Flypaper Page #5

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, guess you did blow the last one.

Well, now, you also took one for the team

with your ear and all, so...

I got an idea.

Hey, Bono!

What say we borrow one of the hostages?

They is half ours, ain't they?

You wanna pick teams or something? Eh?

-The hottie.

-Mother-roo.

Okay, we'll take the sort of quasi-hottie.

Oh, I think you're a full-on hottie.

GATES:
All right, I'll take, uh...

Oh, f*** it, cue ball and creepy mustache

with me.

Black chick, freak show

and closet homosexual with them.

-What?

-I need to go to the lavatory.

Didn't you just piss? What, you gotta re-piss?

What, is there something wrong

with your willy?

No, I just... I need... I have e bit of e condition.

All right, f*** it, go on.

(DOOR CLOSES)

PEANUT BUTTER:
Okay,

now for the sake of team spirit,

-we gonna be called the Badgers.

-Mystic Lightning!

What? No, not Mystic Lightning.

I hate that name.

Oh, so, what, badgers are cool?

Badgers are tunnel-dwelling rodents

who live on garbage and poop, dude.

They are not inspirational animals.

Bro, you got to choose

Peanut Butter and Jelly. I get this one.

Fine.

Okay, so, for our first activity,

we need one very special badger,

preferably who can read Chinese,

to detonate some totally not dangerous

explosives for us.

Dude, if you ask like that,

no one is gonna volunteer.

-I'll do it.

-What?

(WHISPERING) I need to see Jack Hayes.

-See?

-All right.

The man is dead.

There's nothing you can do for him.

-Oh, my God, you like me.

-I do not like you.

-This is really unexpected.

-Oh, my God, I don't like you.

I really didn't think I had a shot.

How is Max gonna react to this?

You know what? F*** off. Go get maimed.

See if I care. Go on, beat it.

-I'm not gay.

-This is not the time.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Okay, now here's what's supposed to happen.

You jam the igniter into the C-4,

you stroll casually to a safe location,

and I press the detonator.

Here's what's actually gonna happen.

Igniter into C-4, huge explosion,

and you get launched across the bank

and we find you in a pile of rubble. Okay?

Good luck.

Okay, bro, good to go!

(EXHALES)

-He is not the smartest badger.

-No.

(BEEPING)

Huh.

Mother-roo.

Son of a b*tch!

New rule! From here on out,

we only rob human beings.

This is f***ing ridiculous.

Locked! Of course they're f***ing locked.

Of course.

Why does this bank hate us?

Oh, I found some nickels.

F***ing nickels.

Stupidest goddamn coin on the planet.

Hey, Jelly.

Things is looking up.

I just found us a bunch of nickels.

(MUTTERING) They shot him from there.

Went through him this way...

Drop the gun, bro.

You heard the man. Drop it.

Put the gun down! Put it down!

Put the f***ing gun down, dude.

Yo! Earth to dude!

-Drop the f***ing gun!

-Drop the f***ing gun!

Put the f***ing gun down!

-Drop the gun!

-Drop the gun, dude!

What the f*** are you waiting on?

(ALL CLAMORING)

PEANUT BUTTER:
Put the gun down!

Guys, what's up?

Drop the gun.

This? I found it on him.

I ain't interested in the f***ing provenance

of the gun. Just put her on the ground.

You gotta be kidding me.

Dude, I know that we're sort of

the junior varsity team around here,

but we'd appreciate it

if you'd surrender your weapon to us

when we're holding you at gunpoint.

This f***ing thing is FBI issue.

FBI? That's interesting.

Wait a minute.

An FBI agent tried to rob this bank too?

Or he was here investigating somebody.

We have at least five wanted criminals

in this bank. Right?

What the f*** is going on here?

-Bingo.

-You got it?

Nope.

I found that missing piece to your ear.

Now, if you gotta faint, I got ya.

Okay. Peanut Butter and Jelly came

through the front door there.

Darrien and Gates came down the stairs there.

Bullets flew north-south.

The blood splattered east-west.

If he got caught in the Crossfire,

it'd be north-south.

Darrien and Gates were on the wrong axis.

So were Peanut Butter and Jelly.

The FBI guy, Jack Hayes, was dead center.

With him in that position,

only two guys could've shot him.

Mitchell the computer guy.

But he wasn't armed.

So if you eliminate that option,

there 's only one other possibility.

The murderer must be

Weinstein.

(ALL GROANING)

-Weinstein?

-Yeah.

-You absolutely sure?

-Absolutely.

Weinstein, what's your 20? Oh, sh*t.

Oh, Sh*t.

Sh*t, they shot each other.

No, no.

There's no f***ing way that this a**hole

was able to draw faster than Weinstein.

No way. And where the f*** could

he get a gun and a silencer?

What do you make of this, here, spaceman?

I reckon that Weinstein's pissed because the

computer guy invited two parties to the heist,

and the computer guy, he's mad

because Weinstein killed the FBI guy.

And they both confront each other,

both draw, both die.

Why would Weinstein confront him now?

Surprise the bastard.

And why would Weinstein kill an FBI agent

in the middle of a bank heist?

To surprise the bastard.

Weinstein had the computer guy at gunpoint

when he came into the kitchen,

but the computer guy got two shots into him.

Well, maybe someone surprised

somebody else in some other manner.

What if it wasn't a confrontational moment?

What if they were allies?

Hey.

You better watch your f***ing mouth

when you talk about my friend.

He would never turn on me, ever.

We've been working together

for 15 years now.

And that means something

in this f***ing business.

Besides, the only people that had access

to the kitchen were, uh,

only Peanut Butter, Jelly and...

-And you, Gates...

-Oh.

...had access to the kitchen.

And the hostages upstairs in the ceiling.

Wait a minute. The hostages are crawling

around in the f***ing ceiling now.

You see that? This is it. This job is over.

No, no, wait, wait. You, wait here!

Darrien. Darrien, mate, listen.

Listen to me, all right?

That's kind of weird.

Hmm.

Well, PB, what are we gonna do now?

I got nothing, bro.

Except I'm gonna get this piece of ear

into the freezer up there.

Buddy, I swear, if you was a woman,

I'd marry you.

Well, I ain't.

Whoa, bro. You coming downstairs with me.

Where's the clicker?

We need it to get out of here.

So there are a couple more dead bodies.

That means we change the plan, all right?

It doesnt mean we call off the job.

The plan? You know what they say

about plans, don't ya?

No, what do they say?

They say if you wanna make God laugh,

tell him all about your f***ing plans.

And believe me,

that motherfuckers up there

laughing his ass off at us right now,

because ever since we entered

this miserable f***ing bank,

nothing has gone according

to the goddamn plan!

Now where's the goddamn clicker?

Weinstein had it, all right?

Yeah, no sh*t, Sherlock.

But where did he put it?

I don't know where he put it.

All right, listen, Darrien.

Just listen to me, all right? Just calm down

and listen to me, all right?

We should've gotten out of here

a long f***ing time ago.

-No, no, listen, mate.

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