Fifty Shades of Black

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Give me that!

(SCREAMING)

- (GRUNTS)

- Move!

- Hey, sir! Sir! Come back!

- (ALARM BLARING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

HANNAH:

I've gotta get outta here.

Boo, boo, boo, hey, hey, hey.

Girl, you got that

list of questions?

Yes.

I think I have

everything that I need.

Be happy you ain't got

this chlamydia, all right?

Ooh, girl, I tried

to take a piss earlier,

it was like there was an angry

dragon inside my snatch,

you know, like some

Game of Thrones sh*t!

That's terrible, Kateesha.

I can't help it when

a tall, athletic brother

come pushing up

on this thickness.

Ooh, yeah...

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, God, girl, I thank God

every motherfucking day

that the SuperSonics

moved to Oklahoma. Sh*t.

Okay, I'm gonna go so I won't

be late for your interview.

What the f*** are

you wearing, girl?

There ain't no camouflage, no

fishnets and no fluorescent colors.

How they gonna see you in the dark, b*tch?

How they gonna see you?

I gotta go.

(CAR BACKFIRES)

Wow, so big.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Oh, I'm sorry.

If you're looking for the homeless

shelter, it's two doors down.

Oh, no, I'm...

I'm Hannah Steale.

I'm here to see Mr. Black.

The college b*tch.

May I take your coat?

Yes, please.

Thank you.

Ew...

Follow me.

In case you're wondering,

I'm the hot secretary

who's f***ing the boss,

which means there's no

room for the dopey intern

with the damaged

hair and the cankles.

Come here.

- (EXHALES)

- Ugh!

That's the smell of his balls

after lunch and two

games of racquetball.

(INHALES) Mmm...

Have a nice day,

Ms. Steale.

(IN A LOW VOICE)

Plain-ass b*tch.

- (DOOR THUDS)

- (SIGHS)

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

Ow! My neck. Ow. Ooh.

You...

(GROWLING)

Oh, sh*t!

I guess I should've

tried pulling.

Ms. Kavahellnah.

Christian Black.

Are you okay?

I think so, yeah.

Good, 'cause you got f***ed up!

(LAUGHING)

I mean, you hit that statue

like a hard-charging rhino,

and I say rhino because you're

a lot fatter than I thought,

and you got this

bump on your nose

- that resembles a small horn.

- Um...

- Maybe you wanna get that squeezed.

- Okay.

A little Proactiv on it.

I'm not Ms. Kavahellnah.

You ain't Ms. Kavahellnah?

- Who the f*** are you?

- My name is Hannah Steale.

I'm studying literature

with Kateesha at the university.

Oh.

Please, have a seat.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

No.

- No.

- So, what do you want?

Jesus Christ!

Just spit it out!

A pencil.

(MOCKING) A pencil... (NORMALLY)

You should've just said that in the beginning!

Gosh! Here, take 'em!

- Jesus!

- Thank you.

You gotta get your sh*t together,

Ms. Steale.

Sh*t.

These are Kateesha's

questions, okay?

"You have mad stacks of cash.

"How'd you get it,

and can I get some?"

(CHUCKLES) Oh...

Ms. Steale.

I got my money

the way most black

entrepreneurs got theirs.

- Real estate?

- Drug dealing.

See, you have to know your

business inside and out.

I smoked crack.

Not for long,

but just long enough to know

what a penis tastes like.

Tastes like raw rump roast.

- Mmm. (SMACKS LIPS)

- Ew!

I got all ashy, like E.T.

when he was sick in the river.

I lost six essential teeth.

Have you ever tried to eat

steak with one molar?

No. Why would I do that?

Gnaw and suck.

Gnaw and suck.

It's hard.

- Could be that you're lucky.

- No.

Keanu Reeves is lucky.

Flo Rida is lucky.

Iggy Azalea is lucky.

Yeah, he's lucky.

Next question.

"Is you gay, or is you

gay as a motherf***er?"

