Fifty Shades Page #3

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Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God!

You shut up and watch.

Get outta here!

Excuse me.

I have to warn you,

elevators make me horny.

Ooh, Daddy, I want you to

write a song about me.

I wanna be your muse.

Oh, this is a great time.

I'm inspired to write a song

about you right now.

Ooh, that feels so good.

'Cause I love

havin' sex unprotected

Ooh.

And I love when my

dick's in you naked

Deeper, Daddy,

deeper! Yeah!

Goin' raw in you, you, you...

Yes! Yes!

Goin' raw in you, you, you, you

Ooh, I think you going platinum

in about two minutes! Oh!

You're infected, yeah

Need antiseptic, yeah

'Cause, girl, you burned it

Ooh, that like an E

minor or something?

Oh, you burned it!

Oh, you burned

Ah... You...

Ooh, sh*t.

Motherf***er!

You done?

I gotta get to church.

Hey!

Oh.

You two are f***ing.

Ooh.

Hey, bro.

How you doin'?

My brother.

My brother, peace and blessings.

Hannah, this is my

little brother, Eli.

- Little?

- Yes.

I'm Eli, like the

movie about the book,

because I'm deep.

He is deep.

Balls deep.

Yeah.

Kateesha told me

a lot about you.

Yeah, you're like...

You're, like, a lot

plainer than

I thought you would be.

Well, she plain but pretty.

You're like a brick wall, just

boring and rigid... CHRISTIAN: Okay.

And 'gust ashy 'm some phases.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,

enough with the small talk.

We have a long

drive ahead of us.

We do. Great pleasure.

It's been a pleasure.

The moon shall rise again.

Ooh, that so romantic, boo.

What that mean?

Deuces, b*tch. Okay, I got you!

I see you later!

Nice meeting you.

Bye.

All right, so listen.

Meet me at the office later.

I have something

special planned for you.

Okay? Deuces, b*tch.

Mmm-hmm.

Who you calling a b*tch?

Oh, sh*t!

Damn, girl.

I was just saying.

He said it to her,

and I thought it was cute.

Mmm.

Damn, b*tch...

I mean, girl.

Are you ready for

the ride of your life?

Oh, my God! Are we gonna

go in your helicopter?

I can't believe you thought I was

gonna take you on the chopper.

We haven't even f***ed yet.

After you.

Holy sh*t!

You live here?

What, a black man can't have

a nice place like this?

No, a black man cannot have a

beautiful place like this.

You know, Wesley Snipes

had a place like this,

before he stopped

doing his own taxes.

How about some wine?

Yes, please.

Okay-

Do you know why I brought

you here, Hannah?

I'm assuming to make sweet love.

I don't make love.

I f***.

Hard and quick.

Really quick.

It's like a Ronda Rousey fight.

You blink and it's over.

Okay.

But first you're

gonna have to sign

a nondisclosure agreement.

What's that?

It's basically lawyer talk

for "shut the f*** up."

Come with me.

I'll explain.

A nondisclosure agreement

protects both you and me,

but mostly me.

Behind this door is my playroom.

You mean, like, for your

PlayStation and stuff?

Ooh. That's a nice key.

So tight.

Keyhole don't wanna open!

You ready to get opened?

Reload, man! Reload!

I told you to reload!

I'm an Xbox man myself.

Oh, you next, Black!

You don't want none of this.

Yo, when you done with

Wendy Williams over there,

jump on this game so I can

shoot you in the face!

I'm gonna be honest with you, Christian.

She's not attractive.

Like, the b*tch look

like she got lupus.

Well, you look like a thumb

that's been yanked out

of somebody's a**hole.

On!

Slam dunk!

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

Yeah, well,

how about... Ha!

I got nothing. 'Cause

I'm better than you.

Okay, well, I got something

I really wanna show you.

Oh, my God. It's not more

broke niggas, is it?

No more broke niggas.

No offense.

And don't worry about those

ingrown hairs on your penis.

We can't see them through your pants.

Don't give her

all the dick, bro.

She don't deserve it.

Half the dick.

Over there f***ing

Charles Barkley.

F*** this sh*t!

I'm out!

Please, Ms. Steale.

Just keep an open mind.

Tantalizing.

Got these from my grandma.

You're a sick motherf***er.

No, Bill Cosby's

a sick motherf***er.

I'm just a dominant.

What does that

have to do with me?

I want you to give

yourself to me sexually.

Hence all the whips, chains

and freaky sex toys.

And what would I get out of it?

Me.

Oh, my God!

Ooh. Let me get this straight.

Mmm-hmm.

So, you wanna beat me

with these paddles...

Whip.

Whips.

You wanna chain

me to this rack...

Eh... Handcuff.

And humiliate me in

unimaginable ways,

and in exchange

for all this torture,

l get you?

Yeah, that's correct.

And women go for this?

Some women.

Wow. It's like Disneyland

for grown-ups. Yeah.

So, what do you think?

I'm pretty much

cool with anything,

as long as you promise you won't

tell my dad I f***ed a black guy.

So, what do you think?

Two things.

Where's the cup,

and when do we eat sh*t?

What we supposed to do in here?

Well, I thought we'd start with

a little bit of rope play.

No!

Okay, well, how about

I just mount you

to that rack over

there and spank you?

Hell to the no!

Perhaps a little

bit of flogging?

I don't even know what

the hell flogging means,

so f*** to the no!

Okay, well, what are

we supposed to do then?

You need to find Jesus!

That's what you can do.

Okay, here's how it goes.

I've drafted a standard contract

that lays out the terms.

Lots of sex, we have more sex.

Yadda-yadda,

we end with sex.

You look it over, and you negotiate

what you're willing to do.

I hate to throw a monkey wrench

into the whole works here,

but I...

You have

low self-esteem?

No. I...

You have daddy issues.

No.

What I'm trying to

tell you is, I'm a...

A virgin?

Yeah.

Man! I can't believe this!

I don't understand!

Okay, tell me

you've done something.

Blowj*b?

Where does the blowing come in?

Finger pop?

No.

Angry panda?

Why is it angry?

Why did you ask that?

Oh, my God! Okay,

tell me you've done anal.

I know how it goes.

You let guys put it in your

little rusty bullet hole

so you can tell your

mama and your pastor

that you're still a virgin.

I've just been waiting.

For what?

Girl, you are

20-something years old!

It don't get no better.

It's going to spoil!

It's fermenting down there.

Just fermenting. Okay?

You gonna tell me

nobody wanted the p*ssy?

Well, I just am very selective

about who I've wanted to...

Oh, selective?

Oh, that sound like

something somebody

with a p*ssy that

nobody wanted would say.

Hey.

Don't get me wrong.

I don't want it all worn out

like an old washing machine belt

or hanging like

wet straps in a car wash

or flapping around like an inflatable

figure outside of a mattress store.

But I want it to

have some experience.

Okay, look.

We're gonna fix this

situation. Right now.

I've been waiting my

whole life for this.

Come on.

Yes!

Oh... Very...

Very Sasquatch of you.

Have you never had sex

with a virgin before?

Not a hairy one.

Ow! You nicked me!

Shh...

What the hell?

Oh, yeah, I have an outie.

Oh, WOW!

Whoa!

That got flavor!

What? You're the first

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