Flirting with Disaster Page #5

a lot of baby batter in my day.

- This is the first son I ever met.

- Wow.

- What a wonderful moment.

- I wish I had my camera.

- You picked a hell of a time

to drop by, turd face.

- Well, your phone wasn't working.

- Nah, I don't need no son to give me

no guilt trip about a phone.

Fritzie, Fritzie,

we gotta get goin', pal.

- Remember?

- Sh*t.

- What?

- Come on.

- Goin' somewhere?

- Yeah.

- Where do you have to go?

- We gotta get the wheels balanced

for a big trip tomorrow.

- Where you goin'?

- After Eugene balances the wheels...

- we're gonna be out

for about three weeks.

- Three weeks? Really?

- Damn.

- Bad timing.

- Why don't we bring 'em along?

Huh? You know, it's only

- Yeah. Come on with us.

- What? In the truck?

- Hey, you ever been in a truck before?

- No, not really.

How do you like this?

First time in a rig, huh?

- It's great.

- It's really fabulous, Mr Boudreau.

Some people look down on drivers,

like we're low class.

Not me. I always wanted to learn

how to drive a big rig.

- You never told me that.

- Well, I might not have voiced it

until now...

-but it's always been a fantasy of mine.

-You want a lesson?

- You'd give me a lesson?

- Sure! Why not?

Let's not do this

while the baby's in the truck.

- Don't you trust me?

- Of course I trust you.

- But he's never done this before.

- She's not gonna let you drive

the truck, so forget about it.

- Are you sayin' my son's a b*tch boy?

- I didn't say that!

- What's your name again?

- Mel.

You ain't no b*tch boy,

are ya, Mel?

No, I don't believe

I'm a b*tch boy.

Don't let him bait you

into doing something stupid, Mel.

Nancy, Mel needs your support now.

- Yeah, I need your support, honey.

- Yeah.

- I support you, Mel.

- Me too!

I wanna get out.

You're acting like a real a**hole.

P*ssy-whipped.

We're comin' back in 15 minutes.

What's the big deal?

Hey! Get away!

Have a great trip, okay?

- We'll be supporting you from out here.

May I have my baby, please?

- Nancy.

Just send us a postcard,

'cause we'll be right here

at the Gundall Post Office, okay?

This isn't gonna take long, honey.

Just calm down.

So remember,

it's like a butterfly's wings.

Use a little gas, a little clutch.

- A little gas, a little clutch.

- A little gas, a little clutch.

What happens if I hit this?

- What does that do? Is that okay?

- You know somethin'? You got a--

You got a kind of Jew look, don't you?

Well, the people who raised me

are Jewish. Maybe that's

what you're picking up on.

They-They gave you

a real ''Hebe'' look, kid.

- Mitch, don't say that.

That's not nice.

- Wait a second. Wait--

No, it's not a Jew face. It's--

It's a face like Old Needledick's!

Yeah! You're not in some kind

of science, are you, kid?

Science? Actually,

I'm an entomologist.

-Entomologist sounds like science to me.

-Wait, wait, wait.

Who's-Who's Old Needledick?

What are you talking about?

When I met your mother, I was ridin'

with the Angels in Oakland, Cal.

- Uh-huh. The Hell's Angels? Uh-huh.

- Yeah.

And we got invited

to all these fancy parties...

because rich people liked

to hang around with the Angels...

and musical bands and whatnot.

And your mother

meets this guy, Richard Schlich--

- I can never pronounce

that cocksucker's name.

- Schlichling.

Okay, okay. So she meets this guy,

Richard Schlich-- Schlichling.

-And what? What? They went off together?

-They ran off together...

to Antelope Wells.

- You're saying--

- This can't be happening.

You're saying you're not sure

if you're my father?

- I'm sorry to disappoint you.

- But the records show...

that-that you're the one

who brought him into the agency.

I did a good deed as a favour, because

his mother and father were indisposed.

- Indisposed how?

- You'll have to ask your mother

about that.

But we don't know where she is.

So isn't it possible...

that you got her pregnant

before she left you?

- No, no, no! With this face,

this science thing--

- Hey, we're movin' backwards here.

- Where's the brake? Do I--

- Put it in first.

Oh, my God! Mel!

I don't think it's wrong

to want to take a driving lesson

with your father, right?

- I'm not speaking to you.

- Sweetie, I'm sorry about this.

Give me a kiss.

Sweetie, give me--

- Hey, Mr Boudreau,

where is Antelope Wells?

- Please step off.

- Sorry, do you know

where Antelope Wells is?

- I have no idea.Just--

She doesn't know

what the hell she's doing.

That man was a lunatic, a stranger!

- Okay, okay.

- Mr Boudreau, please, before you go...

- Tommy, get her off me! Move!

-just tell me where Antelope Wells is.

- When I say step off, I mean step off!

- Hey! I am from New York, okay?

On the upside, Antelope Wells

should be warmer than this place.

So we're just gonna jump on a plane

to New Mexico? Is that it?

Well, I think that we should finish

what we started.

Agent Paul Harmon,

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

This is Agent Tony Kent.

Now let's see.

You, uh, you thought this

Fritz Boudreau was your father,

but, in fact, he's not your father.

- Well, no, I--

- Tony. Tony Kent.

- Nancy Curwin.

- This is unbelievable!

We went to high school

together in Chicago.

- You look fantastic!

- Now--

- No!

- God!

- What are you doing in this police job?

Oh, I need a health plan

while I'm writing my first book.

What are you doing now?

- I'm curating.

- Excuse me. Excuse me. There's

something here we gotta take care of.

- Okay?

- I'm sorry, Paul. Go ahead.

You do know it's a Federal offence

to destroy a United States post office.

Well, it wasn't like it was

some premeditated act of terrorism.

- You know what I mean?

- I'll be the judge of that.

Now, the ostensible purpose

for this truck ride was what exactly?

He was giving me a lesson.

It was very simple.

- He just wanted to teach me

how to drive the truck.

- This baby is beautiful.

- Thanks.

- Oh, gorgeous blue eyes.

- Tony, Tony, Tony.

- You know, he looks a lot like you.

- Tony. Tony.

- Thank you.

-Just-- In a minute.

- Give the baby back.

- Hey, feel his little grip.

It's so strong.

- Feel it.

-Jesus Christ!

- Hey.

- I'm s-- I'm--

- You're under way too much stress.

- Listen, this man drove a semi

into a Federal building.

You were gonna give him a warning.

It's an accident, remember.

- There's certain procedures

that you have to follow.

- Right. He's got a valid licence.

- Not to drive a truck! He does not!

- It was the trucker's fault...

- for letting him drive

in the first place.

- All right, okay.

Can I talk with you in private?

This is my investigation.

- I just said you didn't

have to suspend his licence.

- Here, I'll take the baby.

- You gotta start taking the job--

- So what's the deal with this guy, huh?

- We went to high school together.

- You just went to high school together?

- Mm-hmm.

- Did you know him well, or is it--

- He was on the football team.

- Oh, the football team. Oh.

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