Fifty Shades of Black Page #6

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- Kateesha! Oh, my God, we did it!

- (SQUEALING) Girl!

I'm so proud of you.

Who you telling?

I was close, girl.

I was one hand job away from losing

valedictorian to that b*tch,

Lindsey Hung, right?

- What are you talking...

- Shut up.

I see that b*tch,

she talkin' sh*t.

She gonna need a gynecologist

when I'm done f***ing

that b*tch up! All right!

Girl, I'll see you later.

I'mma go punch

a b*tch in the throat.

Lindsey!

You bilingual b*tch!

- (CRASHING)

- So proud of you.

Hannah!

(SHRIEKS) Dad!

(LAUGHING)

I'm so happy to see you.

Oh! I'm so proud of you.

You know, I thought you'd

turn out not to be sh*t.

But you ended up

looking real good,

being that you

from a drunken whore.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, your mama's over at the rehab.

Twenty-seven times

is the f***ing charm.

- Isn't it?

- Yeah, it's the f***ing charm.

Hey, where are

my other stepdads?

Right over there.

Jonny Quest, B.B. King.

I don't know who that nigga

is with his shirt off.

That must be your birth daddy.

Yeah, it's all good. What a

great bunch of guys. (CHUCKLES)

And you know the old saying,

"It takes a village."

And it's true.

Especially when it comes

to your mom being a gutter slut

and the village is a gangbang.

(LAUGHING)

- The village is a gangbang.

- Hannah!

Hi!

Hey, hey, hey, hold up, player!

Sh*t, how you gonna walk up and

kiss the girl that I raised?

What kind of sh*t is this?

Ron, this is my boyfriend,

Christian Black.

Boyfriend!

Ron, to be honest with you,

I just f***ed her a few times.

"Boyfriend" makes it sound

serious, like I went raw.

I mean, I might've

dipped, but...

Are you thinkin'

about marrying her?

No.

What if she get pregnant?

Still no, but hell no.

I like this fella!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I like this nigga right here.

I fucks with your stepdad.

You know what,

from player to player,

Black, I really like you, man.

- You can f*** anybody you wanna f***.

- Thank you.

Yeah, just don't pass her

around like we did her mama.

- That's all I ask you to do.

- Yes, sir, out of respect.

We passed her mama

around like a baton, man.

Yeah.

You never told me

that about your mother.

Your mother f***ed everybody

in the neighborhood,

and then wanted to settle down

with me, and I went for it.

You know what, I gotta

hang out with you, man,

get your knowledge, man, 'cause

you got a lot of wisdom.

I got a lot of wisdom

and I been through a lot,

and I done been

with a lot of hos

and the smells

that's on my fingers

- over all the years...

- Oh, sh*t! What!

- Still there. Never went away.

- Oh! Damn!

Wow, sir! I smelled every

last single one of them!

Yes, man.

It was like beautiful and

horrible at the same time.

I've stuck my hands in some of

the nastiest b*tches'

pants all over the world.

Really?

- Asia, Malaysia, Congo.

- Hmm.

(SNIFFS)

That's Dubai right there.

Wow, I smell the hair.

Touched a b*tch's booty hole

in Dubai at the airport.

I bet you could probably spit a

lot of game to me, my nigga.

Let's take a picture,

let me get a picture

of me and you.

Make it a selfie.

No, no, baby.

Just me and him.

- Ready? One, two, three. Nigga!

- (SHUTTER CLICKS)

Where are we going?

Congratulations, Hannah.

That's a car.

With a broken window?

Do you like it?

Yeah. It's nice.

You know what I went

through to steal this car?

I mean... (CLEARS THROAT)

The car was a steal.

(SIGHS)

- Did you just roll your eyes at me?

- No.

Listen, there's only

two things I hate,

when you roll your

eyes at me and Craisins.

Like, what is a Craisin? It's not

a cranberry, it's not a raisin.

Like, it doesn't

even make sense.

(SIGHS)

- You just rolled your eyes at me again!

- No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

I have it on tape.

Check this out.

Look at this.

Oh, what's she doing? She's

rolling her eye. Look at that.

- How did you do that?

- Come on, you, with me, now.

But...

Teach you a little lesson about

rolling your eyes. Come on.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Oh.

Now, do you know

why I'm gonna punish you?

Because you're a sicko

who likes abusing women.

While there may be some truth

to that, that's not the reason.

Because I rolled my eyes.

Bingo.

Oh!

This is gonna hurt you a whole lot

more than it's gonna hurt me.

Ha! (SIGHS)

Welcome to my world.

Oh, God! F***!

Ooh, that hurt! Oh!

Did you do it?

(GRUNTING) Ow.

Okay, 15 across,

"winter beverage."

Nothing? You don't feel nothing?

I love knitting.

(INHALING)

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

(GRUNTS)

Are you gonna spank me? All this

build-up is getting boring.

Okay, okay, you wanna play?

Oh, I got something for you.

Excuse me.

Enough of your games. It's about

to get real dark in here.

Sure.

(METAL CLANGS)

Are you gonna find something

that actually works?

Big brother almighty!

Whoo!

(YELLING)

That was my sorority paddle!

Oh!

You know, Hannah,

I didn't wanna have

to do this to you,

but you've been a naughty girl.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Did you break my f***ing stool?

No.

I think I'm pretty good at this.

(PANTING)

Oh...

I don't...

I don't understand.

I f***ing hit you with everything.

I don't get it.

Don't feel bad.

I haven't really felt

anything down there

since I got my butt implants.

I'll just... I'll see you back

at my place tomorrow. Yeah.

When you're in this room,

you do as I say.

- Is that understood?

- Yes.

- Yes, who?

- Yes, sir.

Good girl.

Hands up.

Turn around.

On your knees.

Stay.

(GROANS)

Don't look at me!

Raise your hand.

(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

Did that hurt?

No.

Sometimes the pain

is in your mind.

(WHOOSHING)

- (YELLS)

- God damn it! Motherfuck!

And sometimes the pain

is not in your mind!

(WHOOPING)

Jerk!

CHRISTIAN:
I have a very important

question to ask you, Ms. Steale.

- Where is Bin Laden?

- What?

Where is Bin Laden? When was the

last time you saw Bin Laden?

- Where is he?

- (SPITTING)

(SOBBING) I don't know!

He's been dead for five years!

I don't keep up

on current events!

(HANNAH GROANING)

And now the real torture begins.

- (SCREAMS)

- (CHUCKLES)

Where were we?

(SCREAMING)

(SOBBING) I can't

remember the safe word.

Chapter 23.

- (SCREAMS)

- (SIGHS)

"It was a cold,

gloomy day in Seattle."

Oh, God, this book is 50

shades of f***ing terrible.

(HANNAH SOBBING)

Who wrote this,

a third-grader?

Please go back to

the water-torture thing!

(GIGGLING)

(HANNAH SCREAMING)

- What's the safe word?

- Stop it!

What's your safe word?

I don't know.

Please just... Are you

gonna let me down now?

Yes, Ms. Steale.

If I could just find these keys.

You didn't see the keys... No, I

know where they are. I just...

God, my arms are

really starting to hurt.

- I got an idea.

- (GROANS)

See, most people use a universal

lock key in their sex dungeons

for reasons just like this. Hmm.

But what you got here is

an over-molded swivel key.

All right, that's a custom job.

You're gonna need somebody else

- to take a look at this.

- (CHRISTIAN GROANS)

Yeah, I don't know

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