Fight Club Page #7

VOICE:

There are three ways to make napalm.

One, mix equal parts of gasoline and

frozen orange juice...

Jack turns to see TYLER. Without turned to Jack, Tyler

continues:

TYLER:

Two, equal parts gasoline and diet

cola. Three, dissolve kitty-litter

in gasoline until the mixture is

thick.

JACK:

Pardon me?

Tyler turns to Jack.

JACK (V.O.)

This is how I met --

TYLER:

Tyler Durden.

Tyler offers his hand. Jack takes it.

TYLER:

You know why they have oxygen masks

on planes?

JACK:

No, supply oxygen?

TYLER:

Oxygen gets you high. In a

catastrophic emergency, we're taking

giant, panicked breaths...

Tyler grabs a safety instruction CARD from the seatback,

hands it to Jack.

TYLER:

Suddenly, we become euphoic and

docile. We accept our fate.

Tyler points to passive faces on the drawn figures.

TYLER:

Emergency water landing, 600 miles

per hour. Blank faces -- calm as

Hindu cows.

Jack laughs.

JACK:

What do you do, Tyler?

TYLER:

What do you want me to do?

JACK:

I mean -- for a living.

TYLER:

Why? So you can say, "Oh, that's

what you do." -- And be a smug little

sh*t about it?

Jack laughs. Tyler reaches under the seat in front of him

and lifts a BRIEFCASE.

TYLER:

You have a kind of sick desperation

in your laugh.

Jack points to his own briefcase.

JACK:

We have the same briefcase.

Tyler turns the top of his briefcase toward Jack.

TYLER:

Open it.

Jack looks at Tyler, then pops the latches and raises the

lid to reveal quaintly-wrapped bars of SOAP.

TYLER:

Soap -- the yardstick of civilization.

(reaches in his pocket)

I make and sell soap...

Tyler hands Jack his card. "THE PAPER STREET SOAP COMPANY."

TYLER:

If you were to add nitric acid to the

soap-making process, one would get

nitroglycerin. With enough soap, one

could blow up the world, if one were

so inclined.

Tyler SNAPS the briefcase shut. Jack stares.

JACK:

Tyler, you are by far the most

interesting "single-serving" friend

I've ever met.

Tyler stares back. Jack, enjoying his own chance to be

witty, leans closer to Tyler.

JACK:

You see, when you travel, everything

is small, self-contained--

TYLER:

The spork. I get it. You're very

clever.

JACK:

Thank you.

TYLER:

How's that working out for you?

JACK:

What?

TYLER:

Being clever.

JACK:

(thrown)

Well, uh... great.

TYLER:

Keep it up, then. Keep it right up.

Tyler stands, looks towards the aisle.

TYLER:

... As I squeeze past, do I give you

the ass or the crotch?

Tyler moves to the aisle, his ass toward jack, walks away...

TYLER:

We are defined by the choices we make.

Tyler goes to the curtain dividing First Class, slaps the

curtain aside and sits in an empty seat. Jack watches.

JACK (V.O.)

How I came to live with Tyler is:

airlines have this policy about

vibrating luggage.

INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - NIGHT

Utterly empty of baggage. No people except for Jack and a

SECURITY TASK FORCE MAN. The Security TFM, smirking, holds

a receiver to his ear from an official phone on the wall.

SECURITY TFM:

(to Jack)

Throwers don't worry about ticking.

Modern bombs don't tick.

JACK:

Excuse me? "Throwers?"

SECURITY TFM:

Baggage handlers. But when a

suitcase vibrates, the throwers have

to call the police.

JACK:

My suitcase was vibrating?

SECURITY TFM:

Nine time out of ten, it's an

electric razor. But, every once in

a while ...

(whispers)

...it's a dildo. It's airline policy

not to imply ownership in the event

of a dildo. We use the indefinite

aricle:
"A dildo." Never "Your

dildo."

Jack sees, through the window, Tyler, at the curb, throwing

his briefcase into the back of a shiny, red CONVERTIBLE.

Tyler leaps over the door into the driver's seat and PEELS

OUT. jack turns away, looks at the Security TFM.

In the background, a HARRIED MAN dashes after Tyler and the

convertible, SCREAMING.

JACK:

(to Security TFM)

I had everything in that bag. My

C.K. shirts... my D.K.N.Y. shoes...

SECURITY TFM:

(into phone)

Yeah, uh huh... yeah?

(pause, still on phone)

Oh...

EXT. EMPTY RUNWAY

A lone SUITCASE sits on the concrete. SECURITY PERSONNEL

keep their distance. KABOOM! The suitcase explodes.

INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - RESUMING

The Security TFM, shakes his head, hangs up.

SECURITY TFM:

I'm terribly sorry.

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