Final Exam Page #2

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That's fun.

I'm not so sure

you're too much beyond that now.

Well, that's the nicest thing

anyone said to me in a long time.

Those kids they

hate taking chemistry.

At least it's new to them.

For me, it's the same old

thing year in, year out.

And then if I do get them to

understand and they graduate,

then I have to start all over again.

Then why don't ya leave?

Because I love the sweet young

girls that throw themselves at me.

(laughing)

Why pull down the shades?

There's nobody left on

campus that we're fooling.

You don't think

I'll kiss and tell, do you?

No.

But I do.

I don't care who knows around here.

But if that red-headed

wife of mine ever finds out,

I'm dead.

So, how about a

little night cap tonight?

Oh, I don't know.

It's your last chance for

some nice firm flesh for awhile.

I leave in the

morning for the big city,

and you're gonna be left with nothing

but that sagging old wife of yours.

She must be almost 30 by now?

Hey, wait a minute.

You're talking about

the woman that I...

( laughs)

Well, mother of my guppies?

Uh-huh, and you love it.

So, it's tonight or who

knows when, hot shot.

How about here and now?

Uh-uh. Sorry.

This is final examination week.

Pop quizzes just won't do.

Tonight, meet me in

my rehearsal room.

And we'll go

upstairs to the art studio.

Art in the dark can be very tactile.

Yeah, I like it.

Studying form and texture.

( Class ) oh!

I can't help it.

I'm brilliant.

( Burps)

And I can't help

it because I'm offensive.

I got better things to do.

I'd like an A, please.

(sinister music)

Oh!

Coach!

You weren't ready, Wildman.

One of these days you

are gonna get yours.

Uh-uh.

You see, I'll be ready.

That's why I'm the teacher,

and you're just a student.

- Hi, Coach.

- Hey, Radish.

When you gonna do your

equipment inventory?

You know we've got a lot of

our good stuff checked out

that didn't come back in yet.

Well, I was planning...

Well, ya see, we don't get much

in the way of athletes around here.

And I got to take a

little pride in somethin'.

You don't think some of

the guys are sneaking off

to try and get in shape, do ya?

They're not stealing the weights,

running the tracks at night

like they could be.

But now if everybody did that,

see I wouldn't have no job.

Wouldn't be nobody around

here for me to holler at.

Oh, look Coach. I got to go.

I'll talk to ya later.

I'll get on that inventory,

Coach, right away.

I got one more exam,

but it's under control.

See ya later.

Hi, guys.

Hey, you two look like

you're never coming back.

Well, it really

depends on our grades.

You never know.

- Have a good break.

- Yeah, y'all too.

- Yeah. You too.

- Bye bye.

(gunshots and screaming)

Oh my God!

Look out!

(screaming)

I can't believe it!

( Gunshots and screaming

continue )

What in the world

is going on out there?

(gunshots)

(screaming)

Lisa! Look!

Operator!

This is an emergency!

Get me the Sheriff!

This is Lanier College calling.

There's been a multiple

shooting on the campus quadrangle!

Listen!

Several students have been shot

and kidnapped in a brown van!

You've got to get out here!

It's happening!

The psychopaths are here!

( Cheering )

Did you see that?

It was horrible!

They shot at us!

It was murder!

Cold-blooded murder and kidnapping!

I almost got killed and

some other people were shot!

How can you be laughing?

Didn't you see what happened?

Yes, I saw it!

But I also saw that the van had

a Gamma fraternity sticker

on the back window!

Oh.

All right! All right!

The Alpha Gamma strikes again!

( Cheering )

What are Gammas?

What are Gammas?

Boy, they sure did fool me.

I should've known it

was a fraternity prank.

Well, I wouldn't have known

either until I saw Wildman's van.

It wasn't very smart.

Neither is Wildman.

( laughing )

I don't know what

looks the least dangerous today.

Me either.

You know, I've never seen

this place so empty before.

I wonder if everybody else

knows something that we don't.

Yeah, they know better then

to have exams on the last day.

( Chuckles )

Everybody's gone home.

I can't wait!

One lousy recital, and I'm off, too.

Can't wait to see some new faces.

Eat in a real restaurant.

Hear some live music.

You want to sit here?

Sure.

Uh-oh.

Look who's coming.

Hello, gorgeous.

I think this one's for you.

Say, did you girls go

to the shooting today?

Very funny.

Were you responsible for

that little display outside?

You're the leader

of all that rabble.

Not me.

I was at the

chemistry test, remember?

Uh-huh.

- The perfect alibi.

- Oh.

Say, by the way, when are we

going on that midnight ride?

(laughing)

Well, hey big boy.

How about never?

(laughing)

Well, everyone likes

to ride in my car,

but what's the matter with you?

- Not a thing.

- Well, hi Janet.

For me, it's not my

first time in a fast car.

I can't believe y'all

did that this afternoon.

No wonder the Gamma House

is always on probation.

Hello, pledge.

Hello, sir.

You know, I've been looking for you.

There's some special duties

that need to be assigned.

I'm really up against the

wall tomorrow at psych exam.

We can do it later, can't we?

Are you refusing the

small request of a brother?

No, sir.

Did I hear you right, pledge?

Let's step outside.

He probably needs his

car waxed. ( laughs )

Well, I hope they don't bother Gary.

He's very sensitive.

When are you going to realize you

don't have to fall in love with

somebody just to get a kiss?

So, the prank went really well, huh?

Sure, yeah.

I mean it worked out

really well, I didn't it?

Absolutely.

Right on schedule.

You know, it was a great idea, sir.

Not only a great idea.

It was a great diversion,

and I made my 82.

Great diversion.

You know something?

I've got another great idea.

You might be ready

for the big league.

Initiation?

No, well...

Well, I'm proud

to be a Gamma pledge, sir.

I mean, we're the best on campus.

That's what I like to hear.

Look, each semester, one pledge is

chosen to perform the solemn duty.

Yeah?

And this semester,

you've been chosen, pledge.

- That's good, isn't it?

- Is it good? It's excellent!

Look, I want you to break into

Dr. Mahern's office

and steal tomorrow's test for me.

You've got to be kidding me, right?

- No.

- I mean, I'm not crazy, sir.

I could get kicked out

of school for doing that.

We all do it, pledge.

We've done it.

But this time, it's your turn.

I can't do that, sir.

Hey, Gammas!

( laughs)

That was great!

What a stunt!

(mimicking gunfire)

Yeah! We were great!

Weren't we?

Wildman.

We've got a little problem.

This pledge doesn't want

to steal the exam for us.

Oh!

Does he want his

brothers to have to study?

- It's not that, Wildman.

- Pledge, pledge.

I want that test by 9:00 tonight.

All you have to do is

jump over the door,

and you're out in 30 seconds.

I don't know if it's

gonna be that easy.

Oh pledge!

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