Fifty Shades Page #7

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It's grocery time.

It's like I'm on air right now!

How come you didn't

tell me about her?

Who, my mom?

My God, she has a nickname?

Do you love her?

Of course, she's my mother.

God, how long has

this been going on?

Since birth.

Oh, come on, I can't

compete with that!

Hey, you don't have

to compete with it!

You're my boyfriend,

she's my mom.

They're two totally

different relationships!

No, they're not! Okay,

Hannah, you're mine, okay?

There's no mother, no brother, no

cousins, no second cousin removed,

no friends that you call cousin

'cause your parents are close!

There's none of that.

No play cousins?

No play cousins.

Christian, what do you want?

I want Kevin Hart not

to be in every movie!

Why? He's hilarious.

Come on, there's

other black actors!

How about them?

Like who?

It could've been Sam

Jackson in Ride Along.

Who knows what kind of crazy wig

he would have been wearing?

I thought you wanted me!

What do you want, love letters?

Hickies? Edible Arrangements?

Mmm.

You know, that's not even real flowers.

It's f***ing fruit.

Yeah, but it's delicious.

And it's a start, okay?

And maybe we could advance to

a Tiffany's engagement ring,

and a wedding where we invite

500 of our closest friends,

and then we have seven kids,

and we live in a big house...

Whoa. You had this whole

thing planned out, huh?

You know, is it me or

is it hot in here? Sh*t.

You want me to be

somebody that I'm not.

No, no, it's not me

that's changing you.

It's you that's changing me!

Wait a minute.

That's a line

from the movie Radio.

No, it's not.

Yeah, yeah, the movie

with Cuba Gooding, Jr.,

where he played this

mentally disabled athlete.

"It's not us

that's teaching Radio,

"it's Radio

that's teaching us."

Nah, mine is way different.

It's the same premise.

You complete me?

Jerry Maguire, also

starring Cuba Gooding, Jr.

I don't understand

your whole fixation on him.

You know, all this time I thought

I wasn't in the right place,

but I was!

That's Snow Dogs.

God damn it!

I gotta stop binging on Netflix.

Hannah!

That song sounds so sad.

Not as sad as Luther Vandross'

Dance With My Father.

Oh, God, that song tears me up.

Every time I hear it, I just

wanna go, "Where's my daddy?"

Christian, we have to talk.

You mean like white people?

What's wrong with that?

Well, they just

talk a lot, you know?

They do it differently

than black people do it.

White people don't like to

argue, they like to discuss.

Then they start throwing

around all these big SAT words

and putting a lot of emotional

guilt on each other.

It's just too much to deal with.

I like it the black way, you know,

where we curse each other out,

we may fight, and then

we get cool again,

but we talk about each other

behind each other's back, like,

"Oh, nah, I ain't

f***ing with that b*tch."

But what you not gonna do...

But what you not gonna do...

You not gonna do...

You not about to "not" me!

Uh-uh...

Don't let me get

to clappin', boo.

Oh, hell no.

See, that's...

That's communication.

I feel better already.

Christian.

Hey!

You're not upset

because I haven't signed

the contract yet, are you?

I mean, it's not even legally enforceable.

You know that, right?

What's important

here are the rules.

And if you break them,

you should be punished.

How are you gonna punish me?

First off, you'll get grounded.

I'll make you stand in

the corner for an hour.

And then I will

send you to your room

without no supper, young lady.

Christian, this is crazy.

Why do you need to punish me?

Because I'm 51

shades of f***ed up!

You know I'm five-four

seconds from wildin'.

I got three fillets for fryin'.

I got 99 problems,

but now a b*tch is one!

That's 100 problems, Hannah!

I can only deal with so much.

99's fine.

A hundred jus... I can't

even count that far.

Okay-

Then you show me the worst.

I wanna see how bad it can get.

No more of this

p*ssy-ass punishment

you've been doling out thus far.

I wanna go all the way.

Is that something that

you think you can do?

Thank you.

Yes.

Bend over.

Hmm.

Mmm-mmm.

Hmm.

Aha.

Nothin' says ass-whuppin'

like good ol' Joe Jackson.

Hannah.

I'm gonna spank you six times.

I need you to count with me.

God damn it, motherf***er!

I said count with me!

One! Two!

Jesus! it hurts so bad I can't

keep count! Where were we?

I don't know!

God damn it, Hannah!

I don't know how to count, okay?

My crackhead mother

never taught me.

How about this?

Let's try in Spanish.

Spanish?

Si.

Tres. Cuatro.

I'm not too sure, but I think

cinco comes after tres.

Are you kidding me?

Cuatro comes after tres.

Well, don't get mad at me.

I don't know Spanish.

Look, my crackhead

mother never taught me

how to count or

how to speak Spanish.

Now we gotta start from scratch!

No!

Whoo!

I am tired. Oh, God,

that is exhausting.

Oh, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.

Oh. Come on, let's get you up.

Don't touch me!

Hey!

Does it make you

happy to see me like this?

I mean, not really.

You look like a sad Gollum.

Like you's all bent over, and you're

crying. You look a little crazy.

Come on, don't hate me.

Hate you?

I loathe you.

Whoa. That's a thesaurus

word right there.

I hate you the way

black people hate cops.

Wow.

I hate you the way

Republicans hate ObamaCare!

Baby, come on now.

I hate you the way

Kanye West hates everybody else!

Well, I'm kind of

with him on Taylor Swift.

What is that

b*tch singing about?

You will never do

that to me again.

You said it was cool.

I know niggas, grimy niggas

who do not value themselves,

and they will have no

problem coming down here

to f*** your little ass up!

Whoa. Slow it up now.

Just one "Cuckoo!"

And they will swoop down on you

like pigeons on

old garlic bread!

You can't be cuckooin'

on this mo'f***!

You gotta calm them niggas down.

You know what?

Let's try something else.

Aw, this is cute.

I get it, a little role-play.

It's cute.

Handcuffs. All right.

You thought you were gonna

do this sh*t to me?

You messed with the wrong b*tch.

You sound angry.

This is for Kerry Washington

from De-jango Unchained!

It's f***ing... That is Django!

The "D" is silent!

This is for Lupita Nyong'o

in 12 Years a Slave!

God damn it!

It stings so bad!

All she wanted was some soap!

Even the antibacterial soap!

This is for Denzel Washington.

Wait, he's not even a woman.

You're just getting crazy.

But they made him cry in Glory.

Who makes Denzel

Washington cry? Nobody!

You talkin' 'bout like this?

See, look, I have a Glory tear.

If it wasn't for

Denzel Washington,

Flight would've been

a f***ing Soul Plane!

Sh*t!

Why the f*** did they

make Soul Plane anyway?

And this is for the little white

girl in Fifty Shades of Grey!

Johnson.

Dakota Johnson.

She had to be naked

the whole f***ing movie!

That sh*t was just gratuitous!

Whoo! Ah!

It burns! it burns! It feels

like someone lit a...

My ass on fire!

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