FDR: American Badass! Page #7

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Eleanor, we have one kid

who's old enough

to sh*t in a vase!

I know.

Excuse me.

I have to go tend

to an entire nation.

Damn you, Frank!

At ease, gentlemen, sit.

What's the haps, Dougie Mac?

And who the f*** is this?

This is General

Dwight Eisenhower,

call sign-- Dew Drop.

Mr. President,

it is a pleasure for me

to be here--

Let's keep the pleasantries to

the left hand on your clam bag.

You know, I'm surprised to see

you boys here this late.

This better be important.

Well, sir, I only wish

we were here to tell you

about some hot dog eating

contest that's gone wrong.

But we're not.

What the f*** did you just say?

Come here.

Come here.

Come here-- a little closer.

Yes, sir.

I can f***ing weigh you down,

pretty boy!

Mr. President!

Mr. President!

Mr. President!

Okay, all right.

You still got it, you old

son of a b*tch-- good!

We're going to need your spirit.

For what?

War!

I got this telegram

from Churchill.

Sh*t is f***ed up

over there.

He's not going to be able

to hold out much longer.

They're converging from all

angles, Mr. President.

Germany has already taken

Austria, Czechoslovakia,

Poland, and France

is likely next.

Of course, they're pussies.

Japan has taken

complete control of China

and now, they're focusing

on Russia.

I also got a telegram

from Missy, from your secretary,

from the Prime Minister

of Ethiopia.

Italy has taken them over

and I dismissed it because--

Because it's f***ing Ethiopia.

In all seriousness, sir,

I know you've been trying

to avoid going to war

for years, but now--

We must blast

their f***ing asses!

Player to player, pimp to pimp,

I appreciate it.

Well, let me put my mind

on the grind

while you unwind--

just for tonight.

I'll go fireside

on their ass tomorrow

and when the American people

come home from work,

I'll tell them...

that we're going to war.

I want you two to strategize

a plan of attack.

And we'll reconvene at O. H.!

[BOTH] R.O.

I'll catch you

in the heart of things.

Mr. President.

Mr. President, do you need

anything before bed, sir?

You got anything that will

tell me what to do

with this f***ing mess

I'm in, right now?

Third drawer down on the right--

Washington's humidor.

It'll give you advice

on everything you need to know.

What kind of sh*t

were you into, G-dubs?

Oh.

[MALE VOICE] Jane, Mary Jane,

Mary Jane, how I miss you.

Over here, boss.

You going to choke on that

like a prom date

or are you going to give

The Honest One some?

Oh, sh*t, I'm high.

Yeah, that's rad.

Would you pass that dutchie

to the right-hand side--

I've been dead for 75 years

there, chief.

Thanks, dude.

Why don't you come with me?

We're going to talk.

Are you real?

No, only when other presidents

are in time of crisis

and need advice.

Oh, man, that is so cool.

Yeah.

There's this president in

the next century-- Uh-huh.

Obama-- he's going to be talking

to me a lot.

Oh, man, you got

a raw deal

with that whole

John Wilkes Booth thing.

Mary Todd had to go

to that f***ing play.

B*tch.

Hey it sounds like

you did any better.

Where?

What has two wheels,

looks gay, and isn't a bicycle?

This guy.

D'oh!

Well played, sir,

well played.

Oh, f***, Linc, I'm in a real

sh*t-pickle with the missus.

She caught me playing hide

the wrench in the steam engine

with my secretary.

I know, I saw that.

What?

You bastard, you were watching?

Of course.

You were about two minutes away

from her throwing your legs

over her head.

Somebody had told me

that the Japanese,

that their werewolves

are teaming up

with the German

and the Italian werewolves

and they're trying

to take over the world.

But I just can't

figure out why.

Now, you were attacked,

right?

Do you have any insight

on the werewolf tip?

Werewolves-- they're

telepathic-- always have been.

They can sense when someone's

born with true greatness--

someone who's a revolutionary.

That's what they see in you.

It's what they saw in me.

It's what they saw

in Washington.

Hey, what, did they attack

G-thing too?

That's why he left

his weed.

That's why I could have

this talk with him,

and so, you could have

this talk with me.

Why didn't they go

after Woodrow?

Oh, I mean, he was, you know,

there for World War I.

That was a b*tch war.

We really didn't need

to be in that sh*t.

G-dub was a rocking

revolutionary.

I laid the beat down on civil

and you're the man.

You are the man to lead us

through the deuce.

Oh, sh*t, I don't know

what the hell I'm doing.

I'm just freestyling

half the time.

I just do what I feel is right.

I didn't know what the f***

I was doing.

Sh*t.

I thought so.

Don't worry, man,

I just did what I believed

in my heart.

You do the same

and you'll be straight.

You're one

cool motherf***er, Linc.

I know.

You are, man,

you are.

You want to see something cool?

What's that?

I can f***ing fly.

This is awesome!

Isn't it?

Hey look, there's my monument.

Is there going to be a statue

like that of me?

No, no, no, but they're

going to name like,

a thousand high schools

after you.

That's cool.

Yes, it is.

Hey, Hey, check it out.

There's a hot dog vendor.

You-- you hungry?

Hey, FDR, this is for you,

Roosevelt.

Yeah!

Oh, you f***er!

[GUFFAWS]

Oh, sh*t.

What?

Look at them.

What's up, Abe?

Thanks for freeing me.

Look, I'm f***ing a white girl.

You're welcome.

Emancipate that ass.

You know this, kid.

God damnit, you are cool.

I know.

Here you go, Sam.

Who's that?

That's Uncle Sam,

the bald eagle of justice.

Why don't you grab on to those

wings and he'll carry you home.

Oh, no, no, no,

I'm too heavy.

No, if he can handle Taft,

he can certainly handle you.

Come on there, Frankie,

grab one of those wings

of justice.

Grab on and he'll take you home.

No, I can't.

No, I can't, no.

You can do it.

I can't, I can't--

oh, sh*t!

Hey!

You weren't honest at all!

[YELLS]

You okay, sir?

I had this weird dream.

Louis, get Dougie Mac

and Ike on the phone.

Right away, sir.

Scrambled eggs and sausage, sir?

You look like

you have the munchies.

Oh, that sounds good.

Jorge,

Si, senor.

Respect.

For what?

Let's get wet.

Louis, you got him?

Our drop point

is right here, gentlemen.

And once you hit

the ground

you have to hit

the ground running.

Our element

of surprise,

it's only going

to last so long

once they finally

figure out

that we're actually launching

a full-scale attack.

Attention!

I got it from here, Ike.

I know what you're thinking,

as you stare at that map.

Hell, I'm thinking

the same thing.

How in the world

are we going to storm

the beaches of Normandy,

take down an entire army

of werewolves,

and still make it to a French

titty-bar by last call?

At ease, gentlemen.

I am not going to tell you

that there aren't

going to be casualties,

or that it's going to be easy.

Because it's not.

Unfortunately, that is

the business of war.

I can't change that.

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