FDR: American Badass! Page #8

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But I can lead by example.

And not the example

of somebody

who has survived

a werewolf attack

and now wheels back and forth

in front of you

like a God damn cripple

in a wheel chair!

That's right--

take a good look.

Cripple in a wheelchair!

Cripple in the wheelchair!

I could have heard that

my entire life

as people waited on me

hand and foot.

And there's nothing wrong

with that.

Except I wanted more--

I wanted to be the President

of the United States.

I wanted to lead

this great nation of ours

in its darkest hour.

And now I am going to lead

you into war.

I am going to fly

the first plane in

and lead our troops

onto the beach.

"Why would you do this?"

you might ask.

Not because I'm President

of the United States.

Not because it's

the heroic thing to do.

I am doing this to prove

to those werewolves,

that despite their attack,

I am not just

going to sit here

like some cripple

in a wheelchair!

Now look,

I know that you're scared.

Hell, I'm afraid too.

But I want you to remember...

we have nothing

to fear, but...

fear itself.

Now, let's go kick

some werewolf ass tomorrow!

Hito's been handled,

he won't bother us anymore.

Word.

Yep.

F***ing Einstein--

That project he was working on

in Manhattan is ready.

Way to go, Einstein.

Let me go with you.

No, Lou, The Delano's

got to do this on his own.

I'm a motorcycle of death.

I ain't got no sidecar.

I know.

Chair's all loaded

with silver Bs.

Rockets are loaded.

You're all set.

Thanks, man.

Oh, Lou, I just want you

to know,

if anything happens to me,

take care of my mistress,

will you?

I have a spare key

for the Lincoln bedroom

underneath the mat,

but you might want to change

the sheets first, though.

Okay.

Word.

Word.

Give them hell, Frank!

Yeah!

Tower one, this is

Franklin Delano Roosevelt,

call sign-- Wheels of Steel.

Ready for take off.

[RADIO]

Roger that, Mr. President.

This is

Commander Winston Churchill,

call sign--

Big Fish and Chips.

You're clear for take off.

Winnie, you old son of a b*tch,

what are you doing in there?

Do you think I'd miss this?

If I wasn't drunk and blind,

I'd be up there with you,

right now.

I appreciate that, Churchie.

No retreat.

No f***ing surrender!

God damn right!

Now, go over there and blow

those f***ing werewolves

off the face of the planet!

Over and out.

May God be with you, Frank.

Oh, come on, George.

I'm fidgeting here

like a three-peckered puppy

in a wood chipper.

Hold on, hold on,

I'm almost there.

[RADIO]

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

I think that's him.

So, I said to Stalin,

"I don't care

if you are Russian,

you can't grab

another man's cock at dinner

and say, 'Sorry, I thought

that was my breadstick.'"

You know? [LAUGHS]

That's him all right.

[CHURCHILL] Commies, what are

you going to do with them?

They're all dick grabbers.

They love it.

All right, Frank,

you're approaching France.

Let's go silent on the radio

unless it's necessary-- over.

[FRANK]

Over and out.

Get a hold of him?

Yeah, I think Stalin

got a hold of him, personal.

That is enough, George.

Sorry, go back to standing

in the corner and being black.

How are you, Eleanor?

I'm hanging in there.

I'm just so worried.

Yeah.

Can't imagine what

you must be feeling.

Boss, boss, it's FDR.

Whoop, what the f***?

[CHURCHILL]

What is it, Frank?

I'm under attack.

Jesus Hightower Christ,

they're lighting me up like

an Indian peace pipe

before the first

Thanksgiving dinner!

God damnit, Frank,

get the hell out of there!

I can't, there's

too much fire power.

These f***ing werewolves

are relentless.

Ha ha, it's time to go

cripple-dick crazy

on these motherfuckers!

I was going to open

a chain of Italian

restaurants in America

with a staff that make

you feel like family.

I was going to call

the Olive...

Garden.

What kind of name

is Delano, anyway?

It sounds Jewish!

Oh, oh, sh*t.

Sh*t, I'm hit, I'm hit.

[CHURCHILL] Talk to me, Frank, Talk to me.

The right engine is out.

[FRANK]

I'm going down.

I'm going down.

I'm going down!

Frank!

Mayday! Mayday!

This is

Franklin Delano Roosevelt,

call sign-- Wheels of Steel,

I'm going down!

I'm going down!

I got to bail out--

too much firepower.

I don't know if I'm going--

[RADIO NOISE]

[SOBS]

No--

I am a President's wife.

I knew what I was getting into

when he took the job.

George,

Yes, mam.

could you get me the bottle

that Mr. Daniels sent over?

Yes, mam.

Thank you.

[WHISPERS]

Cheers.

I'm sure he's all right.

He's got to be all right--

it's Frank, right?

[ELEANOR BELCHES]

Come here, you son of a b*tch.

I got your back, Frank.

What the hell

are you doing here?

I stashed myself away in there

just in case you might

need some help.

Oh!

Plus, I wouldn't miss

a chance

to help you kill

some werewolves.

Hold on, I'm going to get

you out of here.

Underneath the arms.

Friends until the end, Frank.

Friends until the end!

Hang on, Frank, I'm going to get

you out of here.

You ready, Frank?

Red-eye!

Follow me!

Wow, we're really high up here,

aren't we, Frank?

We're really doing it.

We're going into war.

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t.

What?

Hey, Frank,

remember when I said,

"Friends until the end?"

Yeah.

well, this is the end.

I'm not wearing

a parachute.

I'm definitely

going to die.

You're a hero, Cleavon.

I'll make sure

people know that.

I appreciate that, Frank.

And Frank,

take care of my wife for me.

No doubt.

Oh.

Down with Americans.

You want The Delano, b*tch!

You got The Delano,

motherf***er!

F*** you, Roosevelt, f*** you!

Picture me rolling!

What's up, Hitler?

[RADIO] It's been 16 days since

President Roosevelt's plane

went down over Normandy

and there's still

no sign of the old stalwart.

At this point most have begun

to fear the worst--

that our beloved FDR

has been killed.

Turn that God damn thing off.

I can't bear it, anymore.

I'm back.

I have a nice crme brle

and a chocolate mousse.

I'll take the chocolate mousse if

you-- Get the f*** out of here.

Bet if I was white

I could have had

a chocolate mousse.

Who ordered the burnt honky

with the side of polio?

For God's sake, Frank.

What?

Somebody die?

Oh yeah, Mussolini and Hitler,

I capped those b*tches.

Oh, Frank, I knew it!

What the hell happened

out there?

Well, my plane was shot to sh*t,

so I had to go rogue --

I had to go with an old-school

ground attack.

There were werewolves

everywhere.

I just never took my finger

off the trigger.

It was a hell of a battle,

hell of a battle!

Were you captured? You've been

missing for 16 days.

No, I killed Hitler

and Mussolini right off--

and most of their soldiers.

I was cool until I had to wheel

myself out of there.

Do you know how hard it is

to maneuver a wheelchair

through sand?

[LAUGHS]

Eleanor, are you okay?

You haven't said anything.

Aren't you happy to see me?

Damn you, damn you,

don't you ever put me through

anything like that again!

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