Finding Your Feet

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1

[man] Straight through

to the conservatory.

[woman] One always expected Mike to get

the nod after a lifetimes loyal service.

That's not to take away

from CBEs and OBEs.

Of course, any Order of the British Empire

is a huge achievement.

No...

Uh, yes, that's for the kitchen.

Didn't Luke's school dinner lady

get an MBE a couple of years ago?

Yes. MBEs tend to be for more...

- hands on service.

- Hmm.

So, will you be expecting us to call you

Lady Abbott from now on?

[chuckles] Not necessarily,

but it does have a rather nice ring to it.

Come on. Let's have a naughty sherry.

- [Sandra] Not over there!

- [man] Sorry, Ma'am.

[Mike] During my four decades on the beat,

I've worked with some fantastic people.

I've also had the pleasure

of working with a number

of great partners.

- [people] Aw.

- [camera shutter clicks]

- Not in the biblical sense of course.

- [all laugh]

Joking aside,

there's been one very special person

who has walked the thin blue line with me

every step of the way'

throughout every trial, case and verdict,

and that is my wife of 35 years,

Lady Sandra Abbott.

[all] Aw.

[Mike] Thank you.

[Speaking Welsh]

[gentle classical music]

Are you losing sleep about what's going

to be happening from here on in'?

No, thank you. What do you mean?

When Hugo retired,

I was on the verge of getting

a part-time job in Waitrose

just to get away from him.

I'm not concerned about that, Janet

I've been planning our retirement

for the last 35 years.

Oh, well, good for you, darling.

- Top up?

- Oh' lovely. I'll spend a penny.

- Oh, are you enjoying it?

- Marvelous!

[glass shatters]

[glass scraping on floor]

[sighing and moaning]

[door unlocking]

[smooching]

[switch clicks] flaws]

What the hell's going on?

We were just...

It's not what it looks like, Sandra.

Sandra'?

Sandra!

Sandra!

- Sandra, wait!

- Get off me!

- How long has it been going on?

- Let's not do this here.

- How long, Mike?

- Since we all went to Sorrento.

Oh. Mandy he.

That's nearly five years ago.

I've had enough of all this

hide-and-seek, Mike.

How could you do this to me?

You're supposed to be my friend.

We even took you to the Palace.

I... I didn't mean for this

to happen, Sandra.

Oh, really? You knew precisely

what you were doing!

Now, please calm down, Sandra.

Remember where you are.

I know exactly where I am.

I'm in my own bloody home.

[murmuring]

I have spent my entire married life

putting you and your career first,

and what got me through was knowing

that when you retired,

we would share our golden years together.

But instead,

you've traded me in for a newer model.

Let me tell you, Mike,

she's had more than one previous owner!

- [all exclaiming]

- And, and her bodywork is mainly filler!

Mum!

- Dad, what have you done'

- [woman] Sandra...

[Mike] Sandra'?

- [Sandra!

- {guests murmuring]

[sniffling]

- [knocking]

- [gasps]

[Mike] Sandra'?

- Sandra!

- [knocks]

Please, let me explain.

The last thing I wanted to do

was to hurt you.

I know it must seem like I've behaved

in a terrible way, but...

Look, one thing led to another and...

Oh, you know how it is.

- Hello, Emma.

- Hi.

- [chuckles]

- Ooh!

Woo-hoo!

[laughing]

[sighing]

Excuse me!

It's women only in here.

Oi!

That's my handbag!

Come back here, you... Wait!

[boat engine chugging]

- [creaking]

- Gotcha.

Charlie!

Yeah, all ready to go this end, Ted.

- Bilge filter.

- Check!

Rodding junction.

- Check.

- Pump outlet.

Oil filter tank? Discharge connection

Check, check, check!

Then we're good to go.

I'll start her up.

[motor running]

- She's sounding good, Charlie.

- Yeah.

What's that'?

Jubilee clip.

Where from?

[both] Oh, bollocks.

Stop! Stop! Oh!

- [mobile phone ringing]

- Flipping hell!

- Turn it off.

- I'm trying.

- [mobile phone continues ringing]

- [sighs]

Hello?

Charlie? It's Bif.

Is now a good time?

Uh, [sniffles] couldn't be better.

Some chancer took a fancy to my handbag.

Would you be a love

and drop off my spare keys?

Yeah, I'll be there right away.

Thank you, Pru.

I really must get around

to buying one of these

[sarcastically] Why, when you can

just borrow other people's.

Did you get a good look at him?

No. [sniffs]

By the time I made it to the top

of the hill, I was seeing double.

Say when.

Woo-hoo-hoo! When! When! When!

Until he decided to press the red button.

I knew it was a mistake coming here.

How could I have expected you

of all people to understand?

You've never stuck at a relationship

in your life because it takes you away

from your devotion to yourself

and your latest crackpot cause.

There's nothing crackpot

about trying to safeguard the planet.

Oh, right, so what would happen

to the human race

if everyone was too busy saving the planet

to make time to procreate?

Oh, so the universe should be grateful

that you and Mike had a knee trembler?

Ladies, could you please quieten down?

You're upsetting the other customers.

We're upsetting them?

How about the lifetime

of heartbreak and betrayal

that is inevitably coming their way?

Not that I would expect you to understand

with your cultural concubines

and polygamy-

I'm going to have to ask you to leave!

I beg your... How dare...

[customers exclaiming]

Officers, there's been

a terrible misunderstanding.

I was simply having

a very nice conversation

- with the young manager there.

- Keep going.

And when the' uh, my hand

inadvertously slipped.

- Will you get your hands off me?

- All right, madam, calm down.

[Sandra] I do hope you know

who you're dealing with.

I'm married to the former

Chief Constable of Surrey Police.

[siren wailing]

Her husband's been cheating on her.

I'm not surprised.

[Bit] What did they charge you with?

Racial aggravation

or drunk and disorderly'?

Could we discuss this

in a less public forum?

Sure, I'm coming down.

Chuck this in the bins, will you?

[Sighs]

[people talking loudly in flats]

[sighs in disgust]

I came down to the station, [chuckles]

but they said you were sleeping it off

This Isn't funny, Bif.

If you hadn't been bullying me,

I wouldn't have got so upset

and thrown the onion bhaji at that woman.

It was a man and you assaulted him

with a prawn dumpling

Why are you being so persnickety?

Listen, why don't you have

an Alka-Seltzer, have a lie-down,

and I'll be back this afternoon.

- Why? Where are you going?

- Dancing.

[Chantilly Lace playing]

[instructor] Very good! Good, good, good!

And turn!

Turn! Flick! Flick!

- Flick! Flick! Flick!

- Flick!

- Sorry, Corrinna.

- Oh, no worries. You're with Ted.

I've worked out some new moves for us.

[laughs]

Might want to put

your crash helmet back on.

Very nice.

Good, good! Sheila, great!

[snoring]

[mobile phone ringing and vibrating]

[gasps]

Hello?

Sandra, it's me.

Oh, yes. [hiccuping]

Pamela's asked me to move in with her.

She wants us to make

a fresh start together.

I thought it through,

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