Just because you touch a penis

doesn't mean you're gay.

Especially if it's

for money or crack.

You're only gay if you

enjoy touching penis.

You touch a penis with attitude, like...

"I don't really like this."

That ain't gay.

It's just exploratory.

You said you're

an English major.

Was it Chaucer, Shelley or Keats

that first made you fall

in love with literature?

- It was Seuss.

- Seuss!

- Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2.

- ...and Thing 2!

I mean, who doesn't

wanna be them?

Well, you know, me and my

brother were Thing 1

and Thing 2 for

Halloween this year.

- Really?

- Yeah. Check this out.

(HANNAH GASPS)

Oh, my God, look at both of you!

We called 'em

Thang 1 and Thang 2.

(BOTH LAUGHS)

That's amazing.

What if I wanted to hire you?

I don't know. I see the way

the women dress around here.

I don't exactly fit in.

You know, despite the

Salvation Army sweater,

the greasy weaves,

and your big ol' Usher nose,

there's something oddly

attractive about you.

Yeah, you're like

the little ugly runt

in a litter full

of pretty puppies.

You know, the little ugly one

that nobody wants to touch.

You're, all hairless and

big-eyed and wild-looking.

But you just wanna take you

home and give you love,

or stuff you in a sack

with a bunch of rocks

and just toss

your little ugly ass

at the bottom of the ocean.

Just put you out your misery.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you, Mr. Black.

Please, call me Christian.

- Christian.

- I hope I answered all your questions.

- (ELEVATOR DINGS)

- You certainly did.

- Hannah.

- Christian.

- Ooh, sh*t!

- (ELEVATOR ALARM BLARING)

Oh, God!

Oh!

Jesus Christ!

Oh, God, make it stop!

- (ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE)

- (SIGHS)

White girls,

get that elevator fixed.

(DOOR OPENS)

Ooh, Hannah!

So, how was he?

He was all right, I guess.

Oh, sh*t! You f***ed him,

girl! I knew that sh*t!

(SINGSONG) Yeah, girl,

get that dick, girl, get that dick.

What? Uh! Get that dick!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Take it to town, motherf***er.

Get that dick.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Sh*t, girl, yeah! Ooh!

So, did he have a big dick?

- What?

- Ooh, girl, was it like real skinny, girl,

or was it like real long,

like skinny long?

'Cause that's f***ing weird.

But, like, short

and thick, girl?

I can get down with

that short, fat dick.

No, there is... There's no...

There's no dick.

Remember what I told you, okay?

If it's got like little red zit-like

things on the head of that sh*t,

you put that in your butt, okay?

He gonna be like,

"Oh, girl, no, it's just skin tags."

"B*tch, you got 47

skin tags on your dick?

"I ain't falling for that sh*t.

"Again!" Okay?

Mmm, but you gotta admit,

girl, he is bangin'! Mmm!

Yeah, I guess if you're

into the wildly-successful,

super-handsome,

possibly-dangerous thing,

then Christian

Black is your guy.

B*tch, I'm talkin'

'bout Lil Weezy!

Ooh, girl, he got

tats on his tats.

And he ain't afraid

to get a b*tch pregnant.

Let you keep

the baby and everythin'.

Mmm.

You gonna eat that?

Ooh, I wish I could find a man

the size of this to satisfy me.

(CHUCKLES)

This sh*t better be gluten-free.

(SIGHS)

Hmm, Mr. Black.

Oh, God.

Mmm... God, Christian.

Mmm...

(MOANING)

(CLIPBOARD CLATTERS)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God, you know

what I wanna do.

(CONTINUES MOANING)

(RETCHES AND SPITS)

(GAGGING)

(YELLING)

(CONTINUES GAGGING)

(MOANS)

(COUGHS)

(PANTING)

(CHUCKLES)

(GASPS)

- Hi.

- What the f***?

What a pleasant

surprise, Ms. Steale.

Please, call me Hannah.

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