Flypaper Page #8

The number-one criminal mastermind

in the world.

He's stupid smart.

This is not a bank robbery.

This is an organized ambush.

Vicellous Drum has a problem.

He's gotta kill a bunch of people

who are all connected to him

but he can't look like he's behind it.

So you're saying that each of us here

is connected

to this Whatever Drum person

for some reason?

Yes. Here, let me lay it out for you.

If I am right about this,

the FBI agent has been after Drum for years.

Darrien and Weinstein worked

for Drum before.

The Swiss bank representative

launders Drum 's money.

Mitchell Wolf is Drum's computer hacker

Peanut Butter and Jelly have

worked for him as decoys.

Each one of them could rat him out.

And as for the rest of you, who knows?

Maybe Mr Blythe denied Mr Drum a loan.

Maybe Madge

and her kind, wonderful, warm tones

offended Mr Drum in some way.

Maybe Mr Clean flirted with him

in a prison shower

Give one blowj*b in prison

and you never live it down, never.

Maybe we're all here by accident.

Like me, just collateral damage.

Oh, you have gotta be kidding me.

Lock us in a bank

and hope we all kill each other?

I mean, that is a sloppy plan,

especially for Drum.

Which is why he's here, in person.

Oh, come on.

Just think about it.

The blowtorch, the explosives,

they all went off at exactly the right time.

The FBI agent was obviously

the biggest threat to Drum,

so he had Weinstein take him out first.

See, that's right. Weinstein

was working for Drum from the beginning.

So was Mitchell, who knew

when the security system would be down.

And so Drum killed them next.

(GUNSHOTS)

Drum did his best to make it look

like a double murder

But the clicker that was in Weinstein 's mouth

was a big red flag

that something strange was going on.

My best guess is that Weinstein must've

hid the clicker in his mouth

to prevent the real killer, Vicellous Drum,

from getting out of the bank.

Next, Drum took out Darrien

with a rigged blowtorch.

And then Drum shot the Swiss Miss.

(GUNSHOTS)

Five down, only eight to go.

Oh, that is f***ing bullshit. You know what?

That's a nice little story you told, sunshine,

but I've got a vault to blow.

It's not gonna open up. Listen to me.

The money's like flypaper.

It's just a lure to get you here

so Drum can kill you.

Come on, hell,

there's no money in the bank at all!

Of course there's f***ing money in a bank.

Don't even say that.

No way, dude.

We have worked way too hard for this.

You are not listening to me.

This is not a bank robbery!

(ALL COUGHING)

Well, this is the best damn

non-bank robbery I've ever seen.

And you said there's

no money in the vault, eh?

You just don't get it. It's flypaper.

Yeah, eat your words, freak show.

Mother-roo.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

So it doesn't matter that the money is here?

Vicellous Drum is still gonna

try to kill everybody?

Yeah. I can't believe nobody's starting

to lose their mind right now.

(GUN COCKING)

I don't know which one of you

is Vicellous Drum.

You stay the hell away from me.

Aren't you gonna get a gun?

No, it doesn't matter.

Drum's plan was always to

take out numerous armed targets.

Our only hope is to outthink him.

So how do you kill a bank full

of armed people?

Cut off the lights, strap on the night-vision

goggles and take everybody out.

Jesus Christ,

how'd you come up with that idea?

In the office you said something about

there being night-vision goggles.

-Yes, there's a pair in the bathroom.

-So what more do you need?

Whichever guy goes for the goggles

is Vicellous Drum.

Or whatever girl.

Drachmas? How the f***

we gonna fence drachmas?

(CHUCKLES) Hey, how much you think

we've got here?

Oh, I reckon about 4 or 5 loads.

So, let's get cracking, eh? Chop-chop.

Really? Now you decide to save the bank?

No, man, I wanna go with you.

There's a f***ing murderer in here!

Well, I'm going too. I'm totally freaked out.

-I wanna go with you.

-Don't forget me, motherfuckers.

Oh, so we're all here.

Why don't we hold hands

as we go up to the roof, eh?

It's no use, guys.

You're never gonna get out of this bank alive.

Oh, would you not say ominous sh*t like that?

You gonna spook Jelly.

Actually, Tripp's right.

Your key won't work.

There's no battery in that Clicker.

(CLICKING)

Oh, you've got to be f***ing kidding me.

Now which one of you bastards

has the battery!

Vicellous Drum.

-You took the battery to keep us here.

-No...

Plus you spent half your time

wandering around the bank.

You could've killed anyone at any time.

And what's more mastermindish

than setting up the perfect crime

and then trying to solve it bit by bit?

I cannot believe I kissed you.

Doesn't take a mastermind

to get under your skirt, sweetie.

Oh, don't flatter yourself

that you'd ever get that far.

And the rest of you idiots,

if you'd been paying any attention at all,

you would've realised that all

the evidence points to Madge!

No, it don't!

(GROANS)

MADGE:
(SCREAMS)

Who turned out the lights?

GATES:
Oh, come on. What the f***?

Not again.

PEANUT BUTTER:
Shoot anything that moves.

Unless it's me.

JELLY:
It's Drum. it's f***ing Drum.

(SCREAMING)

Vicellous Drum.

Where is he?

We ain't seen dick-all, bro.

Drum?

(BEEPING)

Come on out.

Come on out!

PEANUT BUTTER:
Come on, Drum.

Come on out.

It's not me. I'm telling you,

I am not Vicellous Drum.

I shut off the lights because I knew the real

Drum would go for the night-vision goggles.

Then I went up to the bathroom and I waited.

Oh.

The sick kindly bank manager

with the heart of gold.

Everyone's gonna be shocked

when they hear it's you.

You think so?

Those clowns in the lobby

think you're Vicellous Drum.

So if I kill you, I look more like a hero.

And you kill me, you look

even more like Vicellous Drum.

So either way, you're just f***ed.

(GROANING)

MR BLYTHE:
Very entertaining story, Drum,

but no one's gonna believe it.

Come on out. No more lying.

The game is over.

KAITLIN:
Not so fast.

Tripp and I set you up.

We knew when the lights went out

that whoever went for

those night-vision goggles was our guy.

You can't kill all of us.

Can he?

No.

One million dollars each.

Untraceable.

All of you.

Two million dollars.

TRIPP:
Put the gun down!

Put the gun down and we'll talk.

Ah, f*** it.

And then there were six.

-Here, the Clicker.

-Thanks, bro.

Well, I guess that's all she wrote.

Take it.

-It's insured.

-Mmm-hmm.

FDIC, baby. You got to love the New Deal!

PEANUT BUTTER:
(CHUCKLING) Mother-FOO.

Thanks, badgers.

I just wanna say one thing.

From here on out,

me and Jelly is going straight, ain't we?

Yeah. Straight to the Hooters in Cancun!

(WHOOPING)

I almost forgot my ear. (LAUGHS)

So after all that,

two guys named Peanut Butter and Jelly

got away with all the money?

Yeah. It's crazy stupid.

I think they said they

were fleeing to Winnipeg.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes