Fifty Shades Page #5

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It's lambskin foreskin.

Oh! Just relax.

What?

No, not you. Now I'm

talking to myself.

Okay? Oh... Ready?

That was like two strokes!

This nigga's back

here settin' records!

They gonna put me

on a Wheaties box! Oh!

Thank God you're

wearing a condom.

I know, 'cause, boy,

we wouldn't want to

get you pregnant, right?

I know. I'm not even taking any

birth control and I'm ovulating.

Did I tell you that

twins run in my family?

Twins?

My sister had sextuplets.

Sextu...

Oh, really? Let me just

get an after-sex mint.

Here, Hannah, here.

Have one of these.

Here you go.

Yeah.

Ugh! it tastes weird.

All done?

Ah!

Good girl. Phew!

Shall we begin,

Ms. Steale?

Page one, paragraph one.

This must change!

There's a typo in the header.

That's it?

Mr. Black, I will end this

negotiation right now!

My apologies.

Page four,

section 13-20.

With regards to anal fisfing.

Is there a problem?

Absolutely not.

And strike out vaginal fisting.

I mean, if you're gonna do anal,

you're obviously gonna have vaginal

fisting. I mean, it's a given.

Oh, for sure.

I will put that...

I'm putting that

in there in bold.

Next page, sex toys. "Are they

acceptable to the submissive?"

D*ldos, I guess.

Butt plugs, fine.

F*** yeah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

How did this slip

through the cracks?

What's with the genital clamps?

Sorry, Ms. Steale, I...

I can't seem to

find those in my...

Because you forgot

to put them in there.

Rookie move,

Mr. Black.

Silly me.

Let's be clear. I will not

share you with another woman.

I require at least two or three.

Five.

Seven.

Seven it is.

You're not gonna shortchange me, Mr.

Black.

You drive a hard

bargain, Ms. Steale.

Thank you. You know, Ms. Steale,

I'd like to f*** you into

the middle of next month.

Silly. You couldn't

f*** me

into the middle

of the next minute.

I'll f*** you into

a different galaxy.

You'll be like, "Oh, sh*t,

it's cold in Pluto!"

Yeah, well, I'm gonna f*** you

at the Stephen Hawking exhibit.

And I'm gonna ram

your ass so hard

that I cause a tear in

the time-space continuum.

I'll f*** you

through slavery times,

and you'll get

your freedom papers.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna

rent me a DeLorean

and f*** you back to the future.

I'll f*** you into

a whole 'nother planet,

where that insect

is from Men in Black.

You'll be like, "Oh, sh*t!

How many times you f*** me?"

Three million, 746

hundred million times.

And you'd

be like, "Why?"

And I'd be like, "Shut up," and I

hit you with the neuron, like...

You'd be like,

"Oh, my God, why is

my vagina so sore?"

And I'd be like,

"You fell."

Well played, Mr. Black.

I've done this before.

And he's a major beneficiary

of our university.

Interestingly enough,

he donates all cash.

Usually in ones,

fives, twenties,

the odd rolled-up $100 bill that's

got a little bit of powder on it.

Please welcome

Mr. Christian Black.

What you talkin' 'bout my business, huh?

Don't get cut.

Thank you. Let's talk about

life and your purpose.

You all spent four hard years in

this school getting your diploma,

putting your parents in debt,

for what?

Between global warming and

the world economy crashing,

I don't even know why you're

trying to better yourselves.

Give up hope!

Think about it.

You are wasting time.

You. You're a drug addict

waiting to happen.

Look at you. You can't wait to get

outta here and smoke some weed.

And you!

You are a stripper!

Your ass is twerkin'

as I'm sitting here talking.

You can find

the rhythm in anything.

And you, sir.

Well, you're white.

You'll be fine.

So, in closing,

I would like to say,

"Thank God I'm not you."

Kateesha! Oh, my God, we did it!

Girl!

I'm so proud of you.

Who you telling?

I was close, girl.

I was one handjob away from losing

valedictorian to that b*tch,

Lindsey Hung, right?

What are you talking...

Shut up.

I see that b*tch,

she talkin' sh*t.

She gonna need a gynecologist

when I'm done f***ing

that b*tch up! All right!

Girl, I'll see you later.

I'mma go punch

a b*tch in the throat.

Lindsey!

You bilingual b*tch!

So proud of you.

Hannah!

Dad!

I'm so happy to see you.

Oh! I'm so

proud of you.

You know, I thought you'd

turn out not to be sh*t.

But you ended up

looking real good,

being that you

from a drunken whore.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, your

mama's over at the rehab.

Twenty-seven times

is the f***ing charm.

Isn't it? Yeah, it's

the f***ing charm.

Hey, where are

my other stepdads?

Right over there.

Jonny Quest, B.B. King.

I don't know who that nigga

is with his shirt off.

That must be your birth daddy.

Yeah, it's all good. What a

great bunch of guys.

And you know the old saying,

"it takes a village."

And it's true.

Especially when it comes

to your mom being a gutter slut

and the village is a gangbang.

The village is a gangbang.

Hannah!

Hi!

Hey, hey, hey, hold up, player!

Sh*t, how you gonna walk up and

kiss the girl that I raised?

What kind of sh*t is this?

Ron, this is my boyfriend,

Christian Black.

Boyfriend!

Ron, to be honest with you,

I just f***ed her a few times.

"Boyfriend" makes it sound

serious, like I went raw.

I mean, I might've

dipped, but...

Are you thinkin'

about marrying her?

No.

What if she get pregnant?

Still no, but hell no.

I like this fella!

I like this nigga right here.

I fucks with your stepdad.

You know what,

from player to player,

Black, I really like you, man.

You can f*** anybody you wanna f***.

Thank you.

Yeah, just don't pass her

around like we did her mama.

That's all I ask you to do.

Yes, sir, out of respect.

We passed her mama

around like a baton, man.

Yeah.

You never told me

that about your mother.

Your mother f***ed everybody

in the neighborhood,

and then wanted to settle down

with me, and I went for it.

You know what, I gotta

hang out with you, man,

get your knowledge, man, 'cause

you got a lot of wisdom.

I got a lot of wisdom

and I been through a lot,

and I done been

with a lot of hos

and the smells

that's on my fingers

over all the years...

Oh, sh*t! What!

Still there. Never went away.

Oh! Damn!

Wow, sir! I smelled every

last single one of them!

Yes, man.

It was like beautiful and

horrible at the same time.

I've stuck my hands in some of

the nastiest b*tches'

pants all over the world.

Really?

Asia, Malaysia, Congo.

Hmm.

That's Dubai right there.

Wow, I smell the hair.

Touched a b*tch's booty hole

in Dubai at the airport.

I bet you could probably spit a

lot of game to me, my nigga.

Let's take a picture,

let me get a picture

of me and you.

Make it a selfie.

No, no, baby.

Just me and him.

Ready? One, two, three. Nigga!

Where are we going?

Congratulations, Hannah.

That's a car.

With a broken window?

Do you like it?

Yeah. It's nice.

You know what I went

through to steal this car?

I mean...

The car was a steal.

Did you just roll your eyes at me?

No.

Listen, there's only

two things I hate,

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