Five Page #2

Not tonight. Dad's birthday tomorrow.

And rehearsal.

Not helping us move?

Sure, but tonight

I gotta take it easy.

There, that's better.

That's better.

I've been to lots of doctors

for my problem.

They've found nothing.

Here,

I'll show you

Not only does it itch,

but it keeps oozing pus.

- Look!

- I'm looking.

Holy cow!

I saw, I see.

What is it?

I see. You've got a fagnus.

What's a fagnus?

A little like eczema.

But yours has pus.

You have the kind with pus.

It's a real bother!

Sure it's a bother,

for everyone.

Check her out, man!

The concierge's daughter.

She's eying me.

Every time I go by.

She's not my type.

You have a type?

I kinda like her.

Cut the racket!

Sorry for moving in.

That's not my problem.

I've got my eye on you.

It's forbidden to use the elevator.

Sure. Out of the way.

Go piss on your hands, you mutt!

Take it easy, Jules.

You p*ssy out in a second.

- But don't...

- I will!

He'll hassle us.

Down you go!

- What're you doing?

- What?

What if someone walks in?

I dunno, we tell 'em.

We can't hide

now that we all live together.

Hold your horses.

I don't want it to mess up the gang.

If we keep using rubbers,

we're not telling.

That's different.

No it's not. Dammit, Vad!

Hey! I'm on the pill, we did tests,

and you treat me like a piece of ass.

It's just that

I'm not sure tests are reliable.

Here they are, the bastards!

Taking a break? I'm hot to trot!

Enough...

Cut it out!

I'm okay.

You doctors are lucky.

You put us right at ease.

Never could I talk about

my vaginal dryness

if you weren't a doctor.

Yes, for that, we're lucky.

You sure are.

My husband's ill!

My son's a doctor. Sam!

Hurry!

A doctor, quick!

- What's going on?

- A seizure.

So...

He doesn't look too good.

Move back, please.

Let him breathe.

Blood gas okay...

Pulse, not bad.

Pupils dilated.

Right?

- I don't know.

- Never mind.

Now the fetal safety position,

so that he'll be okay.

- So far, so good.

- Mouth to mouth.

- What?

- Mouth to mouth.

Not at all. That's an urban legend.

Totally wrong.

We'll wake him up.

Wake up, mister.

Mouth to mouth has worked before!

If you want, okay.

Here we go.

You sure? I can hear him breathing.

Mouth to mouth might be redundant.

- Go on!

- Mouth to mouth.

- Do something!

- I'm doing my best.

Here we go.

This is serious.

It's serious.

I'm not a doctor.

Call someone!

I'm not a doctor.

For 3 years, dammit!

3 years!

How long were you going

to keep up the charade?

lt wasn't a charade.

Me paying for you to pretend

to go to med school isn't a charade?

I had no choice!

I want to act, that's my thing.

No choice?

How about the truth?

You ever tell the truth?

What would I gain?

You never believed in it.

You never thought

it was a real dream,

something I could do!

You'd never have agreed.

Look at me

and say you'd have approved.

Quit the sob story

of the unloved son.

I'll slap you.

Go on, maybe it'll change things.

Making me look like a fool

in front of my friends!

Give me your wallet.

What?

Give it to me!

See how you do with a debit card.

You serious?

That all you care about,

not giving me money?

Not only will I never give you

another cent,

but I hope I never see

your stupid mug again.

Finally!

Hey, man.

Your party not too much of a drag?

lt was okay.

What's the matter?

Actually...

Sam, c'mon! We've been waiting.

I'm coming, guys.

You got troubles?

Nope, no trouble. I'm just tired.

Thank you, Sam!

Give him a drink.

Yeppa!

Here's to you.

I'm running late. Sorry.

It's okay.

It's open!

I'm in the living room.

Sorry, I'm late.

I noticed.

I don't think

I can work on a scene today.

I can't even get my lines down.

But what's wrong?

Since when do you smoke that?

Since I've needed it.

Meaning?

None of your business.

So what's wrong?

Why don't you want to work?

I had a fight with my dad.

ls that all?

I thought it was serious.

Well, it is pretty serious.

He never wants to see me again.

You know what they say?

When the family's gone,

you still have your friends.

Do friends stay

when you let them down?

Yes.

Real friends do.

Kilo, over there!

No, Kilo!

Beat it.

- Have a nice evening.

- You, too.

I'll get your car, Ms. Ardant.

Do you mind if Samuel handles it?

No, no problem.

- He knows it well.

- I understand.

I'll get it right away.

Thank you.

Have a nice evening.

The dame gets a million per film

and not even a tip!

Did she tip you?

Tightwad.

Don't exaggerate. You can't judge.

- Tightwad.

- Okay, she's a tightwad.

- How's it going?

- Okay, and you?

- Here.

- Great.

Not a word to the others.

And not a word to my dad.

No, I'm busy!

- C'mon. Open up.

- I'm busy, man!

- Open up!

- I said I'm busy.

Open up, dammit!

What d'you want?

Jerkin' the gherkin?

No, I'm not "jerkin' the gherkin."

Then why lock the door?

I can't want privacy

if I'm not masturbating?

No, so let me in.

- Why not?

- Okay, I'm beating off.

You're jerking off.

And about to finish up.

You got a stiffy?

What porn do you use?

"Jacquie et Michel" is great.

No, nothing wild.

A threesome in POV

with busty milfs. I'm at the cumshot.

- Nice!

- There you are.

Way to go!

The chicks hot?

Dogs! Ugly chicks.

- So why?

- I'm joking. Of course they're hot.

Go check the fridge for a surprise.

Really?

- What is it?

- Go look.

Another treat?

Go look, champ.

World champion!

Thank you, Sam!

What a beaut! Hot damn!

I'll make you a colombo

that'll knock your socks off.

Here we go.

And with this,

Parkinson's my ass!

Look.

lt works well.

You know,

more and more hospital patients

are smoking it with me.

Really?

You bet.

Listen,

apart from that,

any progress with Maia?

I wouldn't say progress.

Call it a preliminary stage...

Get on with it!

Or someone else'll get the...

Don't make such a face.

Make no mistake:

If you hesitate, you'll lose her.

But you don't have to do

your Marceau dick mime.

Hear me out.

For 6 months

I hid my passion and fled.

I fled from you and suffered so.

These men mean nothing to me.

I love you.

Oh, my God!

How dare I speak so to your majesty?

What can I do?

Order me to die

and I will die.

My heart is filled with dread.

Forgive me.

Oh! Don't stop!

Ravish me!

No one has ever spoken to me so.

I'm listening.

Camille, it's Sam. Just to say

I sold all the meat,

so it would be good

to meet this week.

Maia?

What's going on?

- What is it?

- I'm okay.

I just get nosebleeds when I'm moved.

That's a new one.

You were great on that scene tonight.

You liked it?

Yeah.

We ought to work on it together.

Together,

both of us?

Yeah, sure.

I totally want to.

- You and me.

- Yes, totally you and me.

I've got your number,

so call me and we'll make a date.

If you've got my number,

why don't you call me?

Even better. Much smarter.

Obvious, in fact.

I'll call, and that's that.

You answer and say yes or no.

In fact, you answer, or you don't.

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