Filth Page #6

You know, but I just thought it was a good

idea to get some practice with the...

you know, with the

selection procedures.

- What do you think?

- Cannot do you any harm, pal.

You're right. It can't do any harm,

you know, flying up a kite,

just so they know

who Ray f***ing Lennox is, eh?

You need to watch some sly bastards.

- What do you mean?

- I'm just saying

that you need to watch

some sly bastards.

Like who? Who?

Gus.

- Gus Bain?

- Aye.

I mean, he's always been all right

with me, man, you know.

He's been taking quite an interest

in the extracurricular activities

of a certain Ray Lennox.

Just watch what you say

about Bonnie Prince Charlie here

when Gus Bain is around.

Do you understand me?

You know, I would never say anything

about the chang to anybody, you know?

But I will definitely

watch what I f***ing say

around that sly old

f***ing grasser now, eh?

You cannot f***ing trust

anybody any more, can you?

I must look divine, especially in

the middle of this bunch of freaks.

They all fancy Carole Robertson, see?

Well, you can look,

but you can't touch.

There's only one person

that can have me.

Although, if he really wants me,

he'll have to get that promotion.

Time waits for no man.

Yeah?

What have you got, darling?

What do you think? Is it nice?

Oh, it's quite nice.

That's it.

Hello, darling.

Wave to the camera, darling.

I'm not too sure about

this one, Bruce.

- Hello?

- I bet...

You've been thinking about me a lot,

haven't you, Bunty?

I haven't stopped thinking about you.

I bet they told you

to ignore me, though.

- Didn't they?

- Oh yes, they f***ing did.

But...

This is...

so much more fun, Frank.

Would you...

What?

Would you

like to see my cock,

Bunty?

I'd like to do more than that, Frank.

I'd like to

put your cock in my f***ing mouth.

That's what I would like to do.

And then I would like you

to put your cock

inside of my f***ing beautiful body.

That's what I would like, Frank,

and for you to go as fast as you can.

F***ing go as fast

as you can, Frank!

F*** me. F*** me!

- Yeah!

- That's what I'd like, Frank.

How's the lovely

Carole at Christmas?

A lovely Christmas carol.

Yes?

Eh? Eh?

Eh?

Bigger pain, bigger jar.

Bigger pills, Bruce, yes?

Yeah!

F*** you, Carole Robertson!

F*** you, Carole Robertson!

Turn off my gas, Bruce!

F*** you, Dougie Gillman!

Repressed people.

You have to pity them

more than anything else.

I was like that before I met Bruce.

But he brought me out of myself.

That's what our sex club was about.

Bruce knows that

our wee games and flirtations

only serve to strengthen our love by

making it confront its true nature.

I'm a better person now.

A different person.

The f***ing b*tch has left me.

Christmas f***ing Day

and the b*tch leaves me.

- Merry Christmas, Robbo!

- Aye, same to you, Gus. Same to you.

So what's your plans, then?

Ah, just the usual family

shite and all that.

Me, too.

F***!

Are you all right, Bruce?

Oh, aye.

- Are you all right, Robbo?

- Aye.

- Happy Christmas, sir.

- Don't you "Happy Christmas" me.

- Come again?

- Look at the state you're in, Bruce.

You're a disgrace to the force.

This murder case is still hanging over us

and you haven't even managed to find

the Blades' phantom phone-caller.

I am quickly becoming

the laughing-stock of the Lodge.

And you are about to lose any chance

you ever had of this promotion.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I know who the pervert is, sir.

Aye...

It's Clifford Blades.

It's Clifford Blades himself, sir.

I'll get you proof.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Davie.

Davie, it wasn't my fault.

It wasn't my...

Your message sounded urgent,

so I came straight over.

I wanted to drop your

present off anyway

because I'm going to England

to see my parents.

Mother's not very well.

Bunty's not best pleased

about me going.

This creep just won't

stop phoning her.

I... I never got you anything.

Doesn't matter.

It's good to see you, pal.

Good to see somebody.

Good to see you.

You want a wee whisky? Cheer you up.

- No, best not. I'm driving.

- You'll f***ing sit down, man!

You'll stay over here tonight

and you'll go tomorrow, OK?

OK.

- Won't your wife mind?

- She's at her mum's. Her mum's in Aviemore.

Old bird's on her last

legs with heart disease.

I'm sorry to hear that.

No, don't f***ing worry about it.

Stupid slag brought it on herself.

See, the amount of chocolate, booze and

fags she consumes, it is f***ing criminal.

- What about your daughter?

- Christ, that's enough of the family pish!

Now...

I've got a cheeky wee

single malt here for you.

Only for the developed

palate, 49 years aged.

Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas

and all that shite.

Well, I suppose one between friends

couldn't hurt.

Aye.

- Happy Christmas.

- Is it?

How are you getting on

with that whisky then, Bladesey?

Feel a bit tipsy, Bruce.

Hello

and welcome to the Fantastic...

Manchester! Manchester!

- You do it, man.

- No.

- Come on, give it a try.

- No, really, Bruce.

- Come on, it's Christmas.

- It's not in my nature.

Come on, don't be such

a f***ing spoilsport.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Frank Sidebottom.

I'm Frank Sidebottom.

My name is Frank Sidebottom.

This is a lovely surprise.

I was just checking up on my best

mate's missus while he was away,

seeing she was safe and secure

and all that, you know?

I don't know why you bother with him.

He's weak.

Not like you.

No, no, no, he's...

He's one of the best, I say.

That's what I say. He's one of the best.

Oh, I wish I had a friend

who was as loyal as you.

You must see some terrible things

in your line of work.

Aye, I do. I really do, you know?

But you just...

You just deal with it.

Like you do, Bunty,

with this prank phone-caller.

You don't seem to let

it get to you, do you?

Well, that's what I try to make him

think. But, you know, it hurts terribly.

Uh-huh.

I just wish Clifford could

be as strong as you.

F***.

F***! Wait a minute.

This is wrong. Cliff's all right.

This is... This is really wrong.

No, no, no!

No, it's... It's... It's OK.

This is so right.

No, no!

- What's wrong?

- It's just the...

- Just what?

- It's just...

I think Cliff might be

your phantom phone-caller.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Frank Sidebottom.

It's Frank Sidebottom.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Frank Sidebottom.

It's Frank Sidebottom.

Oh, my God!

Ah, Bruce eh?

F***.

Or would you like me to call you by

your little brother's name, Davie, yes?

- What?

- Baby brothers, Bruce.

Such a nuisance.

But you were supposed to look out

for little brother Davie, yes?

No, no, I wasn't.

It was your idea to steal

the coal, though, yes?

No, that was Davie's idea.

The added incentive

of trying to please your father.

"Let's climb the coal

mountain," you said.

That's it. Just little boys

playing games, Doctor.

The games, Bruce. The games.

The same rules apply, though.

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