Fifty Shades of Black Page #3

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That's a good number.

Oh, God.

I'mma call you!

- (MOANS SLOWLY)

- Good morning.

I've been staring

at you all night.

I haven't blinked once.

Gosh, my eyes are hurting.

- How did I get here?

- I brought you here, Hannah.

Did you undress me?

I sure did. Mmm...

My God, we didn't...

No, we didn't.

And I have the blue

balls to prove it.

Look at these things.

(GROANS)

Ugh!

What are those?

What the f*** are those?

Oh... It hurts so much.

I don't know what to do!

Why are you showing me this?

I ordered you some breakfast.

Here. Eat. You'll

need your strength.

But you licked this one, and did all

sorts of other weird stuff to it.

Can I get a fresh one?

Maybe some jam.

- No, eat it.

- (SIGHS)

Why don't you just

leave me alone, Christian?

Because I'm incapable

of leaving you alone.

I'm a certified stalker.

I have four restraining orders,

and I'm currently

working on a fifth.

Listen to me.

I don't do the romance thing.

Anal, yes.

Fisting, sure.

Two in the pink,

one in the stink, yeah.

I do that.

But I don't do romance.

You know, I'd like

to bite that lip.

I wish you would.

(GROANS)

Ow!

Ow! Mmm...

Oh, my God!

(CONTINUES GROANING)

(GASPS)

- (SIGHING)

- (SOBS)

Come on, let's get

you outta here.

- God, that made me wet.

- Oh!

Oh, love it.

F*** the bullshit.

(BOTH MOANING)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

- (MAN CLEARS THROAT)

- How you doin'?

(BOTH MOANING)

CHRISTIAN:
Open your eyes.

Lizard kisses, come on.

(EXCLAIMING)

(MOANING CONTINUES)

Vampire bite!

(SCREAMING)

I love it! More!

(SCREAMING) Yes! Yes!

CHRISTIAN:
Oh, my God!

(MOANING CONTINUES)

(CHOKING)

You shut up and watch.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Get outta here!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Excuse me.

I have to warn you,

elevators make me horny.

Ooh, Daddy, I want you to

write a song about me.

I wanna be your muse.

Oh, this is a great time.

I'm inspired to write a song

about you right now.

Ooh, that feels so good.

(SINGING) 'Cause I love

havin' sex unprotected

Ooh.

And I love when my

dick's in you naked

Deeper, Daddy, deeper! Yeah!

Goin' raw in you, you, you...

Yes! Yes!

Goin' raw in you, you, you, you

Ooh, I think you going platinum

in about two minutes! Oh!

You're infected, yeah

Need antiseptic, yeah

'Cause, girl, you burned it

Ooh, that like an E minor or something?

Oh, you burned it!

Oh, you burned

Ah... You...

(SCREAMING)

Ooh, sh*t.

(GRUNTS) Motherf***er!

You done?

I gotta get to church.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

- Hey!

- Oh.

CHRISTIAN:

You two are f***ing.

- Ooh.

- (PANTING) Hey, bro.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

- (CHUCKLES) How you doin'?

- My brother.

My brother, peace and blessings.

Hannah, this is my

little brother, Eli.

- Little?

- ELI:
Yes.

I'm Eli, like the

movie about the book,

because I'm deep.

CHRISTIAN:
He is deep.

Balls deep.

Yeah.

Kateesha told me

a lot about you.

Yeah, you're like...

You're, like, a lot

plainer than

I thought you would be.

Well, she plain but pretty.

- You're like a brick wall, just boring and rigid...

- CHRISTIAN:
Okay.

And 'gust ashy 'm some phases.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,

enough with the small talk.

We have a long

drive ahead of us.

We do. Great pleasure.

It's been a pleasure.

The moon shall rise again.

Ooh, that so romantic, boo.

What that mean?

- Deuces, b*tch.

- Okay, I got you! I see you later!

- Nice meeting you.

- Bye.

All right, so listen.

Meet me at the office later.

I have something

special planned for you.

- Okay? Deuces, b*tch.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Who you calling a b*tch?

- Oh, sh*t!

KATEESHA:
Damn, girl.

I was just saying.

He said it to her,

and I thought it was cute.

Mmm.

CHRISTIAN:
Damn, b*tch...

I mean, girl.

Are you ready for

the ride of your life?

Oh, my God! Are we gonna

go in your helicopter?

I can't believe you thought I was

gonna take you on the chopper.

We haven't even f***ed yet.

(LAUGHS)

After you.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Holy sh*t!

You live here?

What, a black man can't have

a nice place like this?

No, a black man cannot have a

beautiful place like this.

You know, Wesley Snipes

had a place like this,

before he stopped

doing his own taxes.

(CHUCKLES)

How about some wine?

Yes, please.

Okay.

Do you know why I brought

you here, Hannah?

I'm assuming to make sweet love.

I don't make love.

I f***.

Hard and quick.

Really quick.

It's like a Ronda Rousey fight.

You blink and it's over.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

But first you're

gonna have to sign

a nondisclosure agreement.

What's that?

It's basically lawyer talk

for "shut the f*** up."

Come with me.

I'll explain.

A nondisclosure agreement

protects both you and me,

but mostly me.

(SIGHS)

Behind this door is my playroom.

You mean, like, for your

PlayStation and stuff?

Ooh. That's a nice key.

So tight.

Keyhole don't wanna open!

You ready to get opened?

(GRUNTS)

Reload, man! Reload!

I told you to reload!

I'm an Xbox man myself.

Oh, you next, Black!

You don't want none of this.

Yo, when you done with

Wendy Williams over there,

jump on this game so I can

shoot you in the face!

I'm gonna be honest with you, Christian.

She's not attractive.

Like, the b*tch look

like she got lupus.

Well, you look like a thumb

that's been yanked out

of somebody's a**hole.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Slam dunk!

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

Yeah, well,

how about... Ha!

- I got nothing.

- 'Cause I'm better than you.

Okay, well, I got something

I really wanna show you.

Oh, my God. It's not more

broke niggas, is it?

- No more broke niggas.

- No offense.

And don't worry about those

ingrown hairs on your penis.

We can't see them through your pants.

(SNORTS)

Don't give her

all the dick, bro.

- She don't deserve it.

- Half the dick.

Over there f***ing

Charles Barkley.

(SIGHS)

F*** this sh*t!

I'm out!

Please, Ms. Steale.

Just keep an open mind.

(DOOR LATCHES)

(CART RATTLES)

Tantalizing.

Got these from my grandma.

(MIMICS WHIPPING)

You're a sick motherf***er.

No, Bill Cosby's

a sick motherf***er.

I'm just a dominant.

What does that

have to do with me?

I want you to give

yourself to me sexually.

Hence all the whips, chains

and freaky sex toys.

And what would I get out of it?

Me.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Oh, my God!

- Ooh. Let me get this straight.

- Mmm-hmm.

So, you wanna beat me

with these paddles...

- Whip.

- Whips.

You wanna chain

me to this rack...

Eh... Handcuff.

And humiliate me in

unimaginable ways,

and in exchange

for all this torture,

I get you?

Yeah, that's correct.

And women go for this?

Some women.

- Wow, It's like Disneyland for grown-ups.

- Yeah.

So, what do you think?

I'm pretty much

cool with anything,

as long as you promise you won't

tell my dad I f***ed a black guy.

So, what do you think?

Two things.

Where's the cup,

and when do we eat sh*t?

What we supposed to do in here?

Well, I thought we'd start with

a little bit of rope play.

No!

Okay, well, how about

I just mount you

to that rack over

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