First Girl I Loved

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Are you kidding me?

Mijo... Mijo...

No, Abuela, I

have to go to school.

Shut up.

Abuela, I was

talking to the phone.

Hello!

Yo! What's good?

Oh, damn! What do we have here?

A new bike!

Chromoly frame.

Matte black finish.

Okay, let me see this.

Oh, damn.

Yo, it's smooth.

Shopkeeper:

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I got it. I got it.

Anne? No...

Putahombre...

What happened?

I think Abuelita threw

away all the corkscrews.

She's trying not to

drink so much.

So, should we go buy one?

Oh, f***ing pain, man,

all the way to the store?

So I'm just supposed to sit here

and not drink this bottle

of four-dollar wine?

Well...

Jesus Christ! No! No.

Let's just get a pen.

Let's just get a pen

and push the cork down.

Cliff, do you have a pen?

We can push it down...

No, that's stupid.

It'll just taste all Corky.

Doing something stupid?

Rule number one,

don't do stupid things.

So what's the occasion?

Oh, I just wanted to

talk about things.

Yeah?

You know, I've actually heard

quite a few things in my time.

Oh!

What? Oh my god, no! Cliff!

No. The glass, cliff.

What?

It'll get all ground up

in the wine. See?

Hm.

We just need something that's

going to take it off clean.

Oh, sh*t...

Whoaaa...

Cliff.

What?

One, two, three, ready?

All right, cliff, I am scared.

One...

Two...

Don't do it. Seriously,

don't do it.

Sh*t. I'm gonna do it.

Okay, cliff, I think this is a

really bad idea...

Um... what's a Chromoly frame?

I just explained it to you.

Oh, please, tell me what a

Chromoly frame is.

Look, I tried...

I tried to understand, I just...

You just didn't know how

to articulate it to me.

I know you're doing that thing.

What thing?

The thing where you see how many

times I'll repeat myself.

Oh, f***, man!

Now speaking of things

what were you going to tell me?

Just hold on,

you're being way too loud.

Oh, come on.

I thought you had some

great news or some sh*t.

No.

Okay...

The other night I went to...

I went to cover a game.

Uh huh.

Um... f***, this is

so weird.

Um...

Sorry, it's just like all of a

sudden my heart's just like,

Ba-dum, Ba-dum, Ba-dum.

Uh... you're my best friend

and I'm really worried that

you're going to think

differently of me.

And I don't know what I would

do without you.

I, um... I like... I like...

I like somebody or whatever.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Damn.

I mean, you're a great friend

and all,

but I kinda got a

girlfriend right now...

Don't be dumb.

You're f***in' dumb.

Please. Seriously, can we be

serious for a second?

Oh, wow, all right.

All right. All right.

All right.

Anne, come here.

Look. Seriously, okay?

What's good?

Do you know Sasha Basaez?

Hm, no. Who's he?

Sasha Basaez.

Sounds like some dumb-ass

baseball player

or something.

That's actually a

really good guess.

Oh my god, he is? Oh, so good!

Except it's... softball,

not baseball.

Mom! I'll be back.

Anne. Where are you going?

Oh wow! What happened

to your head?

Sorry. That came out wrong.

They're pretty.

I have to go do a project.

Where?

Mom, it's right there.

Well, why is this the first time

I'm hearing about a project?

It's this thing. It's on acids

and bases, it's due tomorrow.

Actually, no, no,

it was due today,

but my stupid lab partner didn't

have her thing done.

So it's already going to be a

whole letter-grade off.

Every second that I'm standing

here makes the likelihood

of us finishing on time go down

just... just that much more.

Okay. If you keep your pants on,

I'll drive you. Ten minutes.

No, mom! I have to go to school

'cause I left my bike there

like an idiot.

Can I just go? Mom!

Before it gets dark, please.

Why do I feel like you're

lying to me?

Huh? Why am I getting that

feeling? Uh!

Because the world is out

to get you

and it's a big

f***ing conspiracy.

Anne, you know, you sound like a

dummy when you talk like that?

Kids your age use curse words

like a crutch.

Obscenities belie an

inarticulateness

that characterizes your

entire generation...

And if you ask me...

The way you talk is so annoying.

Hm, that's not a very

nice thing to say.

All right, we've

got five answers to choose from.

Five answers, where do we start

on a question like this?

Anybody? Anybody. Somebody.

In the middle?

In the middle. Thank you.

Hey, mom!

Hey, honey!

I'm gonna hop in the shower!

Also, my friend's coming over.

Okay!

I got it!

Hi.

Hey! Uh, I'm

really sorry I'm late.

I didn't know where you lived,

so I parked somewhere

else really far away.

I dunno, I was gonna walk, but

it's like why walk anywhere,

I have my own car, right?

Right.

Hello.

Oh, this is Anne.

Uh, she's from yearbook.

We're doing a project.

Oh! Are you from

the school yearbook?

Mom, I just said that.

Andi!

You should ask her how she's

able to balance school

and athletics.

'Cause most kids can't do

that...

but this one can pull it off.

Top 15% of her class!

Oh my god.

Andi!

What! I'm outside!

Did you buy superfoods?

Uh, yes, I

bought the superfoods.

Thank you.

Fifteen percent of her class!

Okay, bye!

Bye!

Your mom's awesome.

Yeah. Uh, come on in.

Sorry, it's like really messy.

Oh, my house is

a lot messier than this.

You're like the first friend

I've had over in like months.

Besides Amanda panda,

Trisha and Lexi,

but they're just like, whatever.

And I guess, "friend,"

I don't know if I would...

You know what I mean.

Uh, yeah.

Um, it's just so busy.

I never get to just like

you know what I mean?

Definitely.

Sorry. You probably think I'm

like, wah! Or something.

Oh, I'm going to get a

superfood, do you want one?

Okay?

It must be, like, really cool,

like, getting to do what you do.

What? What do I do?

You know, get to learn about

people and stuff.

No, I'm sitting in front

of a computer

doing boring layout stuff.

Like, you're the coolest

girl in the school.

Oh my god, no.

I'm so lame.

What? No. One, you're

like the star athlete.

Two, you're really good

at school, right?

I mean, you're in the... you're

in the top 15% of your class.

Yeah.

Uh, so was I supposed to do

anything for this?

I have, like, never been

interviewed before, so.

It's... it's really easy.

Uh, okay.

Question one...

Oh my god, I'm so scared.

Why?

I don't know, what if I say

the wrong thing?

We'll start with an easy one.

A softball, if you will.

Oh, I can definitely talk about

softball.

No, it's not...

Never mind. How old are you?

Eighteen? Yeah. Eighteen.

So you're a senior?

Yep.

Okay....

Do you have a boyfriend?

Um...

Uh...

This is one of the...

The standard questions.

Right. Um... no.

No boyfriend for me.

You just like...

You don't have the time or...?

Ha. I'm getting really nervous.

No. Yeah, of course. Of course.

Um, let's shift gears.

Let's just... shifting gears.

Here's a great one. Okay.

If you could have

dinner with anyone,

living or dead,

with whom would it be?

I don't know. Oh,

Michael Jackson?

Or no. That's stupid.

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