Fifty Shades of Black Page #5

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- I'm ready!

MRS. ROBINSON:
Ugh!

Willy? Willy,

you're up next.

Willy?

You better get your

sh*t together, Black!

You're not gonna amount to

anything, sexually or musically.

And you know what the biggest

disappointment of all is to me?

I thought all you black men

had rhythm and a big dick!

Boy, was I mistaken!

(SOBBING)

I have rhythm!

You're all set, Ms. Steale.

Courtesy of Mr. Black.

What the heck?

(CAMERAS WHIRRING)

HANNAH:
What is that?

Is that a drone?

All right, just sign here.

Thank you very much.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Ooh, girl, another gift?

Damn, you must be

giving that bomb head!

Wait a minute, is that a

Retina display MacBook Pro?

B*tch, you lickin'

that butthole!

I didn't lick a butthole!

Sh*t, you lucky, girl.

Like, I licked six buttholes last week!

I got a Dell!

Desktop!

I can't take that

sh*t anywhere, girl.

Hey, the mail come already?

HANNAH:
No.

It's just a weird sex contract

Christian wants me to sign.

You sign that, but then you get

that paper, boo, all right?

A b*tch gotta get hers. You

keep licking that bootie, okay?

(HONKING)

- (SCREAMS)

- We're done?

- Wha...

- Yeah, I read your text.

Wow face, sparkly diamond, poop?

Like, what does that even mean?

You got me all f***ed up

with your emojis, like...

Hey, how did you get in here?

Does it matter?

Yes, actually it does matter,

because you don't live here

and you don't have a key.

(SCOFFS) You don't need a key

to get in a hamper, Hannah.

Here, now, help me outta here.

You're lucky I wasn't in

your medicine cabinet,

or your jewelry box.

I tried to hide

in your nightstand,

but you had this Gideon Bible

in there and I couldn't fit.

(PANTING)

Wait a minute, did you break

in through that window?

This one?

Oh, no, that could've

been anybody.

The brick on the ground says

"Property of Christian Black."

"Christian..."

(STAMMERS)

Yeah, yeah, it does.

But, I mean, that could belong

to any black Christian, right?

I mean, okay, shh...

Enough with the interrogation.

Come here.

(GROANS)

(SHUSHING)

(PANPIPES PLAYING)

Do not move,

or I'll be forced to punish you.

(SPITTING)

(GIGGLING SLOWLY)

I said don't move!

Okay.

Ooh!

That feels weird. What is that?

It's so hairy.

(GASPS)

Yeah! Yes!

Wait, wait, wait, don't move.

Don't, don't...

- (GRUNTS)

- (GROANS)

Damn it, that sh*t was cold!

Are you ready, Ms. Steale?

Yes, Christian.

Ooh!

You brought a condom, right?

- A condom?

- Yeah.

Oh... Okay.

Yeah, of course!

Of course I got a condom.

Hold on one second.

God damn it!

Just knowing you care enough

to use protection excites me.

Aha! Old trusty dusty!

(CHUCKLES)

"March, 1982?"

Aw, hell no.

Yeah, I got one

right here! Found it!

Here, let me open it

up so you can hear it.

(MIMICS PLASTIC

WRAPPER TEARING)

(SMACKS LIPS RAPIDLY)

(MIMICS LATEX SNAPPING)

Okay.

I'm just gonna scoot these

little bad boys to the side.

Oh! And then I'm gonna

park this right there.

Oh, my God, it feels so natural.

It's like you're not

wearing anything at all!

It's lambskin foreskin.

(BOTH MOANING)

- Oh! Just relax.

- What?

No, not you. Now I'm

talking to myself.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Okay? Oh... Ready?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

- (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

- (HANNAH SCREAMS)

That was like two strokes!

This nigga's back

here settin' records!

They gonna put me

on a Wheaties box! Oh!

Thank God you're

wearing a condom.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I know, 'cause, boy,

we wouldn't want to

get you pregnant, right?

I know. I'm not even taking any

birth control and I'm ovulating.

Did I tell you that

twins run in my family?

(MOUTHING) Twins?

My sister had sextuplets.

Sextu...

Oh, really? Let me just

get an after-sex mint.

Here, Hannah, here.

Have one of these.

Here you go.

Yeah.

- Ugh! It tastes weird.

- All done?

BOTH:
Ah!

Good girl. Phew!

(CHUCKLES)

Shall we begin, Ms. Steale?

Page one, paragraph one.

This must change!

There's a typo in the header.

That's it?

Mr. Black, I will end this

negotiation right now!

My apologies.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Page four, section 13-20.

With regards to anal fisfing.

- Is there a problem?

- Absolutely not.

(GASPS)

And strike out vaginal fisting.

I mean, if you're gonna do anal,

you're obviously gonna have vaginal

fisting. I mean, it's a given.

Oh, for sure.

I will put that...

I'm putting that

in there in bold.

Next page, sex toys. "Are they

acceptable to the submissive?"

D*ldos, I guess.

Butt plugs, fine.

- F*** yeah!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa...

How did this slip

through the cracks?

What's with the genital clamps?

Sorry, Ms. Steale, I...

I can't seem to

find those in my...

Because you forgot

to put them in there.

(CHUCKLES)

Rookie move, Mr. Black.

Silly me.

(SIGHS)

Let's be clear. I will not

share you with another woman.

- I require at least two or three.

- Five.

- Seven.

- Seven it is.

You're not gonna

shortchange me, Mr. Black.

You drive a hard

bargain, Ms. Steale.

- Thank you.

- You know, Ms. Steale,

I'd like to f*** you into

the middle of next month.

Silly. You couldn't

f*** me

into the middle

of the next minute.

I'll f*** you into

a different galaxy.

You'll be like, "Oh, sh*t,

it's cold in Pluto!"

Yeah, well, I'm gonna f*** you

at the Stephen Hawking exhibit.

And I'm gonna ram

your ass so hard

that I cause a tear in

the time-space continuum.

I'll f*** you

through slavery times,

and you'll get

your freedom papers.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna

rent me a DeLorean

and f*** you back to the future.

I'll f*** you into

a whole 'nother planet,

where that insect

is from Men in Black.

You'll be like, "Oh, sh*t!

How many times you f*** me?"

Three million, 746

hundred million times.

And you'd be like, "Why?"

And I'd be like, "Shut up," and I

hit you with the neuron, like...

(MAKES SHOOTING NOISE)

You'd be like,

"Oh, my God,

why is my vagina so sore?"

And I'd be like, "You fell."

Well played, Mr. Black.

I've done this before.

And he's a major beneficiary

of our university.

Interestingly enough,

he donates all cash.

Usually in ones, fives, twenties,

the odd rolled-up $100 bill that's

got a little bit of powder on it.

Please welcome

Mr. Christian Black.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

What you talkin' 'bout my business, huh?

Don't get cut.

Thank you. Let's talk about

life and your purpose.

You all spent four hard years in

this school getting your diploma,

putting your parents in debt,

for what?

Between global warming and

the world economy crashing,

I don't even know why you're

trying to better yourselves.

Give up hope! Think about it.

You are wasting time.

You. You're a drug addict

waiting to happen.

Look at you. You can't wait to get

outta here and smoke some weed.

And you!

You are a stripper!

Your ass is twerkin'

as I'm sitting here talking.

You can find

the rhythm in anything.

And you, sir.

Well, you're white.

You'll be fine.

So, in closing,

I would like to say,

"Thank God I'm not you."

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