Fifty Shades of Black Page #2

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Okay, Ms. Steale.

I was just in the area and

wanted to pick up a few items.

Are you stalking me, Mr. Black?

(LAUGHS)

Yes.

I mean, unless you

don't want me to.

You do want me to, don't you?

Just something to think about.

Can I help you with something?

Yes.

I would like to pick up some

cable ties and some tape.

Well, you're in luck, we got

some cable ties right here.

- What color do you want?

- Red.

The color of passion.

The tape is this way.

Follow me.

If I didn't know better,

I might mistake you

for a serial killer.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't be ridiculous.

If I was a serial killer,

I'd need rope, ax, lye, ammonia,

chlorophyll, wood

chipper, plastic sheets

and three large

boxes of space Pampers.

And a shovel.

Second thought...

I think I need to

pick up a few more items.

Well, looks like

you're all set now.

Thank you, Ms. Steale.

Hey, if your roommate needs a

photo to go with the story,

I'll be around tomorrow.

And the next day.

And the day after that.

I'm actually around

all of next week.

Here. Just contact me.

"Christian Black.

"I'm not a bidness man,

I'm a bidness... man."

Thank you so much

for your help, Ms. Steale.

Let me know when those space

Pampers come in, okay?

- Save me three boxes!

- (THUDS)

Got a long drive ahead of me.

(CHUCKLES) Bye!

I'm gonna call you.

(DOOR OPENS)

(JESSE VOCALIZING)

- Jesse!

- Hey.

Thank you so much

for doing this last minute.

Hannah, listen, you are

my best friend, okay?

You know I'd do

anything for you, right?

Oh!

- Yeah. I'd really love a handjob, though.

- What?

I said I really love this job.

It's amazing.

Oh, my God. Get in here.

(GRUNTS)

Later I wanna hit it.

Uh... Um...

I didn't catch the last thing.

I said later

I wanna hit the bar.

- Oh.

- Come on, Hannah,

it's what platonic friends do.

You know?

You grab a beer, right?

Then you make out and have sex

until we question the status of our

friendship or whatever, you know?

- I guess. Come on.

- Yeah. Come here.

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

Hannah! Did you just

kiss me on my lips?

- Wait, I thought that...

- No. Listen. Okay, let's get one thing clear.

- We are just friends. Don't make it weird.

- Oh, no, I thought...

- It's okay, I'll f*** you later.

- Wait. What?

I said I'll see you later.

- Jeez, Hannah.

- Oh.

Just go.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

JESSE:
Pow! Pow!

Girl, he's staring

at you like some real

Fear-type

sh*t right now, girl.

He look like Marky Mark

after he left the Funky Bunch

and started acting, girl.

All right, give me a smile.

Cheese.

All right, don't ever

f***ing smile again, okay?

He asked me to go to coffee

with him after the shoot.

Oh, girl, that's cute!

Last time I went to coffee,

I got eaten out

outside of McDonald's.

That McCaf menu

got a girl gushin'.

- All right, let's break the Internet.

- (CORK POPS)

Eat.

I'm not your dog, you

can't tell me what to do.

You're right. If you were

my dog, I would do this.

Bad girl! Bad, bad, bad girl!

(SPITS)

So, tell me about your family.

Well...

My dad left me when

I was two years old,

(YAWNING) so I was mostly

raised by my stepdad, Ron.

That's painfully uninteresting.

How about your mother?

- She's been married eight times.

- Yeah.

She's an incurable romantic.

Are you a romantic?

I guess.

(GROANS)

I mean, I like long

walks on the beach.

I like baby talk,

I like to cuddle.

Ooh, and I love

Nicholas Sparks movies.

Even the one with Miley Cyrus?

- That's my favorite one!

- B*tch, I'm out!

- (DUB STEP MUSIC PLAYING)

- (PEOPLE CHEERING)

- JESSE:
Cheers.

- Yeah.

Ooh, that tastes like a

white boy on spring break.

I hate him.

I'm gonna call him.

You want another drink?

Yes. Drink to forget.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.

- (GURGLES)

That tastes horrible.

The Molly must not be

crushed up all the way.

Let me fix it for you.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

You gotta what?

I gotta go to the ladies' room.

- Huh?

- I have to take a sh*t!

- (MUSIC STOPS)

- (ALL GASPS)

- (MUSIC CONTINUES)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hannah....Hannah, you feeling all right?

A little woozy perhaps?

- Whoa!

- Huh? Unable to make good decisions?

We should take it

to the next level

and you, like, suck my dick. Huh?

Baby, you take it

to the next level,

you stop feelin' sick, okay?

Oh, my God. You are

my bestest friend.

Yes. With benefits.

Ah... F*** my mouth

with your fingers.

F***!

I'm never gonna get none.

I'll f*** you. I ain't gonna

like it, but I'll do it.

Listen, I don't

f*** white girls, okay?

Nigga, who you callin' white?

She just call me the N word?

Kind of turned me on.

Call me "nigga" again.

- Mmm-hmm.

- (DIAL TONE RINGING)

(EXHALES)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Well, hello there.

Yeah, this is Hannah.

Hannah, are you wasted?

Yes, I am wasted.

You're a hole-ass,

you're might on the roney,

you penis suck of yours.

You sound like Yoda. Listen,

I want you to go home right now.

Don't tell me what to do,

Mr. "Oh, let's go for coffee.

"No, stay away from me!"

Let me put this in words

you can understand.

(IMITATING YODA)

Now, right home you go!

No!

I told him.

- Mmm-hmm.

- B*tch, you smell like sh*t.

(SNIFFING)

Ugh!

Oh, Hannah! Hannah!

Hey, it's cold out here.

You can't come out like that.

Oh, thank you.

How you feelin'?

Just a little bit drunk.

Are you, like, Donald-Trump-running-

for-president drunk

or, like, Donald-Trump-saying-

he-don't-like-Mexicans drunk?

'Cause that's

some crazy sh*t, man.

A lot of Mexicans out there just

crossing the border and sh*t!

And you show them niggas love!

Show them niggas love!

Can I show you some love?

What? No! (EXCLAIMS)

Come on. Come on!

Just one kiss, man!

I don't know when you gonna

be this drunk again!

Come on, gimme that kiss!

Ow! Stop!

- Hey! Hey! She said no!

- Stop!

HANNAH:
Christian!

You just push me, nigga?

Oh, you got some crazy

sh*t coming, boy.

Wait. Hold up.

This nigga comin' back?

Comin' to you, nigga.

He comin' back!

(SCREAMS)

- (GRUNTS)

- WOMAN:
Damn!

Christian, stay down!

Okay. Okay.

The nigga's a ninja!

This nigga's a ninja.

- WOMAN:
Worldstar!

- (SPITS)

- B*tch!

- HANNAH:
He had such a beautiful face.

Did he leave?

You better run!

Oh, I don't feel

so good, Christian.

Come on, let's get you home.

Oh, no, I can't with you,

because my roommate is in there.

Don't worry. She's being

well taken care of.

What's your name again?

My name is Eli.

My friends call me Weekday.

I'm Christian's brother.

Ooh... Mmm...

The poor one.

Mmm-mmm...

I know what you're saying,

"Oh, he's financially poor,

yet spiritually rich."

Mmm...

- Nah, that don't count.

- What do you feel?

- What do you feel?

- Oh, my God.

When does that end?

Oh, my God!

The weight of my penis makes my

money too heavy to carry around!

Yes!

I'll see you later, woman.

(MOANS)

- Until we meet again.

- How can I touch you?

I mean, get in touch with you!

My number

is seven.

Oh!

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