Five

1

To look at me now,

I seem like the chick

out to piss people off,

posting selfies,

chilling out on the beach,

saying "How's Paris, guys?"

The chick who chucked it all

to start a new life.

But I didn't decide to live here.

I just want to go back to Paris.

But for the moment,

no way.

I'd often wondered

how far one'd go for friends.

If there was a limit.

When I ask myself now,

I know the answer.

But a year ago, I had no idea.

I was miles away.

Go, go, go!

Almost!

Go for it!

I got 20 on blondie.

Go on! I put 50 on you!

Don't look at your dad, focus!

Can't catch a single one!

He sucks!

The spliff smoker is Timothy.

He's terrific. Get this:

He's on his fourth freshman year.

First it was Economics.

Then Art.

Then Philosophy.

Now English.

But the dummy

thinks it's cooler to say "American."

He should be a cook...

Tonight's special:

tartare of clit

and a julienne of rump.

It's always a treat.

It's salmon.

Where's he gonna end up?

That guy can do and say

the dumbest things...

- Do me a blowback?

- Cut it out!

Come on!

I don't feel like it.

C'mon, don't be a drag.

But you forgive him.

Only one round left.

The one trying to cheat

is my favorite.

Vadim was a quiet little boy,

but now he's got phobias,

he's a hypochondriac

and a nervous wreck.

I first met him

at my 4th birthday at Mickey D's.

I knew right off he liked me.

When a little butterball gives you

his only cheeseburger,

it's pretty obvious.

Nestor's the black hunk.

He's cramming for his bar exams.

When he's focused like that,

nothing distracts him...

Except...

Nestor doesn't talk much,

but he doesn't need to.

I was interning at William & Co.

This report's sh*t.

Actually,

it was just after William & Co.

Hey, I've always been polite.

Relax!

Shove your report!

How dare you!

Little preppie cocksucker

in your crummy cardigan and loafers!

- Pervert!

- Excuse me?

That means, go suck a trans!

You slob!

What'd I say?

Go on!

Hit the ring and it's a sure win!

- Talk about a reversal!

- Sh*t!

Hand over the dough.

Samuel's a different trip:

a chronic optimist.

It'll be fine.

I promised you the concert.

In 10 minutes...

We're only 30 miles away.

Trust me.

Happy birthday!

Always out to please.

I got a size 8.

They only had these big boxes.

The receipt, for exchanges.

Yeppa!

He's rich. His dad made a mint

in the rag trade.

"Esteem is founded on comparison:"

He wants to act.

"To honor all men is to honor none."

He'll do anything to make it.

I'm not sure of the moves.

But that feels right.

The standing deal is:

Samuel supposedly stays

in medical school,

and his dad supports him.

Blood was spurting all over.

We lost the guy's pulse,

resuss table, I guided them:

a 260 shock,

then a 360 shock

and we got a pulse back.

He came around.

Nice going!

That's routine.

Hop in, my lovelies.

When we met in grade school,

we swore we'd live together one day.

All five of us.

What? No more chocolate ones?

They ate 'em all.

I doze off and they're gone!

Faster! You're crawling.

Can't scratch the rims.

Dad'll be pissed.

What's he care? He's got 15 others.

Yeah, with nice rims.

"15 others, with nice rims..."

I hear you jiving me in the rearview!

I'll let you have it!

Move it, you snail!

A real trek at the end.

I'm starved!

Hey, city slickers.

Trashing out?

You bet we are.

What's that mean?

I dunno.

Your dad around?

In the barn. C'mon.

I love it when a plan comes together.

The A-Team.

I got it.

I said no, Jules.

Don't push. I gave you a deal.

20 euros for a half-ounce,

in Paris it goes for 80.

You win. 200.

Here.

It's not always cut rate!

I'll take 10 ounces, please.

I don't sell so you can deal.

I'm not in business.

What?

Why what?

We're a local group,

we get together,

compare growing techniques.

It's our hobby. Understand?

- That's great but I...

- Yeah, it's great.

No problem, but it's not to sell.

It's for my personal use.

You shitting me?

You smoke 15 joints a day?

Thanks, Gerard.

He's nuts.

Nothing for you?

- Who, me?

- Yes, you!

I'm an actor, so my body's my tool.

But I figure some day

I might try a joint and check out

the Actor's Studio trip...

to experience it like Daniel...

Day Lewis.

The guy walks away...

Seriously?

In the middle of my sentence.

He saw you weren't a customer.

That's awful!

Farmer's hooch, it burns!

Man!

- She's so gorgeous!

- Who?

Julia! I didn't tell you.

lt was so awkward.

We were just smoking a joint.

I say, "C'mon, do me a blowback."

She says no.

I say "Please, do me a blowback."

She agrees,

turns the joint around,

and when she leans in

my palms are wet, I get shivers,

and a stiffy! Believe it?

You serious? She's like our sister!

I know, man.

I was so embarrassed.

But I had such a boner.

I was like this,

my fly

was gonna pop any second.

This big bump in my jeans.

I was in a bad way...

A half woody

going sideways...

I'll spare the details.

Imagine the mess

if you slept with Julia.

I know man, but it was sincere.

A sincere boner.

Okay, pal?

Man, am I in the mood to copulate.

He's sick.

Look at that girl.

I want to make love to her,

just to see.

What's so funny?

What's so funny?

Because you already did,

it makes me laugh.

A good joke.

You're right!

You forgot?

I totally forgot.

The guy's insane. He forgets!

Julia, c'mere.

Lemme borrow her a sec.

Hear ye, hear ye,

villeins and damsels,

half-breeds

and hash-smokers,

fall at my feet,

for I have found us

a keep, nay, a castle,

what says he?

A f***ing apartment!

- What?

- 5 bedrooms, top floor,

balcony, open kitchen,

huge living room, elevator,

can you beat that?

Vadim, why shake your head?

It'll cost a fortune!

The sweet sound of the killjoy

who ruins the mood.

I'm not. But I can't pay 2000 euros.

You won't! How much can you pay?

We said 500.

You know what?

You each pay 500.

That makes 2000.

Trust me, I'll pay the rest.

And we'll finally

have a place to share!

My lunch!

Tornado!

Nice molding.

Yes... molding...

It's molding.

He'll be here any minute.

He's a little late.

Sh*t, I overslept!

Perfect. Sorry again for being late.

Tough surgery this morning,

I had to pitch in.

That's hospitals! The beeper going,

the gurney breaks,

the EKG won't start,

a tough morning in ER.

Never mind.

I'll stop.

Your application

was very weak, but...

But I know your father well,

so I bent the rules.

Thanks, that's very kind.

Moreover,

are you aware

the lease is in your name?

I know. That won't be a problem.

Well then, let's sign.

The signature!

Where do I sign?

There... and there.

Fine.

- The keys.

- Right, the keys.

So, did we do it or didn't we?

We sure did it!

I hope it's cool. I gave up my flat.

What wouldn't be cool?

We have the keys.

The place is sensational.

You're a damn genius.

In fact, we got you a gift.

Honestly?

"Sam's treat."

Funny, isn't it?

Pretty cool.

Thanks so much.

You treat us.

Let's tie one on tonight. I'm ready!

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