Fierce Creatures Page #5

I mean, look at it.

If it died, would we know?

My grandmother's grave is

a bigger attraction. But wait.

It's not just some

nonentity tortoise now.

It's Bruce Springsteen's tortoise.

Immediately, it's an event!

It's practically a celebrity itself.

Will he come and visit it?

- What?

- Will he come and visit it?

- Yeah, when his schedule allows.

- So he's agreed to sponsor it?

I'm expecting his call any minute.

But the potential!

We can market little

Bruce Springsteen tortoises.

Jurassic Park made half of its money

from those little plastic dinosaurs.

And they're even deader than

this heap of garbage! Follow me!

Now here we have a Brazilian tapir.

I have to say I've dated

better-looking women.

Now, listen to this

experience-enhancing...

digitally-manipulated

educational tool.

Brazilian tapirs.

Solitary, three-toedungulates which

inhabit lowland forests in sunny Brazil.

Reachable no win less than 14hours

via British Airways'...

nonstop flights to stunning

Rio de Janeiro.

I mean, it's bad enough

having to wear this rubbish!

- I do know what you mean.

- I can only assume he's planning...

to turn the entire zoo

into a supermarket...

where he can sell videos

about animals in other zoos.

- I agree.

- The cheap little souvenirs...

the ones they didn't have time to see

because they were too busy shopping.

I'm surprised he hasn't started

selling all the animals here.

- Look, the point is this--

- Special summer sale.

Antelope, 50% off.

Ocelots, 200 pounds each

or six for a thousand.

Rhino horn,just the job

for a Friday night.

- Could I say something?

- One free porcupine...

with every purchase

of two overpriced T-shirts.

Please!

- Thank you. I wanna make this point--

- If you ask me--

I don't!

I can't get a word in edgewise...

let alone ask you anything.

- You didn't kill them!

- What?

We checked! They're all alive!

You rascal. He was only kidding.

-Just figured that out, have you?

- I say.

And now over here,

this used to be the lion house...

but as it's no longer suitable

for animals...

we're using it for middle management.

What the hell

do you think you're doing?

Can you keep a lid on it till

the sun goes down, for God's sake?

Can you keep a lid on it till

the sun goes down, for God's sake?

You're supposed to be working,

not prancing around your cell...

like a flamingo with a boner!

Terribly sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

We're having a little problem...

getting the right balance

with his medication.

This is a family zoo,

not the Playboy Mansion, you pervert!

This is your last warning, Lee!

Follow me, ladies and gentlemen. It's

perfectly all right. Sorry about that.

Right this way. Right this way.

Now I know why

they keep him in a cage.

Yes, but we thought

you had actually killed them.

- I had to pretend I shot them.

- Why?

- To preserve my authority.

- What authority?

Yeah, all right, all right.

Anyway...

I'm just praying that Vince

doesn't fire me, 'cause I love it here.

Oh, come on, you just love putting

things in cages, being an ex-cop.

It's true, but this place

is still special.

- It used to be.

- What?

Before Vince McCain.

He is right at the bottom

of the food chain, isn't he?

I fail to see how

you can criticize him.

What?

He's bringing

the crowds in, isn't he?

In order to raise the revenue

to the 20% profit margin...

that you yourself were advocating

so vociferously less than a month ago--

No, that's not what I was saying.

- Yes, you were.

- No, I wasn't.

- Yes, you were!

- No, I wasn't.

What was the point

of raising it to 20%--

All right, insect breath.

You really want to know what I think?

- Yes.

- Right. I'll tell you.

I think the whole

Octopus philosophy is poison.

The only aim of any and every

McCain business...

is to downsize

and halve the quality...

to make enough money to acquire

another business to downsize...

and halve the quality

to make enough money...

to acquire another business to downsize,

et cetera, et cetera...

without ever running

a single one of them really well.

And if anyone ever

raises the question of quality...

they're immediately attacked

as an elitist...

because at Octopus it's considered

morally offensive...

to talk about anything but money.

All so that Mr. Rod McCain can feel

a little more powerful every day.

That's why, instead of running...

this wonderful zoo properly...

we have to spoil it...

in order to finance

his next mindless acquisition.

On the other hand,

he is a remarkable man--

- Tea time!

- Half past 8:
00. We should be going.

I haven't finished! I haven't finished!

He is a true visionary of--

Hello.

- I was just--

- Trashing Octopus. I know.

It didn't really sound

like that, did it?

Why do you work for us, Rollo?

Cowardice?

We all have to live in the real world,

or this place is gonna close...

but I just want you all to know I intend

to run this one business really well.

And if you do, we could open a chain

of them all over the world.

Little zoos popping up everywhere,

all exactly the same.

Leopards on the left, rhinos

on the right, monkeys in the middle...

sea lions in the center,

ferrets in the front--

I hate these banners.

Hello.

Oh, Vince, you idiot.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Come on,Jambo.

Come on.

Good boy. There you go.

I have it. Yes, I do.

I do have it.

You okay, Miss Weston?

No, I'm fine, I--

I just--

Oh, you made contact.

That's great.

You don't understand.

I wasn't lying.

Oh, really?Just what? Altering

my perception of the situation?

I spoke with Springsteen direct!

Direct? Oh, really?

Yeah, he said, ''Vince, you were born to

run with this. You have my blessing.''

Then how come I have this

pissed-off fax from his agent?

Oh, this is just a negotiating ploy.

Just offer him 50% of

the total tortoise revenue.

There is no tortoise revenue.

- Exactly. The point is--

- The point is, Vince...

that this sponsorship stuff

is degrading to the animals.

Like what?

Like that.

That's genius! There's not one

major award I won't win for that!

That is unacceptable.

- Take it off.

- But-- But--

It's brilliant.

It's never been done before!

Try to work out why.

- It's for the zoo.

- It's a perfectly reasonable...

- request for information.

- She won't tell me!

- She will!

- Not after what I said about Octopus.

She likes you.

She's the one who's always

on about consultations.

- She likes you.

- What do you mean?

What she means is, the pheromones...

that you are unconsciously releasing

into the atmosphere...

have the physiological

effect of increasing...

the statistical probability of her

taking part...

in some form of mounting behaviour, not

unlike that of an African grasshopper!

- Hello.

- Oh, hello.

- What are you doing?

-Just visiting some little friends.

Plenty of them at the zoo,

I've heard.

- Yes. Look, can I ask you something?

- Sure.

About some of these sponsorship ideas--

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