Fifty Shades of Black Page #8

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Well, they just

talk a lot, you know?

They do it differently

than black people do it.

White people don't like to

argue, they like to discuss.

Then they start throwing

around all these big SAT words

and putting a lot of emotional

guilt on each other.

It's just too much to deal with.

I like it the black way, you know,

where we curse each other out,

we may fight, and then

we get cool again,

but we talk about each other

behind each other's back, like,

"Oh, nah, I ain't

f***ing with that b*tch."

But what you not gonna do...

- But what you not gonna do...

- You not gonna do...

- You not about to "not" me!

- Uh-uh...

Don't let me get

to clappin', boo.

Oh, hell no.

See, that's...

That's communication.

I feel better already.

(BOTH CHUCKLES)

- Christian.

- Hey!

(SIGHS)

You're not upset

because I haven't signed

the contract yet, are you?

I mean, it's not even legally enforceable.

You know that, right?

What's important

here are the rules.

And if you break them,

you should be punished.

How are you gonna punish me?

First off, you'll get grounded.

I'll make you stand in

the corner for an hour.

And then I will

send you to your room

without no supper, young lady.

Christian, this is crazy.

Why do you need to punish me?

Because I'm 51

shades of f***ed up!

You know I'm five-four

seconds from wildin'.

I got three fillets for fryin'.

I got 99 problems,

but now a b*tch is one!

That's 100 problems, Hannah!

(SIGHS)

I can only deal with so much.

99's fine.

A hundred jus... I can't

even count that far.

Okay.

Then you show me the worst.

I wanna see how bad it can get.

No more of this

p*ssy-ass punishment

you've been doling out thus far.

I wanna go all the way.

Is that something that

you think you can do?

(MOUTHING)

Thank you.

Yes.

Bend over.

Hmm.

Mmm-mmm.

Hmm.

Aha.

Nothin' says ass-whuppin'

like good ol' Joe Jackson.

(WHIP CRACKS)

Hannah.

I'm gonna spank you six times.

I need you to count with me.

- (GRUNTS)

- (HANNAH GROANS)

God damn it, motherf***er!

I said count with me!

(GRUNTS)

- One! Two!

- (WHIP CRACKING)

Jesus! It hurts so bad I can't

keep count! Where were we?

I don't know!

(EXHALES)

God damn it, Hannah!

I don't know how to count, okay?

My crackhead mother

never taught me.

How about this?

Let's try in Spanish.

- Spanish?

- Si.

(CHRISTIAN YELLING)

(WHIMPERING) Tres. Cuatro.

I'm not too sure, but I think

cinco comes after tres.

Are you kidding me?

Cuatro comes after tres.

Well, don't get mad at me.

I don't know Spanish.

Look, my crackhead

mother never taught me

how to count or

how to speak Spanish.

- Now we gotta start from scratch!

- No!

(YELLING)

Whoo!

(SIGHS)

I am tired. Oh, God,

that is exhausting.

Oh, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.

Oh. Come on, let's get you up.

(GROANS)

Don't touch me!

Hey!

Does it make you

happy to see me like this?

I mean, not really.

You look like a sad Gollum.

Like you's all bent over, and you're

crying. You look a little crazy.

Come on, don't hate me.

Hate you?

I loathe you.

Whoa. That's a thesaurus

word right there.

I hate you the way

black people hate cops.

Wow.

I hate you the way

Republicans hate ObamaCare!

Baby, come on now.

(SOBBING) I hate you the way

Kanye West hates everybody else!

Well, I'm kind of

with him on Taylor Swift.

What is that

b*tch singing about?

You will never do

that to me again.

You said it was cool.

I know niggas, grimy niggas

who do not value themselves,

and they will have no

problem coming down here

to f*** your little ass up!

- Whoa. Slow it up now.

- Just one "Cuckoo!"

And they will swoop down on you

like pigeons on

old garlic bread!

You can't be cuckooin'

on this mo'f***!

(MIMICKING PIGEONS)

You gotta calm them niggas down.

You know what?

Let's try something else.

Aw, this is cute.

I get it, a little role-play.

It's cute.

Handcuffs. All right.

You thought you were gonna

do this sh*t to me?

You messed with the wrong b*tch.

You sound angry.

This is for Kerry Washington

from De-jango Unchained!

(SCREAMS) It's f***ing...

That is Django! The "D" is silent!

This is for Lupita Nyong'o

in 12 Years a Slave!

(SCREAMING)

God damn it!

It stings so bad!

All she wanted was some soap!

Even the antibacterial soap!

This is for Denzel Washington.

Wait, he's not even a woman.

You're just getting crazy.

But they made him cry in Glory.

(SCREAMS)

Who makes Denzel

Washington cry? Nobody!

You talkin' 'bout like this?

See, look, I have a Glory tear.

If it wasn't for

Denzel Washington,

Flight would've been

a f***ing Soul Plane!

(SCREAMS) Sh*t!

Why the f*** did they

make Soul Plane anyway?

And this is for the little white

girl in Fifty Shades of Grey!

Johnson.

Dakota Johnson.

She had to be naked

the whole f***ing movie!

That sh*t was just gratuitous!

(SCREAMING)

Whoo! Ah!

It burns! It burns! It feels

like someone lit a...

My ass on fire!

Oh, God, it hurts!

(WHIMPERING) We done?

Oh, no, nigga.

No, we not finished yet!

We not finished

with you yet, nigga!

What? Where you

goin' with this?

I'm about to get

medieval on your ass.

Welcome to my world,

motherf***er.

(SCREAMS)

(SOBBING) Oh, God!

(CRYING)

Oh, God!

This hurts so much.

I Wish I'd died.

Don't touch it!

Don't touch it!

Oh, it's tickling.

Christian, I thought

you'd like it.

What's there to like!

What kind of sick pervert beats

you for their own enjoyment?

Christian, you don't

want somebody like me.

You're exactly what I want.

A broke college graduate

with a liberal arts degree

and no future prospects.

It's exactly what I want.

Christian, I've fallen head

over heels in love with you.

Uh... Whoa!

Slow it up. That is

not in the contract.

Like, it specifically

says, and I quote,

"B*tch don't love a nigga."

Okay? And I

double-bolded that.

I knew I should have had

you sign this contract.

Christian, I think

it'd be best if you leave.

Get out!

Fine, you want me to leave? You want

me to leave? Fine, I will leave!

Okay? Wait, time-out.

Um...

I live here.

Shouldn't you be the one leaving?

Am I wrong?

Take an umbrella

'cause... (CHUCKLES)

B*tch, it's raining.

I need my car back.

I already sold

that piece of sh*t.

I'll send you a check for $37.

That is way below Blue Book!

(SCOFFS)

(SIGHS)

Hannah!

Christian, you have

to let me go.

Please, listen to me!

- No, you listen to me.

- (ELEVATOR DINGS)

You'll find someone. Somebody

who wants to be open

to all the demeaning things

that you wanna do to them.

Hannah!

Christian.

Ooh.

- Ah!

- (ELEVATOR ALARM BLARING)

God!

- (SIGHS)

- (GROANS)

(HANNAH BAWLING)

How is he gonna love you?

He doesn't even love himself.

Did you see his haircut, girl?

How could you think

this was gonna end well?

(EXHALES) Never look back.

(CHRISTIAN WHEEZING)

Christian.

Hannah.

While running down

47 flights of stairs,

I had plenty of time to think.

And when I passed

out on the 23rd floor,

I realized I owed

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