Fifty Shades Page #4

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person who's seen it.

Little Eskimo kisses?

Ooh, I never had anyone

do that to it before.

Ooh! Watch the teeth!

Sorry.

Got him.

Okay-

Sorry. I didn't have

time to shower.

Sh*t!

Thank you.

Ooh!

Okay. You ready?

I'm gonna take you

to a whole 'nother galaxy!

Oh, my God, I'm coming!

Oh, God!

God! God! God! God!

Whoo!

Already?

Oh, that was amazing.

Really? I guess I was

expecting something

different.

Don't worry about it. It's your first time.

Don't sweat it.

You'll get better with experience.

Just keep working on it.

Oh, you know, it's

customary for a woman

to make a man

an oversized sandwich

to help him regain his strength.

Either that or some leftover

pizza, or maybe a Hot Pocket.

You want me to make you

a Hot Pocket now?

I don't make the rules,

I'm just telling you.

You got a lot to learn, kid.

Mmm...

Are you asleep already?

Nigga!

Ugh!

Christian?

Christian!

Oh, sh*t!

Who the f*** is that?

My mother.

On!

Great.

Now I gotta get rid of

two crazy b*tches. F***.

Mother!

Ah, Christian.

Hello.

Oh, you better get dressed, or we're

gonna be late for the regatta.

I forgot that was today.

You're not doing

crack again, are you?

No, Mother. I never

raised you that way.

However, it is a prominent trait

in your genealogical pool.

Hello.

I'm standing my ground!

I'm standing my ground!

Oh, sh*t!

Mother, what're you doing?

That's Hannah Steale!

How many times I gotta tell you?

Black lives matter.

Come on, let's get you up.

Hannah, this is my mother, Claire.

Oh.

I am so sorry, Hannah.

Oh, my, you have

beautiful breasts.

I would've thought

they'd be more droopy,

like a sock with

a rock in the toe,

like in those National

Geographic magazines.

You're gonna have to forgive

my mother's behavior.

Sometimes she can be factually

inaccurate and quite racist.

Do not apologize

for me, Christian.

I am your mother, and I love you

like you were my

own white child.

But I still hide my wallet

at night, just in case.

As you should, Mother.

It is awesome to meet you.

Are you two dating? Oh, no,

Mother, we're not dating.

We're just f***ing. Hard.

And quick. Apparently,

it's the best way.

Well, I just can't tell you how

pleased lam to meet you, Hannah.

I mean, you're the first woman

I've seen Christian with.

I assumed that he was...

What would Oprah say?

"On the DL?"

Christian, you can

do so much better.

Oh, Mother.

You're one of the richest, most

handsome men in the world.

You could date white women.

Like Tiger Woods and Seal.

Okay, it's time for

you to go, Mother.

Or like Taye Diggs or Quincy Jones.

Or even Ice-T.

Hannah, Christian's Chinese

sister, Mai, has come to town,

so we're gonna hide the cats

and have the family

over for dinner.

You should come.

I'd be delighted.

It was really nice to meet you.

Okay, great.

Time to go, Mom.

Oh...

Now, where is my wallet?

Still there.

You just never know.

Yeah.

Mmm...

They're delicious. Mmm.

All right.

We had breakfast.

Time to go.

Ooh, look,

your Uber's here. All right.

Okay, what?

Spit it out.

Well, how did you

get into this whole

dominant-submissive thing?

It was one of my mother's

really close friends,

and my music teacher.

I was 16.

She was older.

Don't look

so nervous, Christian.

All I ask is that

you do your very best.

I thought I was supposed to

be here for music lessons.

Baby, you are.

And your lesson

starts right here.

Hey, hey. Ooh. Snap.

We got a regular

John Holmes here,

without the big

dick and the stamina!

Okay! Again!

One, two, three!

(GRUNTS

Ow! '

Do you know why

I hit you in the head

with that tambourine, Black?

I have no idea.

Well, were you rushing

or were you dragging?

I... I thought

I was f***ing.

Oh! That wasn't f***ing!

Now, count off.

One, two...

Was I rushing or was I dragging?

Answer the question!

You were rushing!

Is that a tear?

Oh! Poor little guy.

Are you upset?

I'm upset.

You worthless, adopted,

unloved little piece of sh*t!

Weeping and slobbering over my

vagina like a 9-year-old girl!

Now, for the last

father-f***ing time,

say it louder so I can hear it!

I'm upset!

Oh, Black, get off the bed!

You make me sick.

But I'm upset.

Get off the bed!

You're not ready for this!

I'm ready!

Ugh!

Willy? Willy,

you're up next.

Willy?

You better get your

sh*t together, Black!

You're not gonna amount to

anything, sexually or musically.

And you know what the biggest

disappointment of all is to me?

I thought all you black men

had rhythm and a big dick!

Boy, was I mistaken!

I have rhythm!

You're all set, Ms. Steale.

Courtesy of Mr. Black.

What the heck?

What is that?

Is that a drone?

All right, just sign here.

Thank you very much.

Ooh, girl, another gift?

Damn, you must be

giving that bomb head!

Wait a minute, is that a

Retina display MacBook Pro?

B*tch, you lickin'

that butthole!

I didn't lick a butthole!

Sh*t, you lucky, girl.

Like, I licked six buttholes last week!

I got a Dell!

Desktop!

I can't take that

sh*t anywhere, girl.

Hey, the mail come already?

No.

It's just a weird sex contract

Christian wants me to sign.

You sign that, but then you get

that paper, boo, all right?

A b*tch gotta get hers. You

keep licking that bootie, okay?

We're done?

Wha...

Yeah, I read your text.

Wow face, sparkly diamond, poop?

Like, what does that even mean?

You got me all f***ed up

with your emojis, like...

Hey, how did you get in here?

Does it matter?

Yes, actually it does matter,

because you don't live here

and you don't have a key.

You don't need a key

to get in a hamper, Hannah.

Here, now, help me outta here.

You're lucky I wasn't in

your medicine cabinet,

or your jewelry box.

I tried to hide

in your nightstand,

but you had this Gideon Bible

in there and I couldn't fit.

Wait a minute, did you break

in through that window?

This one?

Oh, no, that could've

been anybody.

The brick on the ground says

"Property of Christian Black."

"Christian..."

Yeah, yeah, it does.

But, I mean, that could belong

to any black Christian, right?

I mean, okay, shh...

Enough with the interrogation.

Come here.

Do not move,

or I'll be forced to punish you.

I said don't move!

Okay-

Ooh!

That feels weird. What is that?

It's so hairy.

Yeah! Yes!

Wait, wait, wait, don't move.

Don't, don't...

(GRUN Damn it, that sh*t was cold!

Are you ready,

Ms. Steale?

Yes, Christian.

Ooh!

You brought a condom, right?

A condom?

Yeah.

Oh... Okay.

Yeah, of course!

Of course I got a condom.

Hold on one second.

God damn it!

Just knowing you care enough

to use protection excites me.

Aha! Old trusty dusty!

"March, 1982?"

Aw, hell no.

Yeah, I got one

right here! Found it!

Here, let me open it

up so you can hear it.

Okay-

I'm just gonna scoot these

little bad boys to the side.

Oh! And then I'm gonna park this

right there.

Oh, my God, it feels so natural.

It's like you're not

wearing anything at all!

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