Fifty Shades of Black Page #7

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what to tell you.

Next time, I'd put one of those

tracker app things on the key

so you don't lose it.

- What are they called?

- Oh, I know the name.

It's on the tip of my tongue.

It starts with a

- Ta...

- Maybe Ten?

Telepathy?

Hey, dipshits,

it's called a Tile.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Tile!

Holy sh*t, you're good!

OFFICER COOPER:

You went to college!

DAN SULLIVAN:
Hell yeah!

JOE MILLS:
Come on!

I've picked a lot

of locks in my day,

but I've never seen

anything like this.

- Man, it's impressive.

- Thank you.

Yeah. I got nothing.

Who's next?

Who's next? What are you

guys, Ocean's Eleven?

How many more fuckups

are you gonna bring in here?

- Stand back!

- HANNAH:
Oh.

On the count of three,

the Great Mysterio

shall command these

shackles unlocked!

One! Do not

divert your gaze.

Two! Illusion!

Three! Mysterio!

- Thank you.

- Um...

Uh...

Yeah, that didn't work. All

the locks are still there.

HANNAH:
Nothing happened!

Oh. I got nothing, guys.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, speaking of disappearing, I have

a bar mitzvah in one hour. Mysterio!

(HANNAH SCREAMS)

- (LAUGHING) Oh, damn!

- Oh, my God.

(THUDDING)

This was not in the contract!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Where we going?

To my parents' house for dinner.

- You look lovely.

- Thank you.

Where'd you learn to dance?

At this little club in Tampa.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Dance!

Yeah!

Ooh, wow.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Ah! F***!

(CHEERING AND

SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMING)

What's that?

(CHEERING)

(CHRISTIAN GRUNTS)

(CHEERING LOUDLY)

- (ALL GASPS)

- (MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, my God,

he's got a baby dick!

(ALL LAUGHING)

It's just the lighting! It's bad lighting!

It's creating shadow!

It's not little!

You're just little people!

Hi.

Oh, you made it.

Hannah! It's so

good to see you.

Hi.

Hannah, this is my dad, Gary.

Are we ever happy

to meet you, Hannah.

- Really?

- Oh, yes.

I was sure that

Christian was gay.

He's well-groomed,

loves Lady Gaga.

Can't take his eyes

off of Anderson Cooper.

What kind of

Republican watches CNN?

Hi! I'm Mai!

It's so nice to meet you!

I can't believe

you're a Republican.

That's his deep, dark secret.

(LAUGHS)

Shall we?

- I can't believe you're a Republican.

- Sorry.

Ah...

Mrs. Black, this

food looks amazing.

CLAIRE:

Oh, thank you, Hannah.

Well, it was important to me

that our adopted children were

exposed to their native cultures.

So, for Eli, I have

prepared Balangu.

It's a spicy goat

dish from Nigeria.

And for Mai, of course,

we have Peking Duck

from the Mandarin

province of China.

I'm Korean!

Don't be fresh, Mai!

There are billions of

starving Chinese children

who need their energy

to make sneakers for Nike,

and they would

kill for this meal.

For Christian, of course, we

have fried chicken and Kool-Aid.

It's a very popular

dish in Detroit, Michigan.

And your favorite,

of course, hot sauce!

Oh, Mom. (CHUCKLES)

So, Hannah, are you interested

in having children?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yes, I would,

if I met the right person.

Oh, you have no idea what joy we

have had from having our kids.

Mai's the one that I

worried about the most.

- (KATEESHA MOANING)

- I mean, she was so sweet.

I mean, it seemed

almost inevitable

that she'd grow up one day

and run off with Gary.

Like that little

director fellow, you know,

the one that married Mia Farrow?

Oh, sweetheart, please stop.

She's our daughter.

She's a hot

little number, though.

CLAIRE:
Hannah, I would

really recommend

adopting underprivileged

children.

Wow, that's really just so

sweet of you, Mrs. Black.

It is a great conversation

starter at charities,

it helps your social standing...

ELI:
Give it to me.

And your vag

doesn't get stretched out

like an elastic band

at Cirque du Soleil.

Okay, Mom.

Mom, please.

CLAIRE:
There was just nothing I

wouldn't do for my children. Hot, hot...

I even learned to

speak Mandarin for Mai.

(CLAIRE SPEAKING MAN DARIN)

That's not even a real language.

KATEESHA:
Hit that bottom!

Hannah, where is

your family from?

Oh...

My mom lives in Georgia.

CLAIRE:
Oh, Atlanta!

Oh, then your mom

must be a stripper.

She actually lives in Savannah,

and she's just a housewife.

- (KATEESHA MOANING)

- Sure she is, dear.

I'm gonna go and visit her,

actually, in a few days.

CLAIRE:
Drinks anyone?

Drinkies?

- I'll have two.

- I'd love to, Mom,

but I promised Hannah

I'd show her the estate.

KATEESHA:
Home stretch! Yes!

Excuse us, please.

ELI:
It's grocery time.

(KATEESHA SCREAMS)

- It's like I'm on air right now!

- (ELI BLOWS RASPBERRIES)

How come you didn't

tell me about her?

Who, my mom?

My God, she has a nickname?

Do you love her?

Of course, she's my mother.

God, how long has

this been going on?

Since birth.

Oh, come on, I can't

compete with that!

Hey, you don't have

to compete with it!

You're my boyfriend,

she's my mom.

They're two totally

different relationships!

No, they're not! Okay,

Hannah, you're mine, okay?

There's no mother, no brother, no

cousins, no second cousin removed,

no friends that you call cousin

'cause your parents are close!

- There's none of that.

- No play cousins?

No play cousins.

Christian, what do you want?

I want Kevin Hart not

to be in every movie!

Why? He's hilarious.

Come on, there's

other black actors!

- How about them?

- Like who?

It could've been

Sam Jackson in Ride Along.

Who knows what kind of crazy wig

he would have been wearing?

I thought you wanted me!

What do you want, love letters?

- Hickies? Edible Arrangements?

- Mmm.

You know, that's not even real flowers.

It's f***ing fruit.

Yeah, but it's delicious.

And it's a start, okay?

And maybe we could advance to

a Tiffany's engagement ring,

and a wedding where we invite

500 of our closest friends,

and then we have seven kids,

and we live in a big house...

Whoa. You had this whole

thing planned out, huh?

You know, is it me or

is it hot in here? Sh*t.

You want me to be

somebody that I'm not.

No, no, it's not me

that's changing you.

It's you that's changing me!

Wait a minute.

That's a line

from the movie Radio.

No, it's not.

Yeah, yeah, the movie

with Cuba Gooding, Jr.,

where he played this

mentally disabled athlete.

"It's not us

that's teaching Radio,

"it's Radio

that's teaching us."

Nah, mine is way different.

It's the same premise.

You complete me?

Jerry Maguire, also

starring Cuba Gooding, Jr.

I don't understand

your whole fixation on him.

You know, all this time I thought

I wasn't in the right place,

but I was!

HANNAH:
That's Snow Dogs.

God damn it!

I gotta stop binging on Netflix.

Hannah!

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

That song sounds so sad.

Not as sad as Luther Vandross'

Dance With My Father.

Oh, God, that song tears me up.

Every time I hear it, I just

wanna go, "Where's my daddy?"

Christian, we have to talk.

You mean like white people?

What's wrong with that?

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