Flirting with Disaster Page #4

- I'm so sorry.

- Yeah.Just--

- The shelf--

- What happened to the tail

of my rooster?

- You mean-- Is this it, maybe?

- No.

- That's the dog's pillow.

Oh.

Well, don't throw it!

I want to pay for all this.

Can I do that, please?

- Absolutely not.

- Why not?

All children break things,

and all children are forgiven.

Now, you have never had

that opportunity with me.

Let's take this

as a gift from God.

And look, here's

another gift from God.

Ohhh, well, why is that

a gift from God?

The rabbit is still in one piece,

and both you and your daddy

were Year of the Rabbit.

I always thought it was

Year of the Dragon, at least in all

those Chinese restaurant place mats.

No, no, no. Lars is 1939.

You're 1963.

- Those are both rabbit years.

- Actually, I was born in '65.

- Don't you think I know

when my own son was born?

- 'Course you do, Valerie.

Wait, that would make me two years

older than I thought I was. Wow!

- How? How is that?

- You know what? I can clear this up

with one phone call to the office.

- Yeah, why don't you make sure?

This really-- It kind of freaks me out.

- Mom, why are those cars here?

- Hey, girls, look who's here!

- What happened to your glass animals?

Oh, these are my twins

from my third marriage.

- This is Jane, and this is Sandra.

- Hello.

- This is your half brother, Mel.

- He looks just like Uncle Freddie.

- Oh, man!

- Look at his nose.

- What's so funny?

- What's so funny?

- He looks just like Uncle Freddie.

Yes, he does.

Why didn't I see that?

Oh, Uncle Freddie. I'm flattered.

What's he like?

He's really sweet-natured. He's just

that weird thing. What do you call it?

- ''Frateurist.''

- Yeah, he's a frateurist.

- Frateurist? What's that?

- You rub up against people

in crowded public places.

- That's how I met Mel.

- Seriously?

- No, she's kidding.

- This is not something to kid about.

- Yeah. He went to jail for it.

- Oh.

- Can he come to the beach?

- Oh, honey, I don't think

he's got time for that, Jane.

- Why not?

- We're in the volleyball finals.

- He can wear one of my shirts.

- Oh, yeah, give him a shirt.

- We'll go down to the beach. This is--

- You girls!

- We're in the championship.

- Oh, man, you should've

been there yesterday.

- Wow. Uh-huh.

- It was so amazing.

- It was match point.

- Match point.

- I went up for the spike.

- She went up for the spike.

- Shut up. Let me talk.

- So I went up for the spike.

- It was so intense.

She went up for the spike--

- Shut up!

- Girls, girls, calm down!

- Listen, I, I, I don't believe this...

but there's been

a terrible, terrible mistake.

And Valerie's

not your mother, Mel.

- What?

- What are you talking about?

Of course she's my mother.

- We have the same forehead.

- And he looks like Uncle Freddie.

- Yeah, I look like Uncle Freddie.

Please, just don't make this any harder

on yourself than it already is.

- Are you positive?

- Yes.

- He's not our brother?

How could you make

a mistake like that? I--

Well, our computer files

were in transition...

and Valerie's son

is named Martin Coplin...

- and he lives in Orlando, Florida--

- What? My son? Who is this man?

Not your son. Mel,

your father is named, uh...

Fritz Boudreau,

and he lives in Gundall, Michigan.

- So I was thinking, maybe on our way

to New York, we could stop off or--

- Who are these people in my home?

-I feel like a complete idiot. I'm so--

-Well, I take these people into my home.

- I know.

- We fly all the way out here,

we have this big, tearful reunion--

- Their child is here.

Yeah, well, get it out, Nancy. It's

gonna make us all feel a lot better.

- Are you humouring me?

- No, I am not humouring you.

- I don't think this is funny.

- I'm very serious. I certainly don't--

- Excuse-- No, excuse me!

I expect you to pay for this damage.

Well, w-wait a minute. You said

it was a gift from God. Remember?

That's when you were my son.

- Well, don't you have

insurance or something?

- And raise my premiums?

No, thank you. May I have

my pendant back, please?

- Can we have our shirt back?

- We'd let you keep it. It's just that

we don't have very many of them.

- Yeah. There's only, like, ten left.

- Yeah. No, sure.

- I'm sorry.

- Sorry.

- I understand.

- Thanks.

- Have a nice life.

- Yeah, good luck with this

whole family thing, you know.

- Thank you.

- I hope it works out for you.

You have my other knee pad?

How could you be related? How?

She is a six-foot blonde descendant

from the clan Bucanon.

We were only trying

to be open to them.

Well, we could be open with them,

but we don't have to become them.

I thought she was my mother.

Come on, give me a break.

How did you happen to knock down

those glass shelves, anyway?

I don't know. I just--

You know, we were trying to fix

the camera, and we bumped into them.

It's strange you would just

happen to bump into them.

Well, we were also

Indian wrestling.

Indian wrestling?

What is that?

It's just this game that kids play.

It's a very innocent little kids' game.

Why were you playing that?

Because we were talking

about athleticism in Tina's family...

and then how Valerie's family

was athletic also, and-- I don't know.

- You're attracted to her, aren't you?

- No.

That's okay.

She's attractive.

Yeah, she's attractive,

but I'm, I'm married to you.

You know, she may be attractive,

but she's got a screw loose.

Yes, I agree with you.

She's very eccentric.

But I'm definitely--

I'm in love with you, honey. Honey?

The revolution

came and left today

Nobody knew it came and went

And so did Judgement Day

In somebody else's body

With someone else's head

In somebody else's body

When I was someone else instead

In somebody else's body

With someone else's head

When you're in somebody else's body

- In someone else's bed

- Hey, I think this is the place.

- This looks muy macho, doesn't it?

- Creepy to me.

Oh, no, look.

Somebody's coming out, Mel.

Hey! Hi!

- Excuse me. Is one of you fellows

Fritz Boudreau?

- Hey!

- Did I invite you onto my property?

- Hey, take it easy! Take it easy!

- Tina, don't go over there!

- Hey! Oh, my God!

Would you let me explain?

We can talk about--

- F***! Run!

- What's happening?

F***! The car's this way!

Would you stay away!

Son of a b*tch!

- Doesn't he want to see me?

- Well, I felt so bad about San Diego,

I bent the rules a little bit.

- Did you-- Did he-- Did you call them?

- Yes, I tried to!

- His phone isn't working.

- What the f*** you people

talking about?

We just wanted to know if one of you

is Fritz Boudreau, because they said

he was my father.

What did they say?

Who said I'm your father?

- She did.

- The Maidstone Adoption Agency.

Why, you little sh*t!

Look at this turd face, Mitch!

This turd is my son.

I'm sorry, man. Did we scare you?

- Yeah, a little.

- A little bit.

- We were scared too.

How did we know? I dropped

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