Fifty Shades

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1

Give me that!

Move!

Hey, sir! Sir! Come back!

I've gotta get outta here.

Boo, boo, boo, hey, hey, hey.

Girl, you got that

list of questions?

Yes.

I think I have

everything that I need.

Be happy you ain't got

this chlamydia, all right?

Ooh, girl, I tried

to take a piss earlier,

it was like there was an angry

dragon inside my snatch,

you know, like some

Game of Thrones sh*t!

That's terrible, Kateesha.

I can't help it when

a tall, athletic brother

come pushing up

on this thickness.

Ooh, yeah...

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, God, girl, I thank God

every motherfucking day

that the SuperSonics

moved to Oklahoma. Sh*t.

Okay, I'm gonna go so I won't

be late for your interview.

What the f*** are

you wearing, girl?

There ain't no camouflage, no

fishnets and no fluorescent colors.

How they gonna see you in the dark, b*tch?

How they gonna see you?

L gotta go.

Wow, so big.

Oh, I'm sorry.

If you're looking for the homeless

shelter, it's two doors down.

Oh, no, I'm...

I'm Hannah Steam.

I'm here to see Mr. Black.

The college b*tch.

May I take your coat?

Yes, please.

Thank you.

Ew...

Follow me.

In case you're wondering,

I'm the hot secretary

who's f***ing the boss,

which means there's no

room for the dopey intern

with the damaged

hair and the cankles.

Come here.

Ugh!

That's the smell of his balls

after lunch and two

games of racquetball.

Mmm...

Have a nice day,

Ms. Steale.

Plain-ass b*tch.

Ow! My neck.

Ow. Ooh.

You...

Oh, sh*t!

I guess I should've

tried pulling.

Ms. Kavahellnah.

Christian Black.

Are you okay?

I think so, yeah.

Good, 'cause you got f***ed up!

I mean, you hit that statue

like a hard-charging rhino,

and I say rhino because you're

a lot fatter than I thought,

and you got this

bump on your nose

that resembles a small horn.

Um...

Maybe you wanna get that squeezed.

Okay.

A little Proactiv on it.

I'm not

Ms. Kavahellnah.

You ain't

Ms. Kavahellnah?

Who the f*** are you?

My name is Hannah Steale.

I'm studying literature

with Kateesha at the university.

Oh.

Please, have a seat.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

No.

No. So, what do you want?

Jesus Christ!

Just spit it out!

A pencil.

A pencil... You

should've just said that in the beginning!

Gosh! Here, take 'em!

Jesus!

Thank you.

You gotta get your sh*t together, Ms.

Steale.

Sh*t.

These are Kateesha's

questions, okay?

"You have mad stacks of cash.

"How'd you get it,

and can I get some?"

Oh...

Ms. Steale.

I got my money

the way most black

entrepreneurs got theirs.

Real estate?

Drug dealing.

See, you have to know your

business inside and out.

I smoked crack.

Not for long,

but just long enough to know

what a penis tastes like.

Tastes like raw rump roast.

Mmm.

Ew!

I got all ashy, like E.T. when

he was sick in the river.

I lost six essential teeth.

Have you ever tried to eat

steak with one molar?

No. Why would

I do that?

Gnaw and suck.

Gnaw and suck.

It's hard.

Could be that you're lucky. No.

Keanu Reeves is lucky.

Flo Rida is lucky.

Iggy Azalea is lucky.

Yeah, he's lucky.

Next question.

"Is you gay, or is you

gay as a motherf***er?"

Just because you touch a penis

doesn't mean you're gay.

Especially if it's

for money or crack.

You're only gay if you

enjoy touching penis.

You touch a penis with attitude, like...

"l don't really like this."

That ain't gay.

It's just exploratory.

You said you're

an English major.

Was it Chaucer, Shelley or Keats

that first made you fall

in love with literature?

It was Seuss.

Seuss!

Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2.

and Thing 2!

I mean, who doesn't

wanna be them?

Well, you know, me and my

brother were Thing 1

and Thing 2 for

Halloween this year.

Really?

Yeah. Check this out.

Oh, my God, look at both of you!

We called 'em

Thang 1 and Thang 2.

That's amazing.

What if I wanted to hire you?

I don't know. I see the way

the women dress around here.

I don't exactly fit in.

You know, despite the

Salvation Army sweater,

the greasy weaves,

and your big ol' Usher nose,

there's something oddly

attractive about you.

Yeah, you're like

the little ugly runt

in a litter full

of pretty puppies.

You know, the little ugly one

that nobody wants to touch.

You're, all hairless and

big-eyed and wild-looking.

But you just wanna take you

home and give you love,

or stuff you in a sack

with a bunch of rocks

and just toss

your little ugly ass

at the bottom of the ocean.

Just put you out your misery.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you, Mr. Black.

Please, call me Christian.

Christian. I hope I answered

all your questions.

You certainly did.

Hannah.

Christian.

Ooh, sh*t!

Oh, God!

Oh!

Jesus Christ!

Oh, God, make it stop!

White girls,

get that elevator fixed.

Ooh, Hannah!

So, how was he?

He was all right, l guess.

Oh, sh*t! You f***ed him,

girl! I knew that sh*t!

Yeah, girl, get that

dick, girl, get that dick.

What? Uh! Get that dick!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Take it to town, motherf***er.

Get that dick.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Sh*t, girl, yeah! Ooh!

So, did he have a big dick?

What? Ooh, girl, was it

like real skinny, girl,

or was it like real long,

like skinny long?

'Cause that's f***ing weird.

But, like, short

and thick, girl?

I can get down with

that short, fat dick.

No, there is... There's no...

There's no dick.

Remember what I told you, okay?

If it's got like little red zit-like

things on the head of that sh*t,

you put that in your butt, okay?

He gonna be like, "Oh, girl,

no, it's just skin tags."

"B*tch, you got 47

skin tags on your dick?

"I ain't falling for that sh*t.

"Again!" Okay?

Mmm, but you gotta admit,

girl, he is bangin"! Mmm!

Yeah, I guess if you're

into the wildly-successful,

super-handsome,

possibly-dangerous thing,

then Christian

Black is your guy.

B*tch, I'm talkin'

'bout Lil Weezy!

Ooh, girl, he got

tats on his tats.

And he ain't afraid

to get a b*tch pregnant.

Let you keep

the baby and everythin'.

Mmm.

You gonna eat that?

Ooh, I wish I could find a man

the size of this to satisfy me.

This sh*t

better be gluten-free.

Hmm, Mr. Black.

Oh, God.

Mmm... God, Christian.

Mmm...

Oh, my God, you know

what I wanna do.

Hi.

What the f***?

What a pleasant

surprise, Ms. Steale.

Please, call me Hannah.

Okay, Ms. Steale.

I was just in the area and

wanted to pick up a few items.

Are you stalking me, Mr. Black?

Yes.

I mean, unless you

don't want me to.

You do want me to, don't you?

Just something to think about.

Can I help you with something?

Yes.

I would like to pick up some

cable ties and some tape.

Well, you're in luck, we got

some cable ties right here.

What color do you want? Red.

The color of passion.

The tape is this way.

Follow me.

If I didn't know better,

I might mistake you

for a serial killer.

Don't be ridiculous.

If I was a serial killer,

I'd need rope, ax, lye, ammonia,

chlorophyll, wood

chipper, plastic sheets

and three large

boxes of space Pampers.

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