Fifty Shades Page #6

---

when you roll your

eyes at me and Craisins.

Like, what is a Craisin? It's not

a cranberry, it's not a raisin.

Like, it doesn't

even make sense.

Look, you just rolled your eyes

at me again! No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

I have it on tape.

Check this out.

Look at this.

Oh, what's she doing? She's

rolling her eye. Look at that.

How did you do that? Come

on, you, with me, now.

But...

Teach you a little lesson about

rolling your eyes. Come on.

Oh.

Now, do you know

why I'm gonna punish you?

Because you're a sicko

who likes abusing women.

While there may be some truth

to that, that's not the reason.

Because I rolled my eyes.

Bingo.

Oh!

This is gonna hurt you a whole lot

more than it's gonna hurt me.

Ha!

Welcome to my world.

Oh, God! F***!

Ooh, that hurt! Oh!

Did you do it?

Ow.

Okay, 15 across,

"winter beverage."

Nothing? You don't

feel nothing?

I love knitting.

Are you gonna spank me? All this

build-up is getting boring.

Okay, okay, you wanna play?

Oh, I got something for you.

Excuse me.

Enough of your games. It's about

to get real dark in here.

Sure.

Are you gonna find something

that actually works?

Big brother almighty!

Whoo!

That was my sorority paddle!

Oh!

You know, Hannah,

I didn't wanna have

to do this to you,

but you've been a naughty girl.

Did you break my f***ing stool?

No.

I think I'm pretty good at this.

Oh...

I don't...

I don't understand.

I f***ing hit you with everything.

I don't get it.

Don't feel bad.

I haven't really felt

anything down there

since I got my butt implants.

I'll just... I'll see you back

at my place tomorrow. Yeah.

When you're in this room,

you do as I say.

Is that understood?

Yes.

Yes, who?

Yes, sir.

Good girl.

Hands up.

Turn around.

On your knees.

Stay.

Don't look at me!

Raise your hand.

Did that hurt?

No.

Sometimes the pain

is in your mind.

God damn it! Motherfuck!

And sometimes the pain

is not in your mind!

Jerk!

I have a very important

question to ask you, Ms. Steale.

Where is bin Laden?

What?

Where is bin Laden? When was the

last time you saw bin Laden?

Where is he?

I don't know!

He's been dead for five years!

I don't keep up

on current events!

And now the real torture begins.

Where were we?

I can't remember the safe word.

Chapter 23.

"it was a cold,

gloomy day in Seattle."

Oh, God, this book is 50

shades of f***ing terrible.

Who wrote this,

a third-grader?

Please go back to

the water-torture thing!

What's the safe word?

Stop it!

What's your safe word?

I don't know.

Please just... Are you

gonna let me down now?

Yes, Ms. Steale.

If I could just find these keys.

You didn't see the keys... No, I

know where they are. I just...

God, my arms are

really starting to hurt.

I got an idea.

See, most people use a universal

lock key in their sex dungeons

for reasons just like this. Hmm.

But what you got here is

an over-molded swivel key.

All right, that's a custom job.

You're gonna need somebody else

to take a look at this.

Yeah, I don't know

what to tell you.

Next time, I'd put one of those

tracker app things on the key

so you don't lose it.

What are they called?

Oh, I know the name.

It's on the tip of my tongue.

It starts with a

Ta...

Maybe Ten?

Telepathy?

Hey, dipshits,

it's called a Tile.

Tile!

Holy sh*t, you're good!

You went to college!

Hell yeah!

Come on!

I've picked a lot

of locks in my day,

but I've never seen

anything like this.

Man, it's impressive.

Thank you.

Yeah. I got nothing.

Who's next?

Who's next? What are you

guys, Ocean's Eleven?

How many more fuckups

are you gonna bring in here?

- Stand back!

- Oh.

On the count of three,

the Great Mysterio

shall command these

shackles unlocked!

One! Do not

divert your gaze.

Two! Illusion!

Three! Mysterio!

Thank you.

Um...

Uh...

Yeah, that didn't work. All

the locks are still there.

Nothing happened!

Oh. I got nothing, guys.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, speaking of disappearing, I have

a bar mitzvah in one hour. Mysterio!

Oh, damn!

Oh, my God.

This was not in the contract!

Where we going?

To my parents' house for dinner.

You look lovely.

Thank you.

Where'd you learn to dance?

At this little club in Tampa.

Dance!

Yeah!

Ooh, wow.

Ah! F***!

What's that?

Oh, my God,

he's got a baby dick!

It's just the lighting! It's bad lighting!

It's creating shadow!

It's not little!

You're just little people!

Hi.

Oh, you made it.

Hannah! It's so

good to see you.

Hi.

Hannah, this is my dad, Gary.

Are we ever happy

to meet you, Hannah.

Really?

Oh, yes.

I was sure that

Christian was gay.

He's well-groomed,

loves Lady Gaga.

Can't take his eyes

off of Anderson Cooper.

What kind of

Republican watches CNN?

Hi! I'm Mai!

It's so nice to meet you!

I can't believe

you're a Republican.

That's his deep, dark secret.

Shall we?

I can't believe you're a Republican.

Sorry.

Ah...

Mrs. Black, this

food looks amazing.

Oh, thank you, Hannah.

Well, it was important to me

that our adopted children were

exposed to their native cultures.

So, for Eli, I have

prepared Balangu.

It's a spicy goat

dish from Nigeria.

And for Mai, of course,

we have Peking Duck

from the Mandarin

province of China.

I'm Korean!

Don't be fresh, Mai!

There are billions of

starving Chinese children

who need their energy

to make sneakers for Nike,

and they would

kill for this meal.

For Christian, of course, we

have fried chicken and Kool-Aid.

It's a very popular

dish in Detroit, Michigan.

And your favorite,

of course, hot sauce!

Oh, Mom.

So, Hannah, are you interested

in having children?

Yes, I would,

if I met the right person.

Oh, you have no idea what joy we

have had from having our kids.

Mai's the one that I

worried about the most.

I mean, she was so sweet.

I mean, it seemed

almost inevitable

that she'd grow up one day

and run off with Gary.

Like that little

director fellow, you know,

the one that married Mia Farrow?

Oh, sweetheart, please stop.

She's our daughter.

She's a hot

little number, though.

Hannah, I would really recommend

adopting underprivileged

children.

Wow, that's really just so

sweet of you, Mrs. Black.

It is a great conversation

starter at charities,

it helps your social standing...

Give it to me.

and your vag

doesn't get stretched out

like an elastic band

at Cirque du Soleil.

Okay, Mom.

Mom, please.

There was just nothing I

wouldn't do for my children. Hot, hot...

I even learned to

speak Mandarin for Mai.

That's not even a real language.

KATEESHA Hit that bottom!

Hannah, where is

your family from?

Oh...

My mom lives in Georgia.

Oh, Atlanta!

Oh, then your mom

must be a stripper.

She actually lives in Savannah,

and she's just a housewife.

Sure she is, dear.

I'm gonna go and visit her,

actually, in a few days.

Drinks anyone?

Drinkies?

I'll have two.

I'd love to, Mom,

but I promised Hannah

I'd show her the estate.

Home stretch! Yes!

Excuse us, please.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes