Fist Fight Page #2

- Right.

- Right?

Yeah, 'cause it's a gateway?

- It's the finish line.

- There's worse stuff.

I don't think I can help you.

All right, thanks.

I gotta call my wife. Thank you, Holly.

All right.

I'll take care of your classroom.

Ooh, ooh, no, no, no! Don't do that.

- What's that?

- They're fine. Yeah.

Some of them are fine.

You know what I mean?

- They're good-looking.

- Uh-oh. Yeah, no.

(STAMMERING) Leave 'em alone.

- Right?

- Right.

- But thank you for the news.

- Yeah.

- Thank you!

- You're welcome.

Yo! Neil's gonna prank Strickland today.

Strickland might legit kill Neil, bro.

I know. It's gonna be epic!

Whoa! What's happening here?

You don't just come on

my field mowing nothing.

So sorry, Coach.

Principal Tyler said we have to mow here.

- For real?

- Yeah.

Wow.

Good for you. Good for you!

This is a gleaming example

of people doing positive things out here.

Y'all can hit the track.

Yvette, all of the rolling your eyes in

the world ain't gonna get you nowhere.

And tell your mother she never

text me back, damn it!

- MAGGIE:
(OVER PHONE) Hello?

- Hey! Honey, hi! How's it going?

How you feeling?

Everything good? Everything okay?

Well, I feel like I'm about to explode,

we're definitely gonna be late to school,

and I'm on my fourth hairdo

for the talent show.

Ah. (CHUCKLES)

Did you have your meeting

with the superintendent yet?

Not yet. But that's why I'm calling,

actually. I wanna tell you that...

- ALLY:
Dad...

- Yeah?

I really want to change

the song to Big Sean.

What?

She wants to change the

song to a Big Sean song.

Daddy didn't learn a Big Sean song, right?

Daddy learned the song from Rent.

- We can do the same dance moves.

- All right, look, Ally,

I know this dance is

a big deal for you, okay?

And I'm not gonna let you down.

But it's way too late to change the song,

sweetie. Okay?

- So, let me talk to Mommy...

- Okay.

'Cause I got something

really important I wanna tell her.

Did you get fired?

No, no, no! My job is safe.

Oh, honey, that is such great news.

Isn't that great?

I really cannot have you

getting fired right now, okay?

- We can't have that right now...

- (WILLIAM MOANS)

That would be no good.

WILLIAM:
It's the hottest thing

I've ever seen.

You know what, sweetie?

I gotta call you back.

Some... Something weird

is going on around here.

- Okay?

- MAGGIE:
Okay.

Yeah. Tell Ally I'll see her at 2:30.

Daddy says he'll see you at 2:30.

- MAGGIE:
Bye, honey.

- All right. Bye, love.

WILLIAM:
How'd it do that?

Oh, I've literally never seen that before.

- Oh, yeah. You want more?

- What the f***?

What the hell are you doing?

Why did you open the door?

You don't get to ask the questions, okay?

Come on. Let's go. Get up!

God!

Really, I mean, you wanna

do that at home? Fine.

- Are you starting again?

- Yes.

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop this!

Don't look at me and smile

when you're doing it.

Just stop... Just stop doing it!

Bonjour, Ms. Monet.

Bonjour, messieurs.

Now get your asses back to class.

CAMPBELL:
Stop!

The time for touching penises is over.

WILLIAM:
Just let me get to the end!

I'm so close.

CAMPBELL:
How do you even

still have a boner?

- Pull your pants back up.

- What is going on here?

Oh, hey.

That must have sounded pretty bad.

Uh, let me explain.

He was just masturbating.

And he was just watching.

I wasn't watching. I caught you.

Just get out of here before I report you.

Right. Okay, let's go. Back to class.

But there's no reason to report me.

- Let's go.

- Get back to class.

Yeah. And again, to be clear,

- I was not watching him. I caught him...

- You're gross.

(SIGHS) Unbelievable.

Hey, light roast.

(STAMMERS) Hey.

Do you know how to fix an AV system?

Oh, uh...

Yeah. But I'm so sorry.

I'm running late for my class.

Sorry about that.

Stop!

Don't you take another step.

One more step

and you'd have been covered in paint.

They've been putting 'em

all over the place.

Holy crap. It's like a trip wire and...

Oh, my God. You just saved me, man.

(CHUCKLES)

Why aren't they this ambitious

with their classwork, huh?

All right. You know what?

Yeah, I got a second.

Let's take a look at that AV.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

So I'm trying to show the class

this Civil War documentary.

Damn school wouldn't purchase

my Ken Burns DVDs,

so I'm stuck with

this bullshit knock-off VHS.

Ah, it's a bummer.

Now, look. I push it in,

it comes on...

NARRATOR:
The troops called him

Old Whittington.

It plays for a minute and then...

- Huh! Yeah, that's really weird.

- (SNICKERING)

Eight times, I asked for a DVD player.

No response.

I'm this close to going up there

and going postal on the whole

goddamn administration.

This close.

(CHUCKLES)

Yikes. Yeah.

Well, you know what?

Maybe you just wanna give 'em

a free period and call it a day.

A free period?

What good would that do?

Oh, you know, it's the last day of school

and I'm sure they'd like you for it,

and this isn't working, so...

I don't need to be liked.

I need to educate.

You see, half of these kids

thought the Civil War

was a fight between Batman and Superman.

So, we don't get free periods.

Ain't that right?

No free periods

in Mr. Strickland's history class, right?

ALL:
Right.

- Right?

- Right.

Right. Good. Strong...

Strong point. I'll give it another look.

Yeah, I mean if you wanna...

You're gonna have to take

the manual out, because I think...

All right, I'm gonna start

from the beginning.

First I'm gonna power on the...

- Was that you?

- No. I thought that was you.

No, I didn't push the button.

- That was you.

- No, that wasn't me.

- I'm not pushing the button yet.

- (SNICKERING SOFTLY)

Are you sure you're not hitting it

by accident, or...

STRICKLAND:
No.

(SNICKERING)

You know what?

I'm gonna go down to the next step.

Maybe I'll just power on the...

- NARRATOR:
Farewell, you bastard.

- A-ha!

I think I see what's going on here.

Mr. Strickland, you are

the victim of a senior prank.

(CAMPBELL CLAPPING)

Very funny, you guys. Very, very funny.

I believe this young man is manipulating

the television with his cell phone.

Kind of caught him out of

the corner of my eye there.

He's doing this?

- Yeah.

- You doing it?

Give it to me.

Now!

You think this is funny?

Messing with the TV with your

goddamn computer telephone?

No, I'm not the one doing it.

I'mma show you what's funny.

Everybody,

I want you to hashtag L-M-F-A...

- O!

- (STUDENTS GASP)

Now, there will be no more

interruptions in my class.

None!

We're gonna watch

this beautiful documentary

on the Civil War,

and it's not Tupac versus Biggie.

NARRATOR:
He lost a leg at Gettysburg

and an arm at Chickamauga.

But his blood thirst remained unquenched.

Okay. Uh...

We got it going,

so I'm gonna go back to class.

Hey, man. Shut up.

I said no interruptions.

Be a f***ing example for the kids, man.

NARRATOR:
It was going to be

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