Fever Pitch Page #3

are apparently entitled

to say what they like.

You haven't grown up,

you're a moron.

Your conversation

is trivial and boorish.

You can't express

your emotional needs.

You can't relate

to your children

and you die -

lonely and miserable.

But you know, what the hell?

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Not on your own.

How many more times?

You'll have to wait

until your father's over.

So I'll get to Highbury

five times a year?

It's not my fault

your father lives abroad.

Mum, they play 21 times a year

plus Cup matches. That's...

Mum, why is Crossroads a motel?

What d'you mean?

Why isn't it just a hotel?

29! If they get to

the League Cup semi-final,

the FA Cup quarter-final...

You can take your car there.

You forgot Europe.

I don't know how many

games last season.

Oh, yeah.

That's another five games.

That hotel in Devon,

we took our car.

Every round is home and away.

We had to leave it

in the car park.

Fives into thirty-five

goes seven.

One-seventh of all

the home games. Pathetic!

Paul, in a motel,

you drive a car into a room!

Say you only went to one-seventh

your Choral Society

They'd throw you out.

Arsenal won't throw you out.

They want your money.

I've looked it up.

I can catch the 12.53

to Paddington,

be at Paddington by 1.36,

get the Circle and District

and Metropolitan Line

to Kings Cross.

Then it's Caledonian Road,

Holloway Road,

Arsenal, third stop.

Be there 2.15, easy.

For Christ's sake,

go if you want to.

Yes! Thanks, Mum.

Charlie, Charlie,

Charlie's the King of Highbury.

Don't come runnin' to me

if you get stabbed to death.

I won't.

Jimmy Husband! Brilliant.

It's not easy

to become a football fan.

It takes years.

But if you put in the hours,

you're welcomed,

without question,

into a new family.

Except in this family,

you care about the same people

and hope for the same things.

What's childish about that?

A terrible foul

by McLintock on Rocastle.

He'll be lucky

to stay on the pitch.

It wasn't THAT bad.

It was mistiming,

it wasn't malicious.

Bollocks!

So, that's a free kick

to 1989 Arsenal

and... Davis takes it.

And...

Goal!

And that's 1989 Arsenal four,

1971 Arsenal, nil.

Bob Wilson will be

bitterly disappointed

with that one.

This lot would never beat

the Double team

four-nil at Subbuteo.

It's just I'm crap at it!

Should've chosen someone else.

Who else played in yellow

and blue away strip?

- Everton?

- Be Everton, then.

OK. But this game's abandoned.

I can't start

suddenly pretending

that John Radford's Joe Royle.

It'd do my head in.

Have to start again.

Nil-nil.

All right. Go on, then.

Yes!

What are you thinking about?

- Oh... stuff.

- What stuff?

I was thinking about

DH Lawrence, actually.

Yeah?

What about him?

Well...

Well... about his books.

What about his books?

Just... which one's the longest.

And?

I- I couldn't remember.

Well, which one did

you think it might be?

That's just it.

I couldn't decide.

Between what and what?

Mm...

Well, "Lady

Chatterley's Lover"...

- And...?

- And, um...

I wasn't thinking

about DH Lawrence at all.

You amaze me.

I was thinking about Arsenal.

I'm staggered.

We might win

the League this year.

We're half-way through

the season and we're top

and they'll f*** it up but...

You're not impressed, are you?

I am. I hope

they win the League.

It's just that...

Why did you lie?

I've got to vary the answers.

I can't say Arsenal every time.

I can't find any... "Bread".

Do I look like the sort of man

who'd have a "Bread" album?

No, you look like

the kind of man

who has a "Bollock Brothers"

album.

I wouldn't put that on.

It's a bit... not the right mood.

Oh?

And what's the right mood?

Well, I don't know, just...

something... you know.

What?

You know, just...

something not as...

sweary and loud.

Paul, that's the most

romantic thing

you've ever said to me.

Shut up.

By the way,

congratulations.

On what?

Two-nil. Quinn and Dixon.

Goal in each half.

Top of the League.

Nine games to go.

George Graham sees no reason

why Arsenal shouldn't bring

the title back to Highbury

for the first time in 16 years.

18 years.

I'm sure he said 16.

Oh, right. Maybe I'm wrong.

Yeah, OK, OK. 18. Whatever.

So, when does it all end?

May.

And what happens

then, in the summer?

Just sit in the park

and wait for the fixture

list to come out.

So what about this summer?

That's a good point.

We might be

in the Charity Shield.

That isn't the point

I was making.

We've been...

seeing each other -

well, we've been

sleeping together

for six months now.

And we've never even planned

a holiday together.

It's a miracle

if we plan a weekend

before Friday afternoon.

And yet you know

what Arsenal are doing

for months in advance.

They produce a fixture list.

Well, I can do that for you.

Give me your diary

and I'll put some dates in it.

Don't be daft.

What's daft about it?

I don't really see

the difference.

How about Saturday,

October the 8th?

Let's go away somewhere.

I haven't got next season's

fixture list yet.

You know you're seeing

Arsenal next year.

You can't say whether

you'll be seeing me.

So what? Everyone's like that.

You know you'll be seeing

your sister next season.

Sisters don't have seasons.

Whatever.

Look, I know where this is going

and you're dead wrong.

I'm capable of commitment

and all that stuff.

If it doesn't happen with you,

that's because of you, not me.

21 years I've been

going to Arsenal.

21 years.

Paul, I don't know

whether you've noticed

but Arsenal are a football team.

And you think

there's a difference?

Yes, I do.

That shows what

you know about it.

'.. Will need a fitness test

'shortly before kick-off. '

That looked like Rocky.

Jo, go back to

the news a minute.

It's only the local news.

I know. It looked like Rocky.

Who looked like Rocky?

Who the hell is Rocky?

Doesn't matter.

We've missed it now.

that "Rocky"

is an Arsenal player.

Yeah, David Rocastle.

And how do you know

what he looks like?

Well, I don't know.

It sinks in after a while.

What else has sunk in?

D'you know where they are

in the Championship Cup

and who their best

goal-hanger is?

I'm not turning into a moron.

OK, I know they're

top of the League.

That's easy to remember.

And I know that

Alan "Smudger" Smith

has scored most of the goals.

But it doesn't...

I'm going next week.

You're going?

Yeah.

To a football match?

Yeah. I thought I should.

Ooh. I tell you, girl,

you'd better watch yourself.

Soon after Tim and I split up,

I woke up one morning

and realised I could

remember his batting average

for the previous season.

Harmless enough, isn't it?

No!

It's all a sinister form

of male manipulation.

Rubbish!

It's true!

You get colonised.

Your native culture

gets driven out

and it's replaced by stuff

you don't even wanna know about.

They're like

bloody missionaries.

They bore you stupid

until you cave in

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