Fifty Shades Page #2

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And a shovel.

Second thought...

I think I need to

pick up a few more items.

Well, looks like

you're all set now.

Thank you, Ms. Steale.

Hey, if your roommate needs a

photo to go with the story,

I'll be around tomorrow.

And the next day.

And the day after that.

I'm actually around

all of next week.

Here. Just contact me.

"Christian Black.

"I'm not a bidness man,

I'm a bidness... man."

Thank you so much for your help, Ms.

Steale.

Let me know when those space

Pampers come in, okay?

Save me three boxes!

Got a long drive ahead of me.

Bye!

I'm gonna call you.

Jesse!

Hey.

Thank you so much

for doing this last minute.

Hannah, listen, you are

my best friend, okay?

You know I'd do

anything for you, right?

Oh!

Yeah. I'd really love a

handjob, though. What?

I said I really love this job.

It's amazing.

Oh, my God.

Get in here.

Later I wanna hit it.

Uh... Um...

I didn't catch the last thing.

I said later

I wanna hit the bar.

Oh.

Come on, Hannah,

it's what platonic friends do.

You know?

You grab a beer, right?

Then you make out and have sex

until we question the status of our

friendship or whatever, you know?

I guess. Come on.

Yeah. Come here.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Hannah! Did you just

kiss me on my lips?

Wait, I thought that... No. Listen.

Okay, let's get one thing clear.

We are just friends. Don't make it weird.

Oh, no, l thought...

It's okay, I'll f*** you later.

Wait. What?

I said I'll see you later.

Jeez, Hannah.

Oh.

Just go.

Pow! Pow!

Girl, he's staring at you like

some real

Fear-type

sh*t right now, girl.

He look like Marky Mark

after he left the Funky Bunch

and started acting, girl.

All right, give me a smile.

Cheese.

All right, don't ever

f***ing smile again, okay?

He asked me to go to coffee

with him after the shoot.

Oh, girl, that's cute!

Last time I went to coffee,

I got eaten out

outside of McDonald's.

That McCaf menu

got a girl gushin'.

All right, let's break the Internet.

Eat.

I'm not your dog, you

can't tell me what to do.

You're right. If you were

my dog, I would do this.

Bad girl! Bad,

bad, bad girl!

So, tell me about your family.

Well...

My dad left me when

I was two years old,

so I was mostly

raised by my stepdad, Ron.

That's painfully uninteresting.

How about your mother?

She's been married eight times.

Yeah.

She's an incurable romantic.

Are you a romantic?

I guess.

I mean, I like long

walks on the beach.

I like baby talk,

I like to cuddle.

Ooh, and I love

Nicholas Sparks movies.

Even the one with Miley Cyrus?

That's my favorite one!

B*tch, I'm out!

Cheers.

Yeah.

Ooh, that tastes like a

white boy on spring break.

I hate him.

I'm gonna call him.

You want another drink?

Yes. Drink to forget.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That tastes horrible.

The Molly must not be

crushed up all the way.

Let me fix it for you.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

You gotta what?

I gotta go to the ladies' room.

Huh? l have to take a sh*t!

Hannah... Hannah, you feeling all right?

A little woozy perhaps?

Whoa! Huh? Unable to

make good decisions?

We should take it

to the next level

and you, like, suck my dick.

Huh?

Baby, you take it

to the next level,

you stop feelin' sick, okay?

Oh, my God. You are

my bestest friend.

Yes. With benefits.

Ah... F*** my mouth

with your fingers.

F***!

I'm never gonna get none.

I'll f*** you. I ain't gonna

like it, but I'll do it.

Listen, I don't

f*** white girls, okay?

Nigga, who you callin' white?

She just call me the N word?

Kind of turned me on.

Call me "nigga" again.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, hello there.

Yeah, this is Hannah.

Hannah, are you wasted?

Yes, I am wasted.

You're a hole-ass,

you're might on the roney,

you penis suck of yours.

You sound like Yoda. Listen, I

want you to go home right now.

Don't tell me what to do,

Mr. "Oh,

let's go for coffee.

"No, stay away

from me!"

Let me put this in words

you can understand.

Now, right home you go!

No!

I told him.

Mmm-hmm. B*tch, you

smell like sh*t.

Ugh!

Oh, Hannah! Hannah!

Hey, it's cold out here.

You can't come out like that.

Oh, thank you.

How you feelin'?

Just a little bit drunk.

Are you, like, Donald-Trump-running-

for-president drunk

or, like, Donald-Trump-saying-

he-don't-like-Mexicans drunk?

'Cause that's

some crazy sh*t, man.

A lot of Mexicans out there just

crossing the border and sh*t!

And you show them niggas love!

Show them niggas love!

Can I show you some love?

What? No!

Come on. Come on!

Just one kiss, man!

I don't know when you gonna

be this drunk again!

Come on, gimme that kiss!

Ow! Stop!

Hey! Hey! She said no! Stop!

Christian!

You just push me, nigga?

Oh, you got some crazy

sh*t coming, boy.

Wait. Hold up.

This nigga comin' back?

Comin' to you, nigga.

He comin' back!

Damn!

Christian, stay down!

Okay. Okay.

The nigga's a ninja!

This nigga's a ninja.

Worldstar!

He had such a beautiful face.

Did he leave?

You better run!

Oh, I don't feel

so good, Christian.

Come on, let's get you home.

Oh, no, I can't with you,

because my roommate is in there.

Don't worry. She's being

well taken care of.

What's your name again?

My name is Eli.

My friends call me Weekday.

I'm Christian's brother.

Ooh... Mmm...

The poor one.

Mmm-mmm...

I know what you're saying,

"Oh, he's financially poor,

yet spiritually rich."

Mmm...

Nah, that don't count.

What do you feel?

What do you feel?

Oh, my God.

When does that end?

Oh, my God!

The weight of my penis makes my

money too heavy to carry around!

Yes!

I'll see you later, woman.

Until we meet again.

How can I touch you?

I mean, get in touch with you!

My number

is seven.

Oh!

That's a good number.

Oh, God.

I'mma call you!

Good morning.

I've been staring

at you all night.

I haven't blinked once.

Gosh, my eyes are hurting.

How did I get here? I

brought you here, Hannah.

Did you undress me?

I sure did. Mmm...

My God, we didn't...

No, we didn't.

And I have the blue

balls to prove it.

Look at these things.

Ugh!

What are those?

What the f*** are those?

Oh... it hurts so much.

I don't know what to do!

Why are you showing me this?

I ordered you some breakfast.

Here. Eat. You'll

need your strength.

But you licked this one, and did all

sorts of other weird stuff to it.

Can I get a fresh one?

Maybe some jam.

No, eat it.

Why don't you just

leave me alone, Christian?

Because I'm incapable

of leaving you alone.

I'm a certified stalker.

I have four restraining orders,

and I'm currently

working on a fifth.

Listen to me.

Idon%do the romance thing.

Anal, yes.

Fisting, sure.

Two in the pink,

one in the stink, yeah.

I do that.

But I don't do romance.

You know, I'd like

to bite that lip.

I wish you would.

Ow!

Ow! Mmm...

Oh, my God!

(SIGHING)

Come on, let's get

you outta here.

God, that made me wet. Oh!

Oh, love it.

F*** the bullshit.

How you doin'?

Open your eyes.

Lizard kisses, come on.

Vampire bite!

I love it! More!

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