

which is to sprint

over to the tent,

pull out a small sterling

silver cheese knife

I keep tucked inside my pants

at all times,

and kill that son of a b*tch

dead on the spot.

That, sir, was unnecessary.

And you are dead, sir.

Damn.

Well, I got a mild case

of the polio--

enough that I can walk

with a cane

as long as I have plenty

of Georgia peaches. Ah.

Peaches?

Mm-hmm.

Peaches, meet the next President

of the United States,

Mr. Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Much obliged, sir.

Mam.

I didn't touch your wife.

Oh, that's okay.

Our votes are swing,

if you know what I mean.

Let's enjoy the springs,

shall we?

Here, here.

Enjoy the springs.

This, sir,

was a pleasure.

Well, the pleasure

was all mine.

And mine-- twice.

Thanks, Mrs. Buford.

You're mighty welcome, boys.

You all come back soon,

now, you hear.

And good luck on the rest

of the campaign.

Just know that this Repube

will be voting for you.

Cleavon, if I win,

how would you like

to come down to Washington

and serve

as my vice president...

of the hot tub committee.

Are you serious, sir?

Yes, we can always use

a good Repube

like you on the other side

of the aisle.

Sir, you have no idea

how much this would mean to me.

When I was a little boy,

I put a magic hat on a snowman.

And he came to life.

I blacked out, I got all dizzy

and fell over on the ground.

And when I came to,

I looked up

and the sky was filled

with different colors.

We were flying

through the air together,

kicking our little legs.

We were free.

We were free.

I have that same feeling

right now, sir.

Just say, "yes."

Yes-- yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

And sir, don't worry--

we will get you

the great State of Georgia.

I can promise you that, sir.

Even though this is a State

filled with Repubes,

I will take my wife

to every single town.

She and I will suck

as many d*cks as it takes

to get these votes, sir.

That's how much you mean to me.

The experiences we had together,

I will never forget.

Just being friends, you know?

Not in a gay way,

just another politician,

you know?

Just shared

a warm bath together.

I will go door-to-door

and ask each and every person

to have a heart

and vote for FDR.

I will do that, sir.

I will do that.

Love the guy--

crazier than sh*t,

but I love him.

Thank you, sir.

[RADIO] And the results

are slowly coming in.

Here is what we know, so far--

Hoover has won Pennsylvania,

New Hampshire, Vermont,

Delaware, and Connecticut.

Ooh.

Roosevelt has managed to secure

New York, New Jersey, Virginia,

Tennessee, and Georgia.

Hah, hah!

Good old Cleavon Buford,

that son of a b*tch did it!

I'll bet Mrs. Buford

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