Fifty Shades of Black Page #4

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there and spank you?

Hell to the no!

Perhaps a little

bit of flogging?

I don't even know what

the hell flogging means,

so f*** to the no!

(SIGHS) Okay, well, what are

we supposed to do then?

You need to find Jesus!

That's what you can do.

Okay, here's how it goes.

I've drafted a standard contract

that lays out the terms.

Lots of sex, we have more sex.

Yadda-yadda,

we end with sex.

You look it over, and you negotiate

what you're willing to do.

I hate to throw a monkey wrench

into the whole works here,

but I...

You have

low self-esteem?

No. I...

You have daddy issues.

No.

What I'm trying to

tell you is, I'm a...

(GASPS)

- A virgin?

- Yeah.

Man! I can't believe this!

I don't understand!

Okay, tell me

you've done something.

Blowj*b?

- Where does the blowing come in?

- Finger pop?

- No.

- Angry panda?

- Why is it angry?

- Why did you ask that?

Oh, my God! Okay,

tell me you've done anal.

I know how it goes.

You let guys put it in your

little rusty bullet hole

so you can tell your

mama and your pastor

that you're still a virgin.

I've just been waiting.

For what?

Girl, you are

20-something years old!

It don't get no better.

It's going to spoil!

It's fermenting down there.

Just fermenting. Okay?

You gonna tell me

nobody wanted the p*ssy?

Well, I just am very selective

about who I've wanted to...

Oh, selective?

Oh, that sound like

something somebody

with a p*ssy that

nobody wanted would say.

- Hey.

- Don't get me wrong.

I don't want it all worn out

like an old washing machine belt

or hanging like

wet straps in a car wash

or flapping around like an inflatable

figure outside of a mattress store.

But I want it to

have some experience.

Okay, look.

We're gonna fix this

situation. Right now.

I've been waiting my

whole life for this.

Come on.

Yes!

Oh... Very...

Very Sasquatch of you.

Have you never had sex

with a virgin before?

Not a hairy one.

(WHISTLING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Ow! You nicked me!

Shh...

What the hell?

Oh, yeah, I have an outie.

(SNIFFS) Oh, wow!

Whoa!

That got flavor!

- What?

- You're the first person who's seen it.

Little Eskimo kisses?

(EXCLAIMING)

(GIGGLES)

Ooh, I never had anyone

do that to it before.

- Ooh! Watch the teeth!

- Sorry.

(BOTH CHUCKLES)

Got him.

Okay.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(SNIFFING)

- (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

- (GROANS)

Sorry. I didn't have

time to shower.

Sh*t!

(MOUTHING) Thank you.

- (LATEX STRETCHING)

- (LATEX SNAPS)

Ooh!

Okay. You ready?

I'm gonna take you

to a whole 'nother galaxy!

Oh, my God, I'm coming!

(YELLING)

Oh, God! (SCREAMING)

God! God! God! God!

- Whoo!

- Already?

(GROANS)

Oh, that was amazing.

Really? I guess I was

expecting something

(SIGHS) different.

Don't worry about it. It's your first time.

Don't sweat it.

You'll get better with experience.

Just keep working on it.

Oh, you know, it's

customary for a woman

to make a man

an oversized sandwich

to help him regain his strength.

Either that or some leftover

pizza, or maybe a Hot Pocket.

You want me to make you

a Hot Pocket now?

I don't make the rules,

I'm just telling you.

(SIGHS) You got

a lot to learn, kid.

Mmm...

(SNORING)

Are you asleep already?

Nigga!

Ugh!

(MOANS SLOWLY)

(SIGHS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

CLAIRE:
Christian?

- Christian!

- Oh, sh*t!

Who the f*** is that?

My mother.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Great.

Now I gotta get rid of

two crazy b*tches. F***.

Mother!

- Ah, Christian.

- Hello.

Oh, you better get dressed, or we're

gonna be late for the regatta.

I forgot that was today.

(SIGHS) You're not doing

crack again, are you?

- No, Mother.

- I never raised you that way.

However, it is a prominent trait

in your genealogical pool.

Hello.

I'm standing my ground!

I'm standing my ground!

(GIBBERISH)

- (THUDDING)

- Oh, sh*t!

Mother, what're you doing?

That's Hannah Steale!

- (SIGHS)

- (HANNAH GROANING)

How many times I gotta tell you?

Black lives matter.

Come on, let's get you up.

- Hannah, this is my mother, Claire.

- Oh.

- I am so sorry, Hannah.

- (WHISTLES)

Oh, my, you have

beautiful breasts.

I would've thought

they'd be more droopy,

like a sock with

a rock in the toe,

like in those National

Geographic magazines.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

You're gonna have to forgive

my mother's behavior.

Sometimes she can be factually

inaccurate and quite racist.

Do not apologize

for me, Christian.

I am your mother, and I love you

like you were my

own white child.

But I still hide my wallet

at night, just in case.

As you should, Mother.

It is awesome to meet you.

- Are you two dating?

- Oh, no, Mother, we're not dating.

We're just f***ing. Hard.

And quick. Apparently,

it's the best way.

Well, I just can't tell you how

pleased l am to meet you, Hannah.

I mean, you're the first woman

I've seen Christian with.

I assumed that he was...

What would Oprah say?

"On the DL?"

(CLEARS THROAT)

Christian, you can

do so much better.

Oh, Mother.

You're one of the richest, most

handsome men in the world.

You could date white women.

Like Tiger Woods and Seal.

Okay, it's time for

you to go, Mother.

Or like Taye Diggs or Quincy Jones.

Or even Ice-T.

Hannah, Christian's Chinese

sister, Mai, has come to town,

so we're gonna hide the cats

and have the family

over for dinner.

- You should come.

- I'd be delighted.

It was really nice to meet you.

Okay, great.

Time to go, Mom.

Oh...

Now, where is my wallet?

- Still there.

- (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

- You just never know.

- Yeah.

CHRISTIAN:
Mmm...

They're delicious. Mmm.

All right.

We had breakfast.

Time to go.

- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

- Ooh, look, your Uber's here. All right.

(GROANS)

Okay, what?

Spit it out.

Well, how did you

get into this whole

- dominant-submissive thing?

- (SIGHS)

It was one of my mother's

really close friends,

and my music teacher.

I was 16.

She was older.

MRS. ROBINSON:

Don't look so nervous, Christian.

All I ask is that

you do your very best.

I thought I was supposed to

be here for music lessons.

Baby, you are.

And your lesson

starts right here.

Hey, hey. Ooh. Snap.

We got a regular

John Holmes here,

without the big

dick and the stamina!

Okay! Again!

One, two, three!

- (GRUNTS)

- (SOBS) Ow!

Do you know why

I hit you in the head

with that tambourine, Black?

I have no idea.

Well, were you rushing

or were you dragging?

I... I thought

I was f***ing.

Oh! That wasn't f***ing!

Now, count off.

One, two...

Was I rushing or was I dragging?

- Answer the question!

- (SOBBING) You were rushing!

Is that a tear?

Oh! Poor little guy.

- Are you upset?

- I'm upset.

You worthless, adopted,

unloved little piece of sh*t!

Weeping and slobbering over my

vagina like a 9-year-old girl!

Now, for the last

father-f***ing time,

- say it louder so I can hear it!

- I'm upset!

Oh, Black, get off the bed!

You make me sick.

- But I'm upset.

- Get off the bed!

- You're not ready for this!

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