Fever Pitch Page #5

Having a kid's a brilliant idea.

It wasn't really an idea.

It might as well have been.

It's perfect.

It's not just the baby.

It's, you know,

it's you as well.

I think we're good together.

I thought I was

Miss Jean Brodie.

I was wrong.

I've been thinking about this.

You're George Graham.

The Arsenal manager.

And that's good, is it?

It's brilliant.

You're careful and organised

and methodical and all that.

That's why we work.

I need somebody like that.

And you need somebody

like me...

Work well as a team.

Not even as a team, as a club.

Paul, you do talk

some terrible nonsense.

It's not. It's the truth.

It's all working out.

Wife and baby, that'll do me.

Who said anything about a wife?

We'd want to do it

properly, wouldn't we?

Liam? If it's a boy.

The greatest Arsenal player ever

but it's a nice name.

Better apply for the job.

What job?

Rosie's Head of Year

job. I said no -

but now, brilliant.

Perfect timing.

We'll need a bit more money

'cause we'll need a house.

- Paul...

- Ted'll be pleased, anyway.

- Liam, brilliant.

- Paul...

We could live near the ground.

It's cheap 'cause no-one

wants a football stadium

on their doorstep.

I'd pay extra

but we won't tell

the estate agent.

Mortgage, wife, kid - cool.

Paul, none of this is real.

You're behaving

like a little kid.

I've been impregnated

by a 12-year-old!

Oh, thanks.

Thanks very much.

Sorry about that.

No problem, sir.

Sorry, you were saying?

Paul, this is exactly

what I mean.

That was just a one-off.

Never happened before.

I promise it won't be

a regular feature of life.

Paul...

I haven't made up my mind

what I'm doing about this yet.

Do you understand?

Yes.

No, not really.

I can't see this working out.

- It's my last chance.

- Don't be silly.

It's just what it feels like.

Are you prepared

to be a one-parent family?

I think if we go

through with this,

one of us is gonna have to be.

No, it'll be brilliant.

I don't think I've been

since George Eastham

was in the team.

Before my time.

He was a lovely player.

The sort you don't get

any more.

Languid and thoughtful

and elegant.

You should come

and watch Tony Adams.

How can I help, anyway?

I changed my mind about

that Head of Year job,

if it's not too late.

No. No, excellent.

I'm very pleased.

I've had a couple

of applications

but I'd be glad

to add your name.

Thank you.

Any particular reason

for the change of mind?

There is, actually, yes.

Er, Miss, um...

Well, Miss Hughes is pregnant.

Sarah Hughes? History?

Yes, yes, of course.

Um... Well, I didn't, um...

I mean, she...

How does this affect you?

Sorry, no. I left a bit out.

I'm the father.

I should've told you that

straight away, shouldn't I?

Anyway, yes,

we're having a baby.

I haven't heard this from her.

You're hearing it

from me, now.

Sorry, Paul,

I can't share your joy.

Sarah's been

with us five minutes

and a member of staff

has knocked her up!

I'm intending

to marry her and everything.

We won't embarrass the school.

You already have

embarrassed the school!

How on earth are we

supposed to talk to kids

about responsibility

and contraception

and... and the rest of it

when the staff themselves...

Words fail me!

- I thought you'd be pleased.

- About what?

The clandestine affair?

The accidental pregnancy?

Not those bits, maybe,

but me applying for the job.

That's good, isn't it?

Are you a complete fool, Paul?

I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, OK, OK.

Calm down.

I want you to take

your foot off the gas

in the second half.

What's the fun

of beating a team

15 or 20-nil?

It's brilliant fun!

All right.

Just take it easy, eh?

You're like vultures.

Now go on!

Come on, lads!

Oh, hi.

We're winning 8-nil.

Er, 9-nil.

Calm down!

Are you a complete fool?

You've been to see Ted.

He's not best pleased with us.

Who else are you

gonna tell? The kids?

We could recreate

what we did in assembly.

Find the Durex that split

and bring it in.

I could lose my job!

They can't sack you

for getting pregnant.

I haven't been here

long enough for maternity leave.

The union'll help.

None of this is the point, Paul.

The point is...

How many times have I told you

about playing to the whistle?

Call me later, OK?

See, if we...

F***! F***! F***!

Come on, you useless shower!

This lot are crap -

get stuck in!

I'm not a psychologist...

but I'd suggest

that taking up smoking

the week you find out

you're pregnant

indicates a certain ambivalence

towards the pregnancy

on your part.

He's given up.

- Paul?!

- Mm-hm.

Mr First Thing in the Morning?

Yeah. We're both making it

clear where we stand.

I start drinking and smoking

and he's given everything up.

This is horrible.

I don't care how much

damage it's doing to me.

So if everything's as bad

as you make out,

how come you're not applying

for jobs in... Pitlochry?

I know Paul's gone

completely mad.

I know, I know, I know.

It's just that it kind of

rubs off on you somehow.

It makes a difference

- to how you think about things.

- Like?

Like today, right?

I want us to win.

- With you so far.

- I think we will.

Home to Norwich,

you'd usually predict

two-nil defeat.

Nil-nil if you was

on top of the world.

If we don't, it's not

the end of the world.

Four games left.

twelve points to be won.

That's not what I mean.

If we don't win the League,

I'll cope because

of Sarah and the baby.

When you've got

nothing else going on,

Arsenal fill all the gaps.

You end up getting in a state

about losing to Spurs

when really you should be

getting in a state

about yourself.

But we will win today.

Sun's out,

I'm gonna be a father,

Alan Smith's back.

Five-nil, no trouble.

Let's go.

'George Graham off the bench

'to shake hands with a very

disappointed Dave Stringer.

'Norwich know their

Championship challenge

'has evaporated.

'Arsenal's is very much

'on course after today.

'Arsenal five, Norwich City nil.

'Alan Smith the man of the match

'with two goals,

'one of them

a splendid effort... '

Everything's happening at once

and it's brilliant.

Stick with me.

No way we won't win the League.

It's all you, is it?

Nothing to do

with George, Smithy, Rocky

or me buying sugar mice?

You never get

feelings like that?

I felt brilliant the day

we got knocked out

of the League by Walsall.

Got a pay rise,

got off with Caroline Walsh

the night before.

Fat lot of f***ing notice

this lot took.

Some of us have it,

some of us haven't.

You must've had

a shitty life for 18 years.

I haven't had it all the time

but I've got it

this season in spades.

Did you go?

Yeah. We were great, weren't we?

My mum wants a season ticket.

Can I have a quick word?

We're just talking

about the rout of Norwich.

Yes, saw it on TV.

Very impressive.

It's good

that Alan Smith's back.

Yeah. Run along, Robert.

I had a word with the Governors.

They'll be happy

to interview you

for Head of Year.

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