Flirting with Disaster Page #3

intention of coming back for it.

You are aware that they have a very big

car theft problem in San Diego.

- No, I wasn't aware of that.

- Oh, yes, very big.

I hadn't heard anything

about that either.

They bump you,

and when you stop...

they mutilate you

and then take your car.

- It happened to Art Sackhein.

- What?

- They killed Art Sackhein?

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

They bumped him and took his car.

Nobody said anything about killing.

- You said mutilate.

- Anyway--

- Please.

Enjoy yourself. I understand

they have a lovely zoo in San Diego.

- Are you ready for San Diego?

- Yeah!

- Yes.

- God, you look beautiful.

- So do you.

Oh, thanks.

You know, maybe I'll just--

I'll run upstairs really quickly

and change, 'cause I don't think--

- Don't be silly. You look adorable.

- You look so elegant.

- Honey.

- I love that print. Come on.

- Honey, you look great. Come on.

Do you have the keys?

I left with the feeling

this road was endless

Now it seems there's three days

to heaven, it's okay

'Cause these wheels

are takin'me home again

It's all right

I've got three days to heaven

then I'm gonna make you mine

Boy, it's beautiful, here, isn't it?

Sweetie, I'm so happy

we're doing this together.

- Watch the road, please.

- Me too.

- How's the baby's diaper?

- He's fine.

- Good.

- What's that?

Oh, my God. It's happening. Sh*t!

- Oh, God, no.

- What's happening?

It's the bump and rob.

This is it.

- Get down!

- What? What?

- Get down with the baby!

- He's gaining on us!

- Yo, slow down!

- Back off, Jack!

- Pull over!

- How do you close this window?

- Wait. I've got some Mace in my bag.

- Damn it.

- It's not working!

- Listen to what he has to say.

- Here it is.

- Mace him!

- Yeah, get him!

- No!

F***er!

You left your jacket

in the parking lot.

A**hole!

Thank you for the jacket.

Sorry about the Mace.

Very sorry, sir.

''The Trinity Church Ministry of Hope.''

Oh, my God!

They bump you,

and when you stop...

they mutilate you

and take your car.

- I don't think it's funny at all.

I mean, his father created this fear--

- It is too funny.

- It's funny.

- Would you two, both of you,

just stop, please?

- And then--

- We're almost there.

- I'm getting nervous.

- Really, I'm not surprised

at his reaction or by my reaction.

- Okay, just breathe.

- Ohh.

- Should I ring the doorbell?

- Okay.

- I mean, no. Wait, wait, wait.

I told you to wait.

- You said yes first.

- You didn't give me a chance to say no.

- Well, I would've, but--

- Hi!

- Hi.

- Hi.

Oh, what a pretty wife you have!

And I see you've brought your nanny.

- Oh, I'm not the nanny. I'm the wife.

- Oh, excuse me.

- What a terrible way to start.

- Oh, don't be silly.

I'm Tina Kalb from

the Maidstone Adoption Agency.

- Right.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Valerie Swaney.

- Mel Coplin.

- This is great.

I love the stained glass.

- Lovely.

- Thank you.

- Oh!

- Now, he was a great president.

You know, I always felt like

I should've appreciated him more.

I know just what you mean.

Come on, let's get something to drink.

Your daddy was short.

That would explain it.

And we have the same forehead,

don't we?

And the same eyes. Oh.

This is amazing. I never shared

physical traits with family before.

I'm a bad person

for what I did to you.

- No, don't say that.

- It's true.

Look, Tina says that most women

who gave up their children

for adoption in the '60s...

were independent young women

acting against a conservative world.

- You're sayin' I was a slut?

- No.

- Oh, God!

- I didn't think-- You're not a slut.

I was tall,

and I developed earlier--

If that's a crime, go ahead and sue me,

but I am not from trashy people.

- Really, I wasn't

suggesting that at all.

- Your daddy was poor.

He worked in my father's

liquor warehouse in Baton Rouge.

- Really? Baton Rouge.

- That's where you were conceived.

In the liquor warehouse

on the cement floor...

- Wow!

- in Baton Rouge.

Oh, my parents hated Lars.

- Lars Waara was his name.

- Waara? Lars Waara!

- What kind of name is that?

- Finnish.

- Finnish? I'm Finnish.

- I knew that.

I mean, look at your face.

Absolutely.

Finnish-American.

Half Scottish-American.

Scottish-Finnish. What is that?

I don't know how to do that. That's--

I'm gonna help.

I'm gonna help you with that.

This belonged to my

great-great-grandmama

who was of the Clan Bucanon...

- Wow!

- married to the Confederate

General Beauregard.

- I want you to have it.

- A Confederate general?

Mm-hmm.

Expert boxer and marksman.

- Really? Wow!

- Wow!

- What an athletic family, huh?

- I was on two championship

basketball teams myself.

- I'm not athletic at all.

- Look at this picture. This is--

Let's name the baby Beauregard, huh?

- Beauregard?

- Beau. Beau Coplin.

- Beau?

- I'm so touched.

- Beau Coplin. Ah, yeah!

- Oh, damn it!

- What?

- The camera just jammed.

- You didn't get that just now?

- No, and that was a terrific moment.

- Let me see.

- Forget the camera.

- No, I can't.

- No, forget-- That's-- Forget about it.

- What? Don't you want

to get it on tape?

- I'd like to have it on tape.

- I know. I'm sorry.

- Uh, the light's better

in the living room.

- Look, honey, I'll be right back, okay?

- I-I don't know what happened.

- He's a very decisive man, isn't he?

- Well, actually he's not.

But today, for some reason--

Do you see that, that wheel in there?

There's like a glob of gunk.

- Yeah, I do.

- Tar.

- We need something to wipe it off with.

- If we could get like a--

- What? You know what? I don't--

Let's just use my skirt.

- Your skirt?

- I don't care about it. It's old.

- Really? Okay.

-Just hold this, okay?

- Okay. Here.

-Just-- If you can--

- Hold still.

- Yeah. Okay.

I'm Beauregard from Dixie, hooray--

Technically, he's from New York.

Right?

- I'm sorry. Oh. I'm sorry.

- Well--

- Uh, you got it, though. You got it.

- Good.

- Yeah. So how long did you say

you were a dancer for?

- Oh, God, don't remind me.

- I haven't been to the gym in months.

- Well, you don't seem like

you need to go to the gym.

- I mean--

- Well, you're very generous.

- Yeah.

- But when I was dancing, you know,

my calves did not look like this.

- Those look like

very strong calves to me.

- Well, strong, yeah.

They've always been strong.

When I was a kid, you know...

I used to beat my brothers

at Indian wrestling all the time.

Away down south in Dixie

He's a little cracker.

- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not a cracker.

- You can't deny--

- I'm not a cracker!

- Ohh.

You feel it in your legs?

It's really more about upper-body

strength, isn't it?

- No, it's all in the legs.

- How?

You'll see

when you lose your balance.

- Oh!

- What in the world?

Oh, my Lord!

My Chinese zodiac is ruined!

- I am so sorry. I really feel badly.

- Oh, my goodness. My animals.

- What else happened?

- We were just in here,

and then, um, freak accident.

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