Final Exam

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1

(music)

Hey... hey. Come here.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Come back over here.

No.

W not?

Just because.

I don't have to have a reason.

Maybe I want to sit and

watch the ducks more.

(laughs) Hey, ducks

don't swim at night.

They're headlights

short circuit in the water.

Come on.

Give me a kiss.

Not here.

All right.

All of a sudden the car's

not good enough anymore.

- Is that it?

- No!

Well, look.

I can't afford another motel room.

We spent all my money.

On beer.

You were happy enough

to drink your share.

I just don't like it here.

I don't feel right.

Could we at least put the top up?

Do I ever deny you anything?

Can't we go somewhere else?

Somewhere more private?

Why?

The campus cops know

not to bother any car

with a school sticker on it.

I mean, they'd rather have

us parking on campus

than on some deserted road.

I love you.

Do you love me?

Do you love me?

Hey, I'm out with you, aren't I?

Yeah, but you've been

out with lots of girls,

and you didn't love all of them.

Well that was different.

Yeah, but do you love me?

Of course, I do.

Shhh.

What was that?

I heard something?

Yeah, it was me

breathing in your ear.

No, really, I heard something.

So what.

It was the ducks.

Sometimes they like to come up

and terrorize the people parking.

You're obnoxious.

There's not another girl on earth

who would put up with your garbage.

Give me another kiss.

( chuckles )

(gasps ) Did you feel that?

The car moved.

Someone's out there.

Yeah, it's probably some

of the guys on the team.

Just jealous of their quarterback.

Always some wise guy around here.

Just ignore them.

Let 'em find their own girl.

All right!

Cut it out!

Leave us alone!

Can't we go someplace else, please?

No. I'm not gonna be scared off

by a bunch of frustrated jocks!

I tell you what I will do.

I'll get out and beat

some manners into them!

No! No! Don't do that.

It won't solve anything.

Take me someplace else,

and I'll make it up to you.

I'll make you glad you did.

What's that?

( Screams )

All right, that's it!

What the hell?

We're out of here'.!

(screaming)

Oh!

(screaming continues)

(music)

( bell ringing )

I meant to study for this exam.

I really was gonna read

the last two chapters,

but that boy from Old Dominion

he is so sexy!

I know what you mean.

Gary was going to help

me study last night.

We got to talking and then we

finally got a little side tracked.

And then the first thing

you know it's morning!

I didn't have anything to wear,

so I had to borrow

this from Kathy.

I hate history anyway!

It's so boring!

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

- You ready for this?

- I guess. Are you?

Oh, hardly.

I only know about half of it,

and that's the easy half.

I mean, what do I have to

take chemistry for anyway?

- I'm going into advertising.

- Yeah, I know.

Well, that is a

problem with education.

They do keep trying to

teach you all that stuff.

Yeah, like chemistry.

I hate chemistry.

I mean, chemistry hates me.

It's that simple.

Come on.

It's really not that bad.

It's easy for you to say, but I have

to make an 82 on this exam

to pass the course.

And if I don't pass the course,

my parents stop making

the payments on my car.

I mean, this is serious.

An 82 or else I have to walk.

This is war.

Well, you can't just give up.

You have to try to...

Oh, just stop before you tell me

that quitters never win.

I do not want to hear that

because I'm a winner.

- Not to worry.

- Hey, guys. Wait up!

Did you hear what

happened at March College?

- Hi, Radish.

- Hi.

No.

What happened at March College?

Another football recruiting scandal?

No. Better.

A mass murderer.

Two kids were snuffed

while parking at the lake.

- Oh, how horrible.

- I know.

- That's awful!

- You call that a mass murderer?

Two lousy people?

I call that a piker.

Well, it's a small school.

You have to enter

that into the equation.

And it was particularly brutal,

a real spectacle

at least on a local scale.

Sure, it's nothing in a big city,

but in a rural area,

you have to take what you can get.

You two are so morbid.

Oh, you're beyond that.

And to top it all off, the guy

was their first string quarterback.

- You know, I think that we...

- Now you're talking.

You know, we might be

able to take 'em this year.

Yeah.

Remember me telling you about those

students that got it up in Vermont?

- I don't want to...

- This could be the same guy.

Oh, gag.

Oh, come on.

Let's change the subject to

something a little less drastic.

Well, like the test.

Personally, I'd like to talk

about something cheery

like homicidal maniacs,

anything but chemistry.

You're kidding?

This is real crypt stuff.

Chemistry for morons.

No offense.

(laughing)

Speaking of morons...

Don't be late, "braino".

(music)

Please take a seat

in every other row.

Leave an empty desk between you.

I don't want anyone

sharing your answers with you.

I get enough long answers without

a lot of unnecessary duplication.

What do you care?

You don't even grade

'em yourself anyway?

It's a moral responsibility

I have for you, my friend.

After the examination, I'll

explain the term morality to you.

(laughing)

Never mind.

(bell ringing)

Oh, I'd love to go

on talking like this,

but I must warn you.

Your quiz isn't getting any shorter,

and your examination period is.

Then let us at it.

I should remind you you're

on the modified honor system.

I'll be leaving the room,

and the grading assistants

will be watching you.

And they are both frustrated Nazis.

And if they observe any cheating,

they have been instructed to alert

a highly skilled sniper that I've

placed in the Williams Tower.

He was a gun bearer for the

eagle scout down in Texas.

You mean Charles Whitman,

one of my favorites.

And he's anxious to bag

a few students on his own.

Are there any questions?

He was a real craftsman,

an excellent shot.

And he played it out

to the bitter end.

This guy was dropping

people from blocks...

I hate to interrupt you

on such a lovely note.

But back to business.

Hey!

This ain't the test I been studying.

(laughing)

Well, if you're

gonna buy tests,

you might as well buy them

from somebody who's in the know.

I'm perfectly willing to be

bought if the price is right.

Good luck.

Oh, and don't worry.

I took the test,

and I only missed three.

(laughing)

Have a nice holiday.

And I'll be seeing many of you

back here next semester

in remedial chemistry.

(laughing)

All right. Everybody settle

down and get to work.

I think you've got enough problems

there in front of you without having

to worry about running out of time.

When you finish,

give your paper to one of us

and then you may leave quietly.

- Hello, Lisa.

- Hi.

- Ready to end the semester'?

- Yeah.

I've just about OD'd

on the small town lark.

I'm really ready for

bright lights for awhile.

I remember when I wanted that too.

A little booze, boogie

and then puke your guts out.

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