Feet First Page #6

a bit of good.

Oh, please,

must you talk about salt pork?

Oh, now I beg your pardon.

Now, I'm sorry

I mentioned salt pork.

You see, I don't like

salt pork a bit. No, sir.

But, you know, when

you're on a ship like this...

...and it's rocking,

and it smells of oil... Ooh...

...salt pork

certainly is upsetting.

I could've gotten away

with that pork...

...but they gave me

a lot of codfish and cream.

- Ohhh.

- Oh, yeah, very bad.

Say, you know what, man?

I tell you what you need.

A walk.

I'm telling you that's the only

thing that saved my life...

...when they gave me

that salt pork for breakfast.

Yes, sir. I'm telling you.

Here's another thing.

When they gave me

the salt pork...

...on the same plate

they put a big mess of spinach.

And it was all soft and gooey.

It's all right, old man.

I'll tell you now, come on.

Let's take a walk.

It'll do you good.

Liable to do me good, too.

Say, uh, how about

steamed clams? You like them?

Come on now. Let's get moving.

No, never give in. No, sir.

Keep a stiff upper lip.

Now, look at here. This fella's

worse off than you are.

Oh, boy,

he must've had salt pork.

Wait a minute now.

Wouldn't you like to have me

take you to your room?

Yean, take me up to my room

and let me die.

Sure. I'll take you

and put you to bed.

And then I'll dress for dinner.

Come on.

It's all right.

We're the best of friends.

But remember, don't hand me

any more of those loaded cigars.

Oh, don't get sore over that.

Oh, that's all... Oh, I see

Adler won the ship's pool!

Yeah, he's a lucky hound.

I'll say he is. Who do you like

in that fourth race?

Let's see, the fourth race...

Oh, I don't know.

I think I like...

Say! If that's your idea

of a joke, laugh that off!

Oh, you think it's a joke,

do ya?

Now that's going too far!

Well, let me see.

Oh, all right,

I can stand for a lot.

Well, take it off.

Now, listen, if you want

to start something with me...

...why don't you start it?

- Well, why don't you start?

- Why don't you start, huh?

Don't shove me like that!

Well, I will shove you

like that.

Uh, pardon me, gentlemen.

Pardon me.

Well...

Hey, wait a minute.

You got my coat there.

I have not got your coat.

- Why, this is my coat.

- This is not my coat.

That's my coat,

and I say it's my coat!

Well, that certainly was

a grand dinner.

Whoo. Yes, sir, you know...

I can't remember when

I've enjoyed eating so much.

Sorry, I can't offer you

a cigar. I'm all out.

You haven't one, have you?

No, no. I, uh, I...

Hey, well,

I didn't know I had it.

Thanks.

Oh, I've just got to sit down.

Oh, my. Oh, my word.

Oh, these shoes

are just killing me.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry,

Mrs. Tanner.

Maybe if I ease them up a bit?

Oh, don't trouble...

- Oh, no trouble.

- Well, that's nice of you.

- I'll just soften the heel.

- Thank you.

It might help a little.

There you are.

Be careful.

Madam, your instep is much...

Now I know

where I saw you before.

You're the young man that

waited on me in the shoe store.

Aren't you? Aren't you?

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Isn't it, Mr. Harold?

There you go with that

funny complex of yours again.

Well, of course,

I might be mistaken.

But his face bothers me.

And you know

that I never forget a face.

Yes, and when we were

traveling in Egypt...

...you thought you knew the Spheex.

Sphinx, if you please.

S- P-i-x... I oughta...

I might be mistaken...

...but I could swear

this is the young man...

...that ruined my feet.

Oh, I feel sure you're mistaken.

Unroll it and cover that hatch.

Yes, sir.

- Who's that guy?

- I don't know.

Looks like a stowaway to me.

Hey, you! Come here!

Hey, stop that fella.

Miss Barbara?

Oh, good morning, Mr. Harold.

Well, good morning.

Miss Tanner, there...

...there's something

that I want to tell you.

Well, I'm listening.

So, there you are.

Now look at this. Look at this.

Why, Mr. Tanner,

what do you mean?

I'll tell you what I mean.

There's the bid

for that Army contract.

That meant

thousands of dollars to me.

Those bids were supposed

to be in Los Angeles...

...by noon on the 16th,

not the 18th.

Now, why didn't you tell me

it was the 16th?

That's tomorrow,

and we don't land for two days.

And now I lose that contract all

on account of your stupidity.

But, Mr. Tanner,

I'm sure I told you the 16th.

You did not.

Now that thing is useless.

Oh!

And, young lady, as soon as

we get back to the mainland...

I'm getting myself

a new secretary.

Secretary.

And furthermore,

let me tell you some...

Just a moment, Mr. Tanner.

Now remember, where

there's life, there's hope. Ha!

Every cloud has a silver lining.

It's always darkest

just before the dawn.

- An apple a day...

- Shut up, you.

I'm sick and tired of you

and your copybook sayings.

You can't joke your way

through a thing like this.

Ha, yes, but actions speak

louder than words.

That's what you say?

Then let's see some action...

...if you're so smart.

Say, you've been feeding me with

a lot of blub for three days.

Now let's see you do something,

you fathead.

Let's see you get that to

Los Angeles by tomorrow, noon.

All right. I will.

I will get it to Los Angeles.

And you'll find out...

...that where there's a will

there's a way.

- Bah!

- Bah bah!

There's no use. It's impossible.

No, it isn't. No, it isn't.

And you'll see that he who

laughs last, laughs laughs.

There he is.

I'm positive he came in here.

Let's take a look

in the mail room.

OK.

Hey, did you see a fella

come in here?

No, sir. Nobody came in here.

All right. Let's go, Bill.

Now, let's get these mail sacks

up on deck.

That mail plane

is due in at any minute now.

Hey.

What... what's the matter?

Whew!

Hey!

Help! Help!

Jack Dempsey's the greatest

fighter that ever lived.

Ah, baloney.

John L. Sullivan could

lick him with his hands tied.

Oh, is that so?

Hey, listen, you don't know

anything about it.

Oh!

Hey! No!

Mmph!

Help!

Hey, man,

what you doing out there?

You ain't no eagle.

Hey! Help me!

Come on around here

and open this window!

My hands are caught.

Oh, wait there.

I'll be back there.

Don't go away now.

How can I go away?

Hurry up, get around here!

Hey!

Oh, look out!

Uh!

Help! Help!

I thought I told you

not to go away.

Help me down!

Uh! Hey! Look out, there!

Look out, there!

Look out, there!

I can't hang here much longer.

Hey! Hey! Look out!

Look out, there!

You're crazy.

Ha! Don't talk nonsense.

Ooh!

Help me!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

- Tea at 5:
00?

- Oh, that'll be splendid!

- Now don't be late.

- I won't.

- And don't forget.

- Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Help, somebody. Help!

Help! Help, somebody! Help!

What's all this shouting

going on around here?

There's a man flying around...

...on the outside

of that building needs help.

Where?

Right this way.

If this is a joke,

I'll wring your neck.

Show me where he is.

Right this way. Yeah,

there he is. Right this way.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes