Flirting with Disaster Page #6

- It's not a murder.

It's-It's not a bank robbery.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

-Just cut the baby crap.

- Oh, all right. I'm sorry.

So it looks like

this Boudreau fellow...

is gonna take the rap

for you driving the truck, so...

I'm just gonna give you a warning.

But I'm-- If you--

If you drive a truck again, they're

gonna take your licence away for sure.

- Okay.

- You understand?

Yes, I understand. Thank you.

- Is that it? Are we free to go now?

- You are free to go, yes.

- Great. Let's get out of here.

- Uh, hey, do you guys

have a place to stay tonight?

- Probably check into a motel.

- No, don't do that.

- There's so many wonderful B-and-B's

right here in Lake Michigan.

- Oh, I hate B-and-B's.

-Why do you hate B-and-B's?

-Well, first of all, there's no privacy.

- No privacy. Uh-huh.

- Yeah. And you have to,

you have to make chitchat...

- with the boring old lady

who runs the place--

- That's kind of the fun, isn't it?

Yeah, there's always the little cat,

little cat-- You have to pretend

like you like the cat.

Yeah, well, whatever we do, we need

to eat first, 'cause I'm starving.

- Why don't we take you out to dinner?

- Are we apologizing for the arrest?

No, but it would be nice

to catch up with Nancy.

- We could take them to Minetti's.

- Minetti's is great...

- but you're not gonna get a reservation

this time of night at Minetti's.

- You know what? Thanks. Thanks anyway.

- But we'll be fine, really.

- See? We don't want to intrude, Tony.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't be silly.

We're getting sick of each other's

company anyways.

- Oh.

- You see? I told you.

- Hey, stop that!

- I can't believe you're a writer now.

Well, an aspiring writer.

I'm trying to get this whole book

together, this crime fiction thing.

You were such a jock in high school.

You were so wild.

I know. And you were

such an egghead, remember?

- No.

- You were an egghead.

- No!

- So what I'm asking is, you fly

into Albuquerque and then rent a car...

- We're going to Texas tomorrow.

- and how far--

- It's way down. Way down at the

southeastern corner of the state.

- Wait. Excuse me.

Have you been there before?

- It's almost in Mexico, in fact.

I've been near there.

- Antelope Wells is right near

the White Sands National Monument.

- Uh-huh.

They've got this fantastic,

uh, hot springs nearby

that not many people know about.

Oh, I wish you could come along and show

me around while Mel meets his family.

- You have the personal days.

You should do it, Paul.

- I can't take time off work right now.

- Unbelievable line at the bathroom!

- I told 'em they gotta get

a bigger bathroom.

Look at him. He loves you.

You're wonderful with children.

Oh, I want one of these

so badly. I'm telling you.

Hey, could you help me out

with an adoption, Tina?

Well, that depends on the specifics

of your situation.

- Well, like what?

- Number one:
Are you married?

- Yes.

- Number two:
Does your spouse work?

- Yeah.

- And is she willing to adopt?

- You see, that's where the snag is.

Then you've got a real problem.

What would my chances be

as a single parent?

- Excuse me, please.

- Why can't you stay and discuss this?

- 'Cause I believe in privacy,

that's why.

- Right. We have nothing

to be ashamed of, though.

Because I don't want

to share my personal life

with everybody I meet, okay?

She's not just anyone.

She works in an adoption agency.

I thought that she

could be helpful. God!

You know, I keep telling him

that having a baby will reduce stress

by taking his mind off work...

but he just--

he doesn't listen, you know?

So where did you folks come down

on the big circumcision controversy?

'Cause, you know, there's a movement

afoot these days to keep the foreskin...

and, personally, I think a boy's penis

should look just like his father's.

- You know?

- Yeah, mm-hmm.

- Can I have the baby?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Here we go. Oh, so cute.

My late husband devised

his own anti-erosion system...

that later on we had patented

on the advice of a dear friend...

who was in a law office

with Gerald Ford.

My brother has the same birthday

as President Ford...

who is a very sweet man.

We met him twice.

Once at a political rally

and once at a golf tournament.

And his wife

is such a sweet lady.

Betty Ford is so pretty.

And why couldn't we go to a motel?

Because at a motel

we don't have the bonus...

of someone related

to Gerald Ford's birthday.

We forgot your father's birthday.

Oh, f***.

- Hello?

- Hi, Mom.

So, how's the psychic healing going?

I am really sorry we didn't

get back for Dad's birthday.

It's all right. We'll try it again

when he turns 65...

provided he lives that long

and you're not too busy.

- I said I was sorry.

- Why are you whispering?

- Because I'm not supposed

to be using this phone.

- Are you all right?

We're fine. It's just--

There was a big mix-up in San Diego...

and then I ended up flattening

a post office with a truck.

- What truck?

- Truck? What's happening with a truck?

We had the wrong information.

But we have the right information now,

and we're going to New Mexico.

- New Mexico?

- Tell him they got uranium

in the water down there.

Shush. He's in

some kind of trouble.

- Did your car get bumped in San Diego?

- No!

I mean, yes, there was

a minor incident. Nothing--

No, no! We don't do this here,

unless it's an emergency.

- What's the emergency?

- Is it the baby?

-Oh, my God! What's wrong with the baby?

-The baby is fine.

- Good. Then hang up.

- Do you need help?

- Things aren't--

- Do you see this sign?

''No phone calls after 8:00 p.m.

- Use gas station at corner.''

- All right. Could I, could I

just have 30 seconds, please?

No. Do you want to pay

my phone bills?

- Thirty seconds.

- Hang up!

- Is that tyrant your mother?

- No. I have to go, all right?

- We're gonna be with the Schlichtings.

- The ''Shitkings''?

- What kind of a name is Shitking?

- Schlichting. Schlichting.

They're my parents.

- What kind of a name is Shitking?

- Verboten means verboten!

- I don't know.

I think it's German.

We're gonna be in Antelope Wells.

Hello? Mel?

- I used my calling card.

- That's not the point!

I think something terrible

is happening to him.

- Calm down, calm down.

- I can't calm down!

- What did he say?

- We have to do something.

- All right, well, we'll call back.

- We can't call back.

He's on his way

to New Mexico, for God's sake!

Who knows what kind of people he's with?

Anything is possible.

Don't say that!

You're starting to scare me.

- I am not. You were already scared.

- I was not!

- Yes, you were.

- Eddie, we have to do something!

Like what?

There's nothing we can do.

- The kitchen's off-limits after 8:00.

- What are you, her spy?

- Why didn't you use Tina's phone?

- 'Cause Tina's phone isn't working.

You know, it's starting to feel like

this whole thing is a big waste of time.

- You're feeling frustrated.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes