Flirting with Disaster Page #2

on finding your mother, Mel.

- Thank you.

- That oughta settle

some big issues for you, huh?

Definitely. Which issues

are you talking about?

- Starting with the whole sex thing.

- Sex. Baby's name. The baby's name.

- 'Cause you said Ethan--

- No, no, wait a minute.

She just said the sex thing.

- You said that Ethan was too feminine.

- Right.

- We were trying to think of a more

masculine baby name, right? So--

- Okay, but she said the sex thing.

- Didn't you just say the sex thing?

- But she meant that.

- Well, why don't you just let her

speak for herself? Wh-What did you mean?

- Well, tell him. Tell him. Go on.

Actually, it was oral sex

I was referring to.

Oral sex, really?

I think I just walked in...

- on a ladies' conversation

that guys aren't supposed to--

- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I-- I'm gonna go.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- I'm gonna leave.

- No, stay.

- No. No. Leave.

- Don't go. Come on.

- Go. Stay? No.

- Honey, we weren't talking about us.

- I-- What?

- We wouldn't-- I wouldn't--

- No. I know.

- You've gotta know that.

- I know that so much.

- Bye.

- So true.

Hey, I didn't go around telling my

friends you didn't want to make love...

for almost two months

after the baby was born, did I?

- Probably.

- Okay, but it didn't

get back to you, did it? Huh?

Are you sure you're okay

about this woman coming along?

It's not weird or anything?

Well, it's a little strange

to be travelling with a chaperone.

But if you're okay with it,

I'm okay with it.

Well, it's just, she's been through

the process so many times.

I think it's a good thing.

Honey, if this helps you

get what you need inside...

- then I'm all for it.

- Thanks, sweetie.

This cheese is disgusting.

Get it away from me.

- What's wrong with this cheese?

- It smells like vomit.

- Oh, stop being such a baby.

- Mom, Dad, this is Tina.

- I'm a baby who smells like vomit?

- Yes.

- You okay?

- Nancy, did you get

that support bra yet?

- Not yet.

- What are you waiting for?

- Hey, I want to introduce you

to somebody.

Please don't make

such a big deal out of it.

- It makes a real difference.

- All right, could we not talk

about this right now?

Uh, yes, we're gonna talk about this

because she's not listening to me.

- I want you to see something.

- Ohh.

- Very nice, Pearl.

- For God's sake.

- I want you to consider my age

and ask yourself how I maintain this.

- Mom, why are you doing this?

- How? I don't know. How?

- This is it. All right, can we

not deal with this right now, please?

- I couldn't have a baby.

But I had to fight the laws

of gravity just the same...

and you need the help

of a good bra.

And believe you me, if you want

to keep your husband's attention,

you'll get one pronto.

You know, if my breasts drop, they drop,

and there's nothing I can do about that.

- Wrong!

- That's right. Good for you, honey.

- Wrong!

-Just back off, will ya?

- You've had five of these.

- I don't think--

- Don't monitor me.

- Your new friend is, uh,

very long-waisted, isn't she?

- Okay, that's it!

- We're not talking

about this any more, okay?

- It's a free country.

- Why can't I talk?

- Let him alone.

You're making an ass

out of yourself again!

- Why don't you leave me alone!

Why don't you just have a little sniff?

- Don't do that. Hey, hey.

- The baby's crying.

- Get that away from me,

or I'll smack it off.

- Yeah, you're gonna beat me up

in front of all these people?

- Don't tempt me!

Would you stop acting like this?

That's it! All right?

- Don't yell in front of the baby.

- Don't yell in front of the baby.

It's not good.

Well, he wouldn't have to yell

if you'd listen to him for two seconds!

Well, what's gotten into my sweet

daughter-in-law all of a sudden?

- Hormones. No mystery there.

- Does this baby have a name yet?

- Four months old, doesn't have a name.

- Well, don't blame me.

- I like the name Ethan.

- Oh, no, no. Ethan's too lame.

- Everything's too lame, too bold.

- This is becoming an embarrassing,

neurotic thing, Mel.

It's not an embarrassing, neurotic

thing. This is about my real identity.

- It's about my background, okay?

- Don't be ridiculous.

You're Mel Coplin.

That's who you are.

You know, this process will go

a long way towards clarifying

that identity issue.

What process? Who is this new friend

with the camera already?

I've only been trying to introduce

you to her for the last ten minutes.

- Her name is Tina Kalb, and she's here

for a very important reason.

- You're getting a divorce.

-She's a counsellor. No, she's a lawyer.

-Would you-- Would you just zip it?

- Don't talk to your mother like that.

- We're not getting a divorce.

Maybe you should

if you can't name the baby.

- That is a terrible,

sick thing to say, Ed!

- You said it first!

- That's no excuse!

- If you say it, fine.

If I say it, I'm sick.

- Maybe.

- Tina is with the adoption agency.

- What adoption agency?

- The adoption agency

where you adopted me.

- When I was a little baby, remember?

- Oh, my God!

Oh, God. I have to have a cigarette

if we're gonna talk about this.

- Can I bum one of those?

- No, you can't smoke around the baby.

- Show a little compassion, will you?

- This might be a good time

to make an exception. For her.

- Pearl!

- I'd like to know what happened

to the Constitution in this country.

- Please, can you please put it out?

- Oh, all right, all right!

Why does he have to do this roots thing?

Aren't we good enough parents?

I think you probably

did the best that you could,

but psychic scars can't be helped.

Psychic scars?

What is she talking about?

She's saying we failed completely.

- That's way too extreme.

- Yeah, maybe just 40 percent.

Mom, you can't quantify it like that.

I mean, what difference does it make...

if it's 40 percent or 60 percent?

Sixty percent?

Why is everybody getting

so serious all of a sudden?

I thought we were gonna talk

about buying new carpeting...

getting rid of this crap,

putting in the wall-to-wall.

Life is so rich, so full.

You have a wife,

a child, a good job.

Why are you doing this?

If I could pop in here for a second,

I think that what Mel is trying

to communicate here...

is that no matter where we are in our

lives, especially if we're adopted...

we can't help but feel

that there's something missing--

that there's something out there

that's going to make us feel...

complete, give us a sense of belonging,

connectedness if you will.

This woman strikes me

as being very dangerous.

It's understandable

that you would find me threatening.

Why don't you psychoanalyze me?

I'd love to hear this. Go ahead.

I'm, uh, abrasive,

pushy, defensive.

My husband is, uh, food-phobic,

passive-aggressive.

- Huh? Come on. Come on.

- Look, the point is, we're going

to San Diego in the morning, and--

What about your father's 60th birthday?

Well, if you'd let me finish what

I'm saying, I'd say that we have every

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