FDR: American Badass! Page #6

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No, sir, we do not

all look alike.

I'm on 3-way long distance!

I'm sorry, sir,

but this is from America.

There's a card that's

from the White House

Hold on, guys.

Son of b*tch!

I say we go to war.

If we spread

the werewolf virus

across to neighboring

countries,

we can take over

the world slowly

and we crush him!

Yes, finally someone

who gets it.

Hito, you are awesome.

I'll start with Austria,

Czechoslovakia,

und then we march

into Poland for lunch.

I will take over China.

Cool, I'll take

Ethiopia.

What!

You f***ing p*ssy.

Ethiopia, really?

What, Ethiopia

is strong.

Great runners--

guys run very fast.

Plus, Hitler,

you going to need

somebody coming up

from the south

when they retreat down.

Yeah, well, it's kind of ein

b*tch move, but whatevers.

Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy.

Eh, f*** you guys.

Eh? Moosehead out.

Drink up, b*tch,

salute the fuhrer--

Heil me, Heil me.

Are you playing beer pong?

[MAKES GUTTURAL SOUNDS]

Can't hear you--

bad reception.

Now, where were we, Fraulein?

The werewolfs are

spreading fast.

That's why I came here

in person, he needs our help.

Have you ever met him?

No, but I heard he's

a big drinker.

Who isn't?

Well, I've invited Buford

and his wife to join us.

Hopefully,

he'll help break the ice.

Who's this--

Frank, I came as soon

as I got your message.

Oh, hello, Congressman

Cleavon Baybridge Buford,

Repube, Georgia--

also vice-president

of the hot tub committee.

My wi-- well, I'm sorry,

Dougie Mac, is that you?

No, I don't think we've met.

Oh, sure we have.

You did a cannonball

into the hot tub last week

when the Swiss delegates

were there.

No, I think you're thinking

of someone else.

You're hung like

a full-grown ox.

That's Dougie Mac!

Mr. President,

may I present to you,

Sir Winston Churchill.

You guys are drinking.

And during a time like this.

Jesus, honestly,

had I known this,

I would have come earlier.

Rosey, you old son of a b*tch.

Oh, Winny, Winny,

it's nice to meet you.

Buford, would you pour him

a drink?

Yes, sir, in just

a moment, sir.

I bring my own.

Well, that's my kind

of man, yes.

Call this the Georgia sweet tea.

Thank you, Mrs. Buford.

Boy, this drink is as stiff

as a dead man's cock.

Thank you, sir.

I take great pride in that.

My father passed away

with an erection.

Look, Rosey,

I'm going to cut through

all the dumb sh*t--

we're at war.

And these goddamn werewolves

are getting

closer and closer to us

by the day.

So, what do you need

from The Delano?

Supplies, ammo, ships, tanks--

anything you can spare that will

stop these f***ing things!

And look, we're the only ones

who speak English

over in Europe.

You need us to be

werewolf free.

Ireland speaks English.

You need someone

you can understand.

Half the time I don't

even know

what these potato f***ers

are trying to say.

Look, just lend me something

that will blow their minds.

Fine, I will lend you my wife.

I will do it for my country.

Thank you dear lady.

But I actually need

real weapons.

Are you saying my wife's breasts

aren't real weapons?

They have killed lesser men.

They're powerful, sir, but I

need weapons

of steel and smoke and noise.

Well, you can motorboat them

if you want

and make your own noises.

Well, let me level

with you, Winnie--

I want those sons of b*tches

wiped off the face of this earth

just as much as you do.

But I have to justify this

to the American people.

Dougie, do we got

any extra sh*t?

Sure, we can open up some more

defense plants too.

Frank, there's an election

coming up.

No offense, Mr. Churchill, but

we can't just lend it to you.

But we could lease it to you.

And whatever you use,

you pay for.

So it would be sort of a--

a lend-lease kind of program?

Exactly.

You've got a deal!

Oh, damn, go Winnie!

Also, uh...

I could lease you my wife.

Yeah, whatever holes you use,

you pay for.

I think we'll all take

that deal.

To the hot tub!

Yes, sir, to the hot tub.

Did you bring cash?

Mr. President,

Uh-huh.

I have an urgent telegram

from Churchill.

Please read it aloud.

[SHOUTS]

Rosey, it's me!

No, I didn't mean loud.

Just read it normally.

Rosey, it's me,

Winnie has his head stuck

in the honey pot on this one.

Need troops.

Send Miss Buford over too.

XO, W.C.

Oh, sh*t.

I was afraid of this.

I was trying to keep us

out of this damn war

as long as I could.

Being President

of the free world is--

oh, it's so stressful.

I bet-- sir, anything

that I can do?

How about a massage?

That would be rad.

No, what are you doing? Don't.

Don't, no, they're all

shriveled-up from polio.

I don't mind-- just sit and relax.

Don't-- don't.

Shh-hhh

Oh, God, that feels so good.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

[GROANS]

Eleanor hates my tiny, little,

shriveled-up polio legs.

I don't.

Oh God!

They remind me of home!

Huh?

I used to enter the hot dog

eating contest

every year at Coney Island.

So sexy!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

[GROANS]

Tie me, Frank, tie me!

Frank,

What the sh*t?

It's not what it seems, unh-unh.

Oh, it's not?

Because it looks like

your secretary is sucking

mustard and ketchup off of you.

Then it is what it seems.

And it looks

like Eleanor Roosevelt

is going to have

to strong arm a ho!

Get the f*** out of here,

I need to talk

to my husband, b*tch!

Really, Franklin.

Jesus.

Oh, my God, just look

at yourself.

You are President

of the United States!

Frank! Ooh.

What is it, Louis?

MacArthur's here with General

Eisenhower-- says it's urgent.

Oh, of course,

it's always f***ing urgent!

Well, I--

Well, I, oh-- by all means, go.

And if they ask you

what happened here,

just tell them a rainbow

took a sh*t on your legs.

[CRIES]

Do you have a handkerchief,

Louis?

I think it's going to take

a full-blown shower, chief.

Talk to her--

Eleanor's more important.

I'll make the Generals wait.

Jesus.

General, General...

wait.

Oh, so this is what

this room looks like.

I wouldn't know because you've

never let me sleep in here.

Don't you dare try to turn this

around on me.

I saw that whore on her knees

rubbing and moaning all over you

as she touched your le--

What?

My what, Eleanor?

Say it.

I want you to say it.

Your le-- le-- le--

Legs-- my tiny, little,

shriveled-up polio legs!

Eleanor, take a good look

at them!

No.

Look at them.

I can't, it's just too hard, Frank.

Is it?

Is it hard for you, Eleanor?

What about me?

I'm stuck

in this damn wheelchair

for the rest of my life

with a wife

who doesn't want to have

sex with me.

I may be the only President

in the history

of the United States

who's never

gotten laid in office.

And this is my third term!

Now, am I going to ball

the secretary,

who obviously has daddy issues,

of course I am!

Because, at least,

she shows some interest in me.

Did you honestly believe

that I thought

that you had to tend

to the children

every night

for the last nine years?

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