Finding Amanda Page #4

- What are you doing tonight?

- I'm not doing nothing.

Or nobody.

Oh, well, we're gonna have

to change that now, won't we?

Ooh wee!

Ah!

So, where are you from,

cowboy?

I'm from Burbank,

Californ-ay-a!

They got real cowboys

in Burbank.

Do they really?

Well, I got my boots on!

This is a nice car.

Thank you.

I just got it.

Isn't that

the best smell?

It's the best smell. I mean,

it probably causes cancer,

but all

the good stuff does.

Yep. Cigarettes, asbestos,

high-tension power lines.

Soon there'll be nothing

left to enjoy.

So, where do you

want to talk?

Oh, I know a place.

I just have to go home

and change first.

And you have to see

my house. Oh, my gosh,

my gorgeous,

fabulous house.

I love it so much.

Greg? Baby?

Hello?

Where should

I put these?

Oh, just over here

by the door.

Trying to keep

the carpet nice.

Come on in.

Isn't it perfect?

Everything in here

is just perfection.

Well, except for

that lamp

because it looks perfect,

but it's a little high

and the wall's

a little low.

And so, 'cause the lamp

is high, it doesn't really--

do you know what I mean?

Anyway, I'm gonna take it back in

the next couple weeks anyway, so--

Okay, I'm gonna go pee.

You stay here, make yourself cozy.

Be right back.

Don't tell me to shut up.

Why do you have to be so mean?

Who are you?

I came with Amanda.

She's in the bathroom.

- Better not be a f***in' john.

No, I'm her Uncle.

- Hi.

- Get out.

I am going.

You are such an a**hole.

Just go.

Call me.

- You're the television guy?

- Guilty.

- Amanda!

- Oh, hi, baby.

I'll be right out.

Oh, you guys, I have

a really great idea.

I'll be two seconds.

You can tell Amanda

about the girl if you want.

It's no big deal.

Oh, no, I'm not

planning on--

You can if you want to.

No big secret.

- It's none of my business.

- She knows about the other chicks.

Is there more than one?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Just the way it has to be.

I don't follow that.

Amanda's out banging all these

strange guys all the time.

I gotta deal with that,

you know?

So I bang other chicks.

It keeps it equal.

Keep the playing field flat,

you know?

- Flat.

- I see.

Yeah.

Don't say anything

about the girl.

- I thought you just said--

- Just keep your f***ing mouth shut.

- Hi, baby.

- Hi, baby.

Hi.

Mmm, I missed you.

- Hi.

- Okay, that's enough.

Look at my big man.

Isn't he gorgeous?

So gorgeous.

Hey, we're gonna go someplace

and hang out. You wanna come?

Oh, no no.

Babe, I'm real tired.

Greg, damn it!

Coaster.

I'm sorry,

I forgot.

I'm trying to keep things

nice around here.

- I mean, f*** me.

- I'm sorry. Christ.

No no no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

He endures

my little outbursts.

Don't you, baby?

Greg is going to school.

Tell him.

Refrigeration.

Learn the heating and cooling business.

My focus is more

on cooling.

So, a lot of

money in that?

Coolness?

Global warming?

Ever hear of it?

What an idiot.

I forgot to tell you

about my brilliant idea.

You should come over tomorrow

night and I'll cook dinner.

- That'd be nice.

- Yeah?

You'll be home.

Right, baby?

I guess.

I might be tired.

Oh, no no.

You'll be fine.

Come on. Okay, now

I have to plan a menu.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Okay, I'm gonna go change.

You guys bond.

You could tell Amanda

about the girl if you want.

But don't.

I'm f***in' serious,

a**hole.

Did you love Greg?

Don't you just love him?

He's so hot.

Don't you think

he's hot?

Yes, he's hot.

Hot and sociopathic.

- What?

- Nothing.

He's very very hot.

He doesn't mind

your chosen profession?

Why should he?

My profession pays for

his school, his clothes

and his brand-new truck.

I keep my boy very happy.

Where are we going?

Oh, I know a place up

the strip that doesn't card me.

But we got to make

one more stop first.

Is the car gonna

be okay here?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

How about us?

So, anyway, I came here--

it was, like, last year

and I got a job at the

International House of Pancakes.

- Do you know it?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I usually say IHOP,

'cause it's shorter,

but I wasn't sure

if you'd heard of it.

Oh, well, it lists both names

in Zagat, so I'm good.

So, anyway,

my friend Michelle-- she worked

with me but she was a hostess--

she got this job

dancing at this club.

- Dancing?

- Stripping.

She was making huge money,

no taxes.

- Everything under the table.

- Including Michelle, no doubt.

Oh, poor guy.

- I hate to see that.

- Mmm.

So, anyway, she introduces me

to the owner of the club.

Before you know it,

I'm dancing.

- Stripping?

- Yeah.

And you just started,

just like that?

Well, you don't really need

a lot of training to strip.

I mean, I've taken off my clothes

every night before I go to bed.

You know?

Oh, my gosh!

- What was that?

- I don't know.

Sh*t.

Scared me.

- Did you see me jump?

- Just keep walking.

Oh my God.

So, yeah, no training.

Except I took a

pole-dancing seminar once.

- That's it.

- They have seminars in pole dancing?

Yeah, at the local

community college.

Isn't Vegas the best?

I killed at the club. I had this whole

"Sweet Young Thing" working for me.

Every guy who pays for a blowj*b

wants to get it from a girl

who looks like she's never

given one before.

- That's my look.

- You do remember

I'm your uncle, right?

- Yeah?

- Hi.

- Is Link here?

- You picking up?

Yeah, he knows.

Shut the door.

This will only take

two seconds.

Cool.

- Hey, you want some?

- Uh, no.

No, thanks.

I'm-- I'm married.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Oh, so is she.

- That's nice, to have

something in common.

My mouth's watering already.

Okay, you can

come back now.

Yeah. Enjoy.

Here's your pony, sweetness,

all saddled up and ready to ride.

- Thank you, sir.

- You're welcome. You'll love it.

- Hey, how's B.V.?

- He's great.

Good. Good, you tell him it should

be ready by the end of the week.

Okay.

Hey, what's with

Principal Skinner?

He's cool.

He's my uncle.

- No sh*t?

- Yeah.

No, none at all.

Hi.

Hey.

Hey, your uncle?

Wow.

I had an uncle once.

Or I killed some gook's uncle in 'Nam.

I can't remember which.

- How's it going?

- Good.

- You?

- Well, I got no legs.

I got no balls.

I piss out of a tube.

How the f*** do you

think it's going?

Right, but getting

the good parking spaces

must take some

of the sting out of it.

You're funny.

He's funny.

You're funny.

Thank you.

Good to meet you.

Good to meet you.

I'd like to introduce you

to my better half.

Unfortunately, it got blown off

You were in the sh*t?

Up to my neck,

sweetie.

Up to my neck.

Hey, you want

something?

- No, I'm good.

- Come on!

You're in Vegas, queer-bait.

Loosen up a little.

Good point.

You have any pot?

Pot?

Who the f*** smokes

pot anymore? Pot?

Hell, they ought to take pot,

they ought to hang it on the

wall of a museum somewhere.

That's how old pot is.

Pot is old, motherf***er.

So you don't have any?

Oh.

Hey, TJ?

Yeah?

Hey, go around back.

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