Fletch Lives

Los Angeles late at night is much like

any big American city late at night.

At 2:
00 a.m. People are either

making a mess or cleaning it up.

Tonight's my night

to do the cleaning up.

My name, most of the time,

is Irwin Fletcher.

I write under the name of Jane

Doe. That's the kind of gal I am.

This is a Greek seafood house,

part of a very successful chain.

But, believe me,

it's not because of the food.

113,000

from basketball.

List it as codfish.

120,000 from

the Gonzalez fight.

That includes 60 from

our chain in the Valley.

Twenty from Long Beach.

120 total.

Put that

under halibut.

180,000

from the track.

Scrod.

We already got over two

million in scrod this month.

Scrod's making a comeback,

all right?

So how are you listing

my stake?

Breakage.

$ 75,000 worth of breakage?

We're Greeks! We dance,

we break plates, we're clumsy!

Cut the fighting. We gotta

be cross town in 30 minutes.

You wanna wash up?

Nah. My wife gets suspicious if I come

home and my hands don't smell like fish.

I got it.

You get the lights.

Where's Poppa?

In the back.

Tell him to snap it up. We'll meet him

in the car. Phil, I'll drop you off first.

You better.

- Hi.

- What's your name, little lady?

My name? Peggy Lee... Zorba.

Peggy Lee Zorba.

- You're cute!

- Do you mind if I freshen up a little bit?

Splash a little water

on my face.

Whatever makes you

feel sexy.

Okay.

Just wait outside.

I'll be right out.

What the hell was that?

- Jesus.! If it's a cop, kill him.

- Hi. Mary Poppins!

If it's a reporter,

cripple him.

You're never driving again!

I just did what

you told me to do.

There's a new thing called

brakes.! Will you shut up.!

Good. Brilliant as usual, Fletch.

We'll run it in the next edition.

Great. See you

in two weeks.

Uh, Fletch, there's... "Uh, Fletch"?

Frank, I see a double-cross in your eyes.

You promised me a vacation and I'm

taking it. Right after the sewer story.

What are you talking about?

You can't do this to me.

I spent eight nights on my knees for you

dressed like Dolly Parton at a funeral.

I got felt up. I got

dishpan hands and sore knees!

Three guys tried to kill me.

And do you give a crap?

You promised me a vacation!

And you're gonna get a vacation.

As soon as you research and write the

sewer system expose. You owe me a vacation!

In July you're gonna have it!

That's two months away.

That's why you're such a great

reporter. You know the facts.

By the way, the new computer

disallowed your undocumented expenses.

- It'll come out of this week's pay.

- You can't do that.

There's nothing I can do about it. It's

amazing. It's all done automatically.

On top of everything else,

I think I'm getting my period.

No wonder I got a fumigation

alert. How'd you get in here?

The window was open.

I knocked, and I could swear

I heard you say, "Come in."

You really know how to cover your ass, Gillet.

Although those pants are a huge mistake.

You owe me $4,381

in back alimony.

What? I was married to you?

You're right. I've been foolishly

squandering my salary on food and heat.

You have one week to comply

with Judge Proctor's orders.

Payment in full.

Otherwise you go to jail.

Wendy doesn't need

the money.

I hear she's been... banging some

balding, wimpy lawyer who can't get it up.

- May I see that?

- Be my guest.

It's a nice briefcase.

Couldn't guess your weight?

Oh! I'm sorry.

I got it.

Never mind,

I'll take care of it.

Look at this. A note from

the Oakwood Potency Clinic.

"Sorry to inform you, our machines cannot

process sperm counts as low as yours."

Here we are. What

about this? Be careful!

Uh-oh!

I am terribly sorry!

You did that intentionally.

No, I did not. I really didn't.

That was good juice too.

Leave it alone.

Good idea. My mistake. Where

are you going with that?

My mess.

I'll clean it up.

- What are you doing?

- What's this?

You are damaging personal

property and I'm gonna...

The ink is running.

I didn't expect that.

There we are!

Clean as a whistle.

Thanks for coming by, Marvin.

Expect to hear from my lawyer.

Oh, Gillet, one more thing. Come

back here. It's very important.

They're doing a thing now where they make an

incision in the scalp, push the hair together.

Or you could try a transplant. Maybe the hair

from your ass might make you smarter. Bye.

Betty, how 'bout lunch

at the In-N-Out Burger?

I'm not hungry.

Forget the burger. How about

just the "in and out"?

Very well.

How about just the "in"?

Ooh!

Fletch, answer your phone.

In-N-Out Burger.

May I take your order please?

Mr. Irwin Fletcher?

This is Amanda Ray Ross. I

represented your Aunt Belle Fletcher.

Good ol' Aunt Belle.

How the hell is she?

She's deceased, Mr. Fletcher.

Oh. I guess she could be better.

- You're a hard man to find.

- I was touring with the Stones. What can I do for you?

Didn't you get my message?

No.

I'm the executor of your aunt's

will and as such I can inform you...

you are the major beneficiary of

your aunt's estate, Belle Isle.

What about this expense... $58

for leg waxing? That's bullshit.

Yeah, but feel how smooth

they are.

It consists of 80 acres

of old plantation property.

Wait a minute. Did you say

plantation? Yes, indeed.

She left it to me? According

to her will, she did.

- Can I get back to you?

- Hair by Ziggy? Who's Ziggy?

5-0-4... Shut up, Frank. Yeah.

I'll get right back to you.

Can't we just return some of these

things? What about the lingerie?

- I ate it.

- Be serious for one minute.

I quit.

I'm not unreasonable about

legitimate expenses. I quit, Frank.

Yeah. On the sewer story, I'm gonna

advance you for the hip boots and wet suit.

Frank, I'm really quitting.

Fletch, look, I got a little

A-frame up at Arrowhead.

Why don't you go there, take

a couple of weeks, relax?

I'm really gonna miss you.

Maybe that's an overstatement.

Treat this as good news. You can

always write my Jane Doe column.

You're not gonna quit,

and I'll tell you why.

Why? You have journalistic integrity.

Yeah. And you have a sense of loyalty.

And you'll never give up the

quest for truth, will you?

You're right. I can't abandon the principles

that nurtured me lo these many years.

Wrap them up with the sh*t on my desk and

have them shipped to my mansion in Louisiana.

Bye.

What happened?

And my husband said I was crazy to

go 2,000 miles to have my nose done.

That's an interesting watch.

Is it a prize of some sort?

No. It certainly looks like one.

It's a championship

Laker watch.

Oh! Are you a Laker?

I used to date one. Only thing

I have to remember him by.

Lord, what was that?

We just clipped a Piper Cub. The

pilot's okay. I just saw him parachuting.

I love a man

with a sense of humor.

What did you say

your name was?

Nostradamus.

I'm Cindy Mae Sample.

Nostradamus.

I love the Fightin' Irish.

Lord, I hate to fly. I wish I was

gettin' off in Thibodaux like you.

It's two more stops to Selma. All

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