Folk Hero & Funny Guy

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1

You cut me.

You cut me.

You cut me to the core.

You cut me, you cut me,

you cut me to the core.

I need you.

- Thank you.

- All right, all right.

That's David Kadowski everybody.

And remember, guys,

when you get the light

that means you really

have to wrap it up.

We can't keep going over.

All right, we are at number 37,

Paul Scott.

- Paul Scott, another no show.

- -No!

Paul Scott? All right, everyone,

give a big round of applause

for Paul Scott, yeah.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

So, I have this buddy.

He's a musician, pretty famous.

We've been friends

since we were kids.

And a few months ago...

I went on a road trip

With a buddy. And it was

an old friend of mine.

We'd known each other

since we were kids.

- Love you, David!

- And he's a comedian.

He's a very funny guy.

Um, but, he was kind

of down on his luck,

and he asked me if I want

to open up for him

on his east coast tour.

Sounds pretty cool, right?

- No, it was a f***ing...

- Breakthrough.

- Yeah, whoo!

- A breakthrough.

And it was two friends.

You know, two artists,

really, traveling

through the forgotten

coastal towns of America,

trying to make connections

with people.

No press agents, no publicity,

just a man and his microphone.

Anyway, I'd like to dedicate

this song to my buddy, Paul.

And, uh, should be good.

Who owns a flat screen TV here?

Anybody have a flat screen TV?

I recently got

a huge flat screen TV,

I went to the department store,

and the guy was like

"this is a 42-inch television."

I was like, "really? I don't

really think it's 42 inches."

I took out my tape measure.

It was 37 and a half inches.

I was like, "what's this?

This is 37 an a half inches."

He says. "Oh, no, no, you gotta

measure it diagonally."

Later on that night

I was getting frisky

with my lady back at my place,

she was like, "you don't

have an eight inch penis."

I was like, "no sweetheart,

we gotta measure it diagonally."

All right, thank you,

you've been a great crowd.

Good night, everybody.

- Hey, Randy.

- Have a seat.

You got your drink tickets?

- I do, yeah, thanks.

- How's Emily?

Good. Good.

We broke up,

but I hear she's good.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

She was very attractive.

Yeah, yeah, still is.

Still is attractive.

Still alive.

You guys were engaged, right?

- Yeah, mm-hmm.

- Sucks, man.

- That's why I never date hot girls.

- Yeah.

What about tonight,

how did you feel?

Good, good, I think

it went pretty well.

The crowd seemed a little...

A little distant,

but I think it was good.

Yeah, sure.

- Why? How do you think it went?

- Me?

I don't know. I mean,

I'm starting to think

maybe the act hasn't changed

that much in a few years.

Maybe it's starting to feel

a little early aughts.

What about that whole

linkedin versus Facebook rant?

I mean, isn't that basically

just a reworking

of your MySpace bit

that you used to do?

Everything is reworked

from something else.

Didn't you do like a friendster bit

before you did the MySpace thing?

That's my point, like,

it's just with the...

You're just filling in

new pieces

into a pre-existing

structure.

Anyway, look, I don't have

that much time up there.

It's all setup, punch line,

setup, punch line.

I don't know.

Maybe it's your delivery or...

Yeah, well, we were

talking about that,

doing like 30 or 35 minute

headlining set

and I feel I can really

kind of get into the rhythm

with these anecdotes,

like letting it roam.

Yeah, we can do that.

We can definitely do that.

Cool.

Or the other option

is you take some time off,

you come back when you have 15 or

20 minutes of like, fresh material.

Gives you a chance to reboot.

Recharge a little bit.

Recharge.

This kid's funny.

Dropped something.

- Hello?

- Hey man, what's up?

- Jason? -Yeah, what's

going on, dude?

Hey, how's it going?

You calling me from a new phone?

No, no, no,

I'm on Stacy's phone.

Sta-who's Stacy?

Stacy's a friend of mine.

She just... she's really hot.

Hey, you know where

I am right now?

We're at the ice bar.

You should come down here

and get a drink.

Dude, I can't.

I'm sorry. I'd love to.

When are you back in town?

I leave tomorrow morning,

so you've gotta come now, man.

There's three girls here,

they're super good-looking.

Come on.

Okay, one drink.

He has no idea.

He's lost in the music.

Turns out he didn't

take ecstasy,

he took my dad's dick pills.

- I hate it when that happens.

- Right?

Dude, you should work that

in your act, man.

- You're a standup?

- Yeah, he is.

Paul's the funniest guy I know.

Yeah? Go ahead,

tell us a joke.

Yeah, tell us a joke.

I usually tell... i usually do that

on stage where... with an audience.

It's a context thing.

I don't tell jokes, really.

Well, I mean we hung out at this

after party with Chris rock,

he was amazing

with just a couple of us.

He was telling jokes all night.

That's Chris rock. When you're in

that pantheon, like Richard Pryor,

and George Carlin,

and Steve Martin,

- like you can do anything.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait,

hear me out here, all right?

What if you come

on tour with me?

- Oh, that's awesome.

- What? Like a groupie?

I mean no offense.

- No, not...

- We're not groupies.

- Seriously. -No, I know,

that's what I'm saying.

- No.

- Not like a groupie,

- and no you guys are not groupies.

- Definitely not.

No, as my opening act, man.

What are you doing

for the next few weeks?

You want me to open up

for your band?

Oh, if you don't wanna do it,

my cousin actually knows

Hannibal Buress.

Be perfect for you.

I didn't say I don't

wanna do it, I'm just saying,

you know, just give me

a second to think about it.

Don't think about it

for too long, you know?

All right, ready?

Here's to comedy

- before folk rock.

- Cheers.

Hello?

- Rise and shine.

- What the f*** are you doing?

What do you mean what the f*** am I doing?

I'm picking you up.

Dude, I thought you were

bullshitting last night.

No way, dude, I wouldn't

bullshit about this.

Wait, hold the door!

Hold the door! I'm coming up!

Damn.

Okay, okay.

- Yo, what's up, dude?

- What's up, man? Hey.

- What a night, huh?

- Yeah.

I like what you did with the place.

It's nice.

- Thanks, yeah, it was featured

in "dwell" magazine. -Funny.

Well, our first stop's Jersey,

I wanna get on the road

and get going

before rush hour traffic.

Jason, I can't just eject

out of my life

- and join the f***ing circus.

- Dude, you're a temp.

- Can I have a beer? You want a beer?

- No, you go ahead.

I'm in a place

right now where I need

to focus on my writing,

I need to hunker down

and flesh out some new material.

Well, then flesh out

some new material on the road.

You are asking me to create an opening

act for a musical performance.

I can't just whip it up

in an afternoon.

You were on Conan.

Okay, I'm sure you'll be fine

on my solo acoustic tour.

- Yeah, in a sketch about Bartman.

- Yeah.

Anyway, my role

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