First Kid

Come on, boy.

Let's go to work, boy.

We're late, man.

We're late.

Oh, just great.

There's Wilkes.

- Give me the keys!

- Why?

Just give me the keys, man.

Just hit the possum

next time.

We're federal agents.

Hey, you guys can't

park right here.

It's OK. We're with

the government.

Oh, yeah?

Is that right?

Well, I'm with

mall security.

Now, you federal boys might

call the shots out there,

but when

you're in this mall,

you're under

my jurisdiction,

and that car's parked

in a fire zone!

That's right, sir.

You're absolutely right.

- What's your name?

- Hill.

Officer Hill,

how you doing, sir?

I'm fine.

I'm agent Simms with

the secret service agency.

We have a major operation

going on here...

...and we'll need your help.

I see you're a sharp man.

Can we count on you?

Yes, sir,

you can count on me.

Now, I need you

to watch this car.

Guard it with your life.

Can you do that?

Yes, sir, I can.

What's so important

about this car?

If I told you that,

I'd have to... you know.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

I understand.

Take good care of.

No problem.

I gotta make you an honorary

secret service agent.

Yes, sir.

Grab my shoulders.

Grab your shoulders.

Frisk me.

Frisk you.

Turn around.

Give me a bump.

There you go.

Thank you very much.

- Yes, sir.

- Guard the car.

Just guard the car.

Why don't you just

shoot him next time?

Let's go. We're late.

Hey, I still

have milk left.

Leave it.

We're late... as usual.

I'm not taking the fall...

...for you this time.

Let's go.

Move it.

Good morning.

Luke, honey,

you're 10 minutes late.

We were supposed

to leave at 9:
30.

Woods, why didn't

you say something?

Agent Woods, you're supposed

to remind him of the time.

He's-- he's a child.

He can't keep

his own schedule.

I--I did. I--

Let's go. OK?

- Let's go.

- OK.

Don't worry about it.

Just follow my lead.

I think I found it!

- What?

- Bark.

- How you doing, sir?

- Fine.

Major Simms,

secret service.

Agent Dash,

secret service.

Got a little bomb threat

here with the doughnuts.

Could we check out

those bear claws?

Yes, sir.

No! Do you want

to blow us all up?

No.

Be careful.

Get that big bear claw.

Don't use your hands,

man!

Use that tong!

Where you from?

Now, hurry up.

Might be on a timer.

And get those little

peanut clusters.

Could be a peanut bomb.

And get the little

candy sprinkles.

They love to use that.

The enemy is real hip

to the candy thing.

Sir, can we check

a frosty long john, please?

I don't think so,

agent Dash!

Could you put those in

a box for the bomb squad?

Yes, sir.

Freeze! I'll be

back in a minute.

Don't you move,

don't you breathe.

Any kind of pressure

could set this off.

I don't want

any incidents today.

You are in high school now

and I expect you to act like it.

Then don't dress me

in these dorky clothes.

You're not dressed

in dorky clothes.

You're in nice clothes.

You look very handsome.

You should consider

yourself lucky.

I should consider

myself dorky.

My man? My man?

Hand me the box.

Thank you for

watching it for us.

Your country thanks you, OK?

- Yes, sir.

- Cool.

Dash, how many times

do I have to tell you

we can't have

doughnuts on duty!

Sir, this is agent Dash.

I think you remember him

from this morning.

- Roger?

- Yes, sir?

Tell Cliff

I can't hold his dog

when he goes

to the bathroom.

I just can't.

I have my own job to do.

OK.

You keep this up

and you're going to be

on field duty forever.

If Morton had seen that,

you'd be laying your badge

on the counter right now.

I mean it.

Come on, sir,

I'm just joking.

You're always just joking...

and jokers don't

protect the president.

They stay in the field.

That's not fair, sir.

You know when it comes

to my job I'm serious.

I'm out there,

taking care of business.

I've proven myself.

I know you have, Sammy,

but it's not about that.

It's about

the little things.

The doughnuts,

the fake dog poop

at the inaugural.

- Not funny, sir.

- That was not funny.

The right attitude!

From now on,

if I could get crown,

I have

the right attitude, OK?

I'll buy more little

brown ugly clip-on ties.

I will do

whatever it takes.

I'm going by the book

from now on.

They'll call me

Sammy "by the book" Simms.

Sir, here's that

explosive coffee,

2 sugars.

Package is

approaching the mall, sir,

and it has arrived.

OK, caravan's here.

Get out there.

Yes, sir.

Leave the doughnuts!

OK, sir.

Put the bear claw back.

Thank you very much.

Mom, look at

all these cameras!

I'm not going in there.

Of course you are.

We do this every year.

I'm not going in there.

Do you want me

to call your father?

Why not? At least

I'd get to talk to him.

Look, I know this is hard,

but you are going

to get out of the car

and when you do,

you are going

to be the happiest kid

that ever went

back-to-school shopping.

OK, sweetheart?

OK. All right.

That's great. Come on.

Open the door.

Mom, can I try

one of these?

No. We have

a schedule to keep.

We were late leaving,

remember?

Mom, it'll just

take a minute.

Be a good boy. Don't

embarrass your mommy.

OK...

Dead people wear this stuff.

Did you hear that?

Kids don't like dress clothes.

What can I say?

Mom, I said I didn't

want to shop here.

Luke...

Big smile now.

Get rid of the cameras.

Let's go.

What are you doing?

Why do we have

to shop here?

Because America shops here.

Your father runs America

so we shop here.

You don't shop here.

Never mind where I shop.

Would you help me

with this, please?

Mrs. Davenport,

how do you find time

to shop with

your busy schedule?

You heard your mother.

Put these on.

It's a balancing act

for all working mothers.

And when you get

right down to it,

that's what I am.

Get your butt in

the dressing room.

What are you doing?

You're hurting me!

What do you think

you're doing?

Don't ever touch him

that way again.

He wouldn't move.

You told me to put him

in the dressing--

that is not what I meant

and you know it.

Get in the dressing

room, please.

What?

I don't want him

guarding my son anymore.

You get me an agent

who can deal with a child.

You picking that up, Brian?

Unbelievable.

Thank you.

Simms! Simms!

You've been in

the service 5 years.

2 meritorious service awards.

Why is your earpiece

not in your ear?

Oh, sir, the high

frequencies bother me,

so I take it out

from time to time

just to relieve

the pressure.

It seems there's always

something with you, Simms.

"My bulletproof vest

causes chafing"?

It's a family thing, sir.

More like a rash.

"My photo I.D.

makes me look fat."

Sir, I've lost a lot

of weight since then.

I've been working out--

Sit down.

- It's--

- Shut up.

Listen, I understand

you did a good job

in the field today.

But even so,

you've got a file

full of borderline

regulation infractions,

which is why what

I'm about to do

is against my better judgment.

This afternoon you'll be

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