Flirting with Disaster

My mother could be rich.

She could be rich and smart.

Or she could be rich and stupid.

On the other hand, she could be

just poor and good-hearted.

Or she could be poor and mean.

I mean, I-I have no idea

what she's like. It's--

And there's my father, right?

I look at guys on the street every day--

regular guys

walking down the street.

And depending on my mood, I imagine

that any one of them could be my father.

This guy.

How about this guy?

Hi, Dad.

Then I have to picture

these two people having sex.

Okay, maybe they're not together now.

But at least 30 years ago...

they had to hook up

in order to have me, right?

Mix and match, mix and match,

all these people together.

I can't help feeling...

that if I'd been raised

by at least one of my real parents...

I wouldn't be

such a nervous person, you know?

I might be living a completely different

life in a totally different city.

I could be married to a totally

different person with a different job.

I mean, how do I know? I don't.

Anything's possible.

Well, the mystery of your

unknown self is about to unfold.

Your mother lives

in San Diego, California.

Her name is Valerie Swaney.

Valerie Swaney?

I told you it wouldn't take long.

Can we arrange a meeting soon?

How's, um--

How's next month?

No, no. I told Nancy I'd do it sooner.

I-I've been driving her crazy.

Because you can't name your son?

I've just been distracted and tense

ever since the baby was born.

- A little unsteady?

- Preoccupied.

I heard a song 'bout

clouds and rainbows

I hum a tune

that sings like a dove

Found some words about anything

Anything but love

I paint a picture of my prison

With blue and grey

for the skies above

Framed and signed with a title

Anything but love

He had to go

but I won't miss him

I have got

better things to do

Like writing stories

and painting pictures

Of anything but love

Oh, anything but love

Anything but love

Nancy?

I'm in the bedroom!

Big news.

I got big news.

Hi, sweetie. You look great.

Why are you dressed like that?

Did you forget about our date?

Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- No. It's okay, you're here now.

- No, no, no. I feel so bad.

We're not gonna fight about it.

Look at you.

You look so sexy.

But I want to tell you

what I forgot.

- Take your shoes off.

- No, no, wait, wait. We have to talk.

- We have to talk. Talk.

- No. No. Honey, no talking.

No, no, we have to talk

about wh-why I'm late.

- Control freak, huh?

- No. Yeah, maybe I am a control freak.

- Control freak.

Don't!

- Nap time's over.

- Nap time's over.

Wait, wait. I'll get him.

I'll get him.

You don't have to put your pants on

to get the baby.

Honey, do you think

we're ever gonna have sex?

Definitely.

There, buddy, Yeah.

How ya doin'?

It's okay. Yeah, yeah.

You okay?

- We'll be out in one second.

- Oh.

I feel like I'm keeping you

from something.

No. No, no, no.

This is a priority.

Is this a bad time for your wife?

'Cause, you know, I could come back.

Not at all. We just need

a couple of minutes.

This is crazy.

I mean, all right, I feel guilty

'cause I missed the date.

I just gotta tell her. What am I

afraid of, right? This is stupid.

- Hey, here you go.

- No, no. This is good.

- What?

- This is good. You stay with Daddy.

- Keep his hands occupied.

- Oh, Nancy. Nancy. No, no, no.

Honey. Honey.

Can't we make another date, please?

Thi-- Sweetie, this is--

Sweetie, he's looking right down at you.

This isn't-- Oh. Oh, no, no. No.

No. Oh, no, no, no.

My real mother lives in San Diego.

- What?

- That's what I was trying to tell you.

I went to the adoption agency,

and they found my real mother.

Just like that?

You walked in, they found her?

Well, it was the second

trip, actually.

- Ohh.

- I know, I know.

- Honey.

- I know. So listen...

why don't you put something on

and come over and say hello to Tina.

- Who?

- The woman who helped

arrange everything.

This woman's in our apartment

right now? She's here?

Yeah. Well I-- You know,

I-I was trying to tell you before...

but you got all sexed up

and everything--

Well, I got sexed up

because we had a date, not because

I'm some kind of freak or something.

- I didn't say you were a freak.

Did I say you were a freak, honey?

- No.

- No, no. Come on, this is good, right?

- Hi. I'm Tina Kalb.

I'm sorry to burst in on you

like this...

but Mel said he didn't

want to waste any time.

That's all right. Nancy understands

how important this whole thing is.

- Great. The baby's gorgeous,

by the way. It looks just like Mel.

- Ohh.

Thanks. Really? You really think so?

Everybody always says he looks like me.

Well, what do I know?

I'm just another 30-year-old woman

desperate for a baby of her own.

Your husband

doesn't want to have kids?

Yeah, I'm in the middle

of a divorce, actually.

I just can't seem

to part with the ring.

- Sorry.

- Oh, no. You know, it was

one of those death marriages--

you know, the kind where you

have to start making dates to have sex.

Well, I'm sure it'll work out. I mean,

I'm sure you'll meet somebody else...

and you'll be happy

and you'll fall in love again...

- and things'll just be wonderful.

- Yeah, I don't know.

I think it might be easier

at this point...

just to find an intelligent man

to impregnate me.

I'm sorry. I don't understand

exactly who you are.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

She's-She's doing the study.

I'm gonna be coming along

to San Diego next week...

to document the reunion.

In fact, Nancy, I've got

some waivers that I need you to sign.

You see, there's such a dearth

of in-depth documentation...

into the psychological impact

that these reunions have...

on, for instance, you, the spouse,

as well as Mel's adoptive family.

- Ah, so you're a psychologist?

- Not quite.

I'm just finishing my doctorate.

Tina used to be a dancer.

Oh, those days are long gone. I--

Listen, I've gotta call the office.

Oh, there's a phone in the kitchen.

It's right there on your left.

- Got one right here.

- Well, next week?

- Yeah, yeah.

- God, that's soon.

Well, they're gonna pay for everything.

Isn't that great, sweetie? Honey?

After I had my baby,

I wanted my husband to stay home...

and help with night feedings...

not drag me on some plane

for San Diego.

I like travelling.

The baby's five months old.

I really think this is gonna get us

closer together.

Oh, honey, after you're married,

he feels like he's kissing his mother

half the time, anyway.

Our kissing is still nice, but he's

so controlling about the oral sex.

Well, have you tried

the warm water method?

- Are you kidding?

- No.

- You're kidding.

- No.Joe loves it.

- Hey.

- Oh, hi, Mel.

- Hi.

- Look what I found.

What did you find?

- What made you dig these out?

- Remember?

I don't know. I was just feeling

nostalgic for some reason.

That's so sweet. We found these

on our first field trip together.

Very sweet. Oh, congratulations

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