FDR: American Badass! Page #4

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carried a few favors too.

Who?

A Congressman we met--

and his wife, lovely people.

Southern.

Two more States have come in--

North and South Carolina

are for Roosevelt.

Yow!

Ah.

Daddy! Daddy!

I have great news.

Being gay is not

great news, James.

We are listening

to the results

to see if your father

is going to be President.

That's just it-- he won.

He won!

Hoover only carried six States.

You carried the rest

of the country.

If you're sniffing glue again,

I swear to God I'll beat you

with a fat man's belt

and wheel over you repeatedly

until you bleed

out of your eyes, nose and ears.

More State results are in--

Florida, Alabama,

Mississippi, Nebraska--

my God, man, every other State

except for Maine

has gone to Roosevelt.

Now, I am the most powerful man

in the world!

Suck it, b*tches!

You can't walk.

I can't walk, I forgot.

Mr. President, secret service

agent, Dan Ru-- therford.

What... the... f***?

Oh, sh*t.

What is wrong with you people?

Get it together, man.

I'm just f***ing with you.

Woodrow Wilson did the same sh*t

when he was elected.

I knew it, I knew it!

But you should tell your son

to stop crapping in that vase.

That's pretty messed up, man.

James.

I'll give you 15 minutes

to collect yourselves.

Then I need to get you to

the White House, Mr. President.

Mr. President.

Mr. President.

Yes!

Wipe yourself, James,

wipe yourself.

[RADIO] And it's official-- the new

President of the United States

is Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Nein!

Turn that scheisse off.

I was afraid

this would happen.

Get Mussolini on the phone,

schnell!

Right away, Fuhrer.

[RINGING]

Rachel Ray's Beach

at Broadway and 7th location.

[GERMAN ACCENT]

What! What the f***?

Whoa, hey,

this is America, Jack.

Who is this?

I'll come down there

and I'll get your f***ing--

Sorry, Fuhrer,

wrong Italian.

That is a take-out place

in New York

that is quite delightful--

thin slices, crispy crust

but not overdone, it's--

[RINGING]

That's amore

Mussolini, it's the fuhrer.

Yah, heil me.

Did you hear

the news?

[ITALIAN ACCENT]

I heard all about that sh*t.

We should have taken him out

when we had the chance.

I sent my best man

to take him out

before he decided

to run.

But the polio only spread

to his legs.

What about the cock?

It still work?

Jah.

Ah, sh*t!

The last thing we need

is a big swinging dick

in the White House

trying to f*** up

a whole world takeover.

You are preaching

to the gas chamber on this one.

We already lost Franz.

Okay, hold the phone,

I'm going to get Hirohito

on a 3-way.

Get me Hirohito

on a 3-way.

[RINGING]

Hirohito's on 61st

and Madison.

Hello, who?

Hirohito's dry cleaner

on 61st and Madison.

What's the matter you?

Hey.

I'm so sorry, boss.

That's a dry cleaning place

I send out to in New York

for my uniform.

Perfect amount of starch--

not too much, not too little--

Hitler, is it too much to ask

to have a decent assistant

hate America like me?

[LAUGHS]

Tell me about it.

[RINGING]

[JAPANESE ACCENT]

Hello.

Hirohito, it's Moosie

and Hitler.

Ooh, you using that new 3-way

switchboard technology

my scientists invented.

I told you the Japanese

were good at electronics.

Yeah, you also make

a nice car

but better

you no drive, huh?

That's funny.

You heard about FDR?

He got elected.

Of course, I did.

And I'm not happy

about it!

Hitler, you were supposed

to take care of him.

If this is going to be

one of those

gang-up-on-Hitler calls,

I'm out.

I say we go to war.

Okay, not yet.

I'm going to send my mafia

guys over to America.

And they're going to handle

this problem

and make it disappear.

I'm going to pollute

the whole country.

And how do you plan

on doing that?

Prohibition.

You see, these guys

still bootleg

my fine Italian wine.

So, I'm going to take

my werewolf blood

and I'm going to stick it

in my wine

everybody drink in America.

Then everybody going to be

like us--

a werewolf.

FDR, he going to have

no chance.

I'll make

that whole country

howling at the moon.

[HOWLS] Yes, jawohl, I like it.

I'll give some of mein fine

German beer

to take, as well, huh?

Me like it too.

Count me in.

We will donate sake.

Sake?

Sake is for women

und the gay community.

Laugh it up, b*tches!

Sake is a sensual drink

that relaxes the mind,

body, and--

That's so funny.

Fine!

F*** you!

3-way done!

Pull it!

Mr. President, may I present

to you, George Freeman,

the official White House butler.

It's an honor, sir.

Freeman, Mother.

Yes, sir.

Kind of ironic, isn't it?

I guess so.

Well, we're going to set

this motherf***er off, George.

Pound my sh*t!

There's some weed

in Washington's humidor--

third drawer down on the right,

good stuff--

no sticks, no stems, no seeds.

My negro.

Literally.

Mr. President,

may I present to you

White House secretary,

Miss Melissa Ricksman.

Mr. President,

anything you need,

anything at all,

don't hesitate to ask.

Anything you dictate,

I will transcribe.

My dictate works just fine.

I mean my dick,

if I was going to dictate

something,

I would talk directly

to the American citizens.

I'm sorry, sir,

I'm not understanding.

You are going to talk

to them directly,

as in town gatherings?

No, what I mean is--

George, how are you with radios?

I'm black, son.

Cool!

Then rig that b*tch up--

so I can speak

directly through it

to the entire nation.

Cool.

Hat.

Oh.

There you go, sir.

Right there.

Check one-two, check one-two.

Yo, turn me up

in the headphones.

Your levels are proper, kid.

Now, let me turn

this record player off.

Ooh, sh*t, sorry guys.

No, no, no, George,

keep doing that-- I like that.

The Delano needs to chat

fireside up in this b*tch.

Let that beat right out.

Franklin, I think

this is inappropriate.

Shh, grown men conversing--

seen, not heard, Eleanor.

George, keep scratching.

My fellow Americans,

this is your new President,

Franklin

Delano Roosevelt,

a.k.a. The Delano,

a.k.a.

Big Baby Juice Maker.

And I'm chatting to you

live from the double O.

First of all,

I want to thank you for electing

me as your President.

On the reels,

that was a smart play.

Hoover was great.

They'll probably name a dam

or a vacuum cleaner

after him some day, but--

he wasn't cut out

for what lies ahead.

I know times are hard.

Some of you

are probably wondering

where your next

meal is coming from, or

who your next employer

is going to be.

Hey, hold my hole.

Back of the line--

wait for the glory hole.

You-- glory hole four.

Shh, wait, wait.

I got to hear what

he's got to say.

Me too.

or even if you're

going to be able

to buy your wife

flowers anymore.

[FART]

James,

stop crapping in that vase!

Sorry, Manny.

If your daddy wasn't President,

I'd steam your chest

like I was Grover Cleveland.

I want you to rest assured

that The Delano

is going to handle sh*t.

I've got a new deal for you.

I vow

to end the recession

and get every American

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