FDR: American Badass! Page #5

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working again.

How the hell's

he going to do that?

How the hell am I going

to do that, you ask?

I'm going to

close our borders

and block foreigners

from coming in

and taking away jobs

from Americans.

I'm going to give incentives

to farmers who provide us

with healthy food.

And last, but not least,

I'm going to end prohibition.

I want to be able to come home

after a hard day's work

and drink a glass

of whiskey and milk

like a goddamn man!

You hear that, darling?

We don't have to make

toilet wine anymore.

Put the kiddies to sleep.

Parents,

push your beds together.

And know when you wake up,

you will wake up

to a new America.

This is The Delano,

signing off.

God bless.

You're off the air,

Mr. President.

Jesus, Frank, what was that?

I was freestyling again, son.

Gangsta, wasn't it?

Parents pushing

their beds together--

that is disgusting.

Oh, come on, Eleanor.

I think by now

the American people

know that babies do not

come from storks.

Hell, we have six kids.

Let's make a seventh

one, tonight.

Ooh! Ooh!

You're sick.

I'm going to tend the children.

I loved your speech,

Mr. President.

Thank you.

I don't know, Frank,

shutting down the borders,

ending prohibition.

Sir, speaking of prohibition,

I think there's something

you need to see--

the FBI would like to have

a word with you.

Ooh, all right, Captain Ominous.

The f***ing guy.

[CLANK]

Oh, way to go, Einstein.

Our scientist, Albert Einstein--

a real jackass.

Mr. President, may I present

Douglas MacArthur,

Chief of Staff

of the United States Army.

Mr. President,

Call me Frank.

Dougie Mac.

Peace be with you.

And also with you.

My father was a midget

so, I'll keep it short.

I heard your speech about ending

prohibition, earlier.

Dope, wasn't it?

I was freestyling.

And I can go along with that

when we f*** all those bastards

who wanted prohibition

in the first place.

But unfortunately sir,

you can't end it right now.

Why not?

What we have here

is a pale lager.

And apparently it's been shipped

from overseas.

Now, some college students

have bootlegged it

and drank it,

and have been wolfing out.

Well, what did you do to them?

We killed them!

Is that legal?

We're the United States

Government-- anything's legal

F*** yeah.

Now we ran some tests on this

and sure enough we did find

some small traces

of werewolf blood in it.

And the beer itself

came back German.

Same as the wolf.

Motherf***er!

And that's not all.

We got a report that some kids

went full on beast mode

after drinking some wine.

So, we tested that, as well.

And it came back Italian.

Polluted with wolf blood.

Doesn't make any sense, Dougie.

Tell me about it.

Oh, and there was

a lone case of sake

that was found

in the freighter.

Untouched, obviously.

Obviously.

Anybody drank that,

they'd come down

with a fast case

of dick-in-the-mouth.

Chief symptom--

foaming at the ass.

They'd start smelling

in the testicular area.

Shut the f*** up, Einstein!

Damn!

Now, I know this may

sound crazy, Mr. President,

but we think that Germany

and Italy and Japan

are joining forces

to form a kind of axis of power

to take over the world

and turn everyone

into werewolves.

Thundercunt!

Yes, it's a real fuckery!

That same freighter is back

unloading at a warehouse

on a dock in Baltimore.

I have a team of my men

standing by.

No, that won't be necessary.

I got this sh*t on lock.

I had a feeling

you were going to say that.

Heard you were

a real hard-core S.O.B.

You know, don't let

this limp fool you.

I'm as street as they come.

You cross me and the

motherfuckers come undone.

No tux, no cummerbund.

Respect-- Einstein, the chair.

The chair?

I call this the Delano 2000.

Oh, sh*t.

That's what the f***

I'm talking about!

Welcome to death row, gentlemen.

Ha-ha!

This chair is fully tricked-out

with two rocket launchers,

as well as 164 rounds

of silver bullets

inside the wheel wells,

that when spun, activate

a machine gun-like intensity.

Why do you call it

the Delano 2000?

Because with this

the Delano is going to blow

those werewolf asses

into the next century!

Regulators, mount up.

Hey Paulie, what the f***?

Will you watch

what you're doing!

You're going to spill that sh*t,

you f***ing mook.

Now that would be a shame.

Wouldn't it?

FDR.

Wow.

Surprised to see

you here.

Hey, how's that polio

treating you, huh?

Hey, I heard you were

on your last leg.

But I thought you were

a stand-up guy.

I'm sorry, is that your face

or are you talking

out of a vagina?

You crippled motherf***er!

Get him!

Okay, okay, okay!

Please, don't kill me, please.

Oh, well, since you're being

so nice and saying, "please,"

the least I can do

is offer you a drink.

All right!

What the hell do you want, huh?

I'll do anything.

I'll suck your dick.

What?

I'll suck your dick.

Please!

Get the f*** out of here

and show some respect

for yourself, man!

Thank you, thank you,

Mr. President.

And tell your leader,

if I see another werewolf

on American soil,

I am personally going

to come over there,

roll down the streets, and kill

every last motherf***er

I see with a face comb-over.

Do you hear me!

The Delano don't give a f***!

Boss,

Eh, what's the matter

with you?

I'm making cannoli,

you scared me out of my skin.

I mean,

I know we're werewolf,

but have some couth,

for Chris sake, huh?

I'm sorry, boss.

How did the drop off go?

Not too good, boss.

You see, Roosevelt showed up

and uh... he sort of killed

everyone.

How the hell he kill everybody?

The guy got polio,

for f*** sake!

That's just it--

he rolled up in some kind

of tricked-out

wheel-f***ing chair

with machine guns

and missile contraptions.

I don't know.

But you still alive--

how do you do that, eh?

You suck the dick?

Oh, you suck the dick?

Oh, you suck the dick, Vincent.

No suck the dick.

Eh, Vincenzo,

do me a favor.

You take a little plug

over there,

you stick it in the wall

in the hole that says Hitler.

Yeah, I make a call, go ahead.

Yeah, sure, boss.

Anything else, boss?

No, I'm good, Vincenzo.

[SIGHS]

[RINGING]

You got to take a drink.

Hitler, it's Moose.

Sh*t got f***ed up.

FDR, he iced everybody.

Scheisse, I told you that guy

was ein badass.

What do you

suggest we do?

You already know

my answer.

It rhymes with go

to f***ing war.

Big shock, there.

You talk

to Hirohito?

No, I'll get him

on the 3-way.

Oh, scheisse!

Are you playing beer pong again

with the big-titty girl?

Who me? [LAUGHS]

No, we're just working on

plans to kill Jews. Ah.

Get me Hirohito.

[RINGING]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Hiro, it's Moosie

and Hitler.

Excellent, how did

the mission go?

Is Franklin dead?

No, he sniffed out

our plan

and kill all

my mafia guys

before they had a chance

for the beer and the wine

to spill

and take effect.

Did anyone think--

Sir, this package just

came for you.

Did I not kill you already?

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