Fist Fight

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

- (STUDENTS WHOOPING)

- (TIRES SCREECH)

- CAMPBELL:
Whoa!

Hey! Buddy, excuse me.

I'm sorry, you're parking in my spot...

Senior prank day.

Yeah, but it's not a prank.

You're just parking it in an assigned...

That's fine. You're good.

You're good. I'll find a new spot.

- F***ing rent-a-cop.

- Guys!

I need you to stop rocking the cart.

F*** you!

I'm gonna write your names down.

Well, that's not good.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING CONTINUES)

BOYS:
Whoo!

(BOYS LAUGHING)

- Do it! Do it! Do it!

- (LAUGHING)

This is gonna be a bad day.

Oh, yeah.

Wait up!

(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)

STRICKLAND:
Hey!

Oh, f***!

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

You hold it right there.

Now, outside my class,

I found our school's

1971 championship bat in the trash can.

I'm wondering who put it in there

and why.

We thought it'd be funny

to throw out the bat

and put the computer in with porn.

Put it back.

Now!

Now get y'all Rush Hour asses to class.

Everybody!

Where... Where is my mug?

Why are people always taking my mug?

(SIGHS)

You know, I know we're

a rough school and everything,

and we don't usually have

control over the students,

but this is the worst

I've ever seen the pranks.

Really? I think it's hilarious.

I'm thinking about

taking a sh*t in the pool.

I want... I want to think

that you're joking.

But for some reason,

I feel like you're not.

I was just picturing everybody's faces.

Yeah. I'm just saying

it's not a good day for this, you know?

My wife was due three days ago.

And I'm up all night

thinking about what I'm gonna say

to the superintendent at 2:00.

You know, I don't have anything planned.

I know what I'm gonna say at my meeting.

I'm gonna be like,

"F*** you for trying to make us

re-interview for our jobs again!"

I put my blood, sweat, and tears

into my coaching.

- Right.

- Not my fault we always in last place.

Yeah, what... What is your record?

These kids are un-coachable!

It's very tough. It's very tough.

Losing here is a tradition.

It shouldn't be.

- Yeah, it's a terrible tradition.

- Right?

I'm trying my best

not to get one of

these kids' moms pregnant.

I'm trying.

You're not gonna say that, are you?

Hell no, Campbell.

Be polite as sh*t.

I went out and bought new

jeans for this motherf***er.

And I hate long pants.

- Yeah, you got an exotic build.

- (DOOR SLAMS)

F*** this!

Twenty-two years and then,

"See you later!"

Those a**holes should have taken my class,

so they can manage a f***ing budget!

I'm taking this.

Taking this.

See? We're expendable.

They fired Irv.

This school's gonna f*** me?

I'm gonna f*** it!

STRICKLAND:
Drop it!

Oh, sh*t.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, f*** it!

What the f*** is this?

Don't have money for books,

but got money for this newfangled...

He gonna f*** that coffee machine up.

Is this a practical joke?

Huh? You know I don't play that sh*t.

How the f*** you work this bullshit?

You. Campbell.

Me?

You the only one drinking coffee, right?

Uh, yeah.

No, I mean,

I got a light roast cappuccino.

Well, get your light

roast ass over here and help me fix a cup.

Right. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

I'm sorry, I don't know

why I was resisting that.

- Yeah, so it's a new machine.

- No sh*t.

It's state of the art, though.

All you gotta do is

put in your order, and it does the rest.

Coffee.

You know, I'll just... I'll do it for you,

and I think that's just

gonna be the easiest.

Right, so you got your

drink selections down here.

And flavors, you got hazelnut...

I just want regular coffee.

Shoot. Uh...

That doesn't seem to be an option.

Um...

How about an Americano?

That's basically the same thing.

- Whatever.

- So I just pick "Americano", right?

And then you can go medium, light, dark.

You look like...

Or not look like, you would want...

I'll go with medium.

And then you hit "brew."

- (MACHINE WHIRRING)

- (SIGHS)

- (MACHINE BEEPS)

- And it's done. (CHUCKLES)

Thank God.

And one Americano. For you.

All right. Cheers.

Tastes like sh*t.

F***ing waste of money.

Sh*t don't even voice activate.

- That was awkward.

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

"It takes courage to grow up and to

become who you really are."

Right? E.E. Cummings wrote that.

And, guys, you're growing up.

You're moving on.

For many of you,

this is gonna be the last English

class you're ever gonna take.

So, um, I want you to remember something.

Words are always going to matter.

- (STUDENTS SCOFF)

- Right? What?

Uh-oh! Uh...

Something's funnier than

it should be, right?

I'm missing the joke here. Is it me?

"Mr. Dick Suck's English class!"

Look, I'm down for the

senior pranks, I really am,

but, frankly, I think this

one's a little homophobic, right?

I mean, how does everybody

think this makes Blake feel?

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, uh...

- I'm sorry. It doesn't mean anything.

- No, no. It means something.

Words matter, remember?

Right. Yeah, no.

I... I just meant because

you're politically conscious

and you're sensitive.

I'm not sensitive.

- I'm gay.

- (STUDENTS CHUCKLING)

And I wrote it and I drew the cat.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

And now there's a cat. What is...

What is this?

Now I'm Mr. Cat?

Oh, I get it. I'm Mr. P*ssy

because I'm a nice guy.

I'm a pushover, right?

All right, guys, come on.

I'm down for the pranks,

but frankly we're getting...

And "Mr. Dick Suck's English class" again!

- In Sharpie!

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- (ALL LAUGHING)

- (MOUTHING)

And now I have Ms. Grossman

peering through the window.

Uh, excuse me for one second.

- I'll be right back.

- STUDENT 1:
All right, Blake!

STUDENT 2:
Yo, Blake turned

a cat into a dick.

- Hey!

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey, how's it going?

Uh, what's going on?

I got some news for you about your job.

Oh, my God. What do you...

What do you know?

Wolinsky and Henderson just got fired.

- Oh, my God! That's great!

- Right? Yeah!

I mean, it's terrible because...

(LAUGHING)

I know, 'cause they got families.

Yeah, they got the families

and everything.

But they're not gonna

fire the whole English department, right?

Exactly. That'd be crazy!

Holly, thank you! I gotta call my wife.

That's fantastic.

(HORSE WHINNYING)

What the f*** was that?

Where did they get a horse?

They stole it from the race track.

They got it all hopped up

on homemade meth, you know,

so it'd be amped up enough

to run through the hallways.

- Yeah.

- It's not like the best batch, but...

I'm sorry...

- How do you know that?

- How do I know what?

Holly, you're not doing meth again, right?

Yeah. Yeah, just a little bit.

- Don't do meth.

- No more homemade meth. Got it.

No, no. No meth, period.

When I'm on my period, don't do it?

That's when I need it the most.

Holly, you're the guidance counselor.

- You've never done it?

- Oh, God, no. No.

- Oh. Man, it's f***ing great.

- Yeah.

- Is it?

- (LAUGHS) Yeah!

I think the best I've ever felt.

Holly, this stuff's gotta stop.

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