Fools Rush In Page #3

- No. I won't let them.

Isabel, l...

Don't. You'll just make it worse.

At least let me give you a number

so you can reach me.

No. It's better this way.

No complications.

Please, just don't.

So, take care of yourself.

Yeah, I will.

You, too.

What are you doing?

Get out of the way!

Don't do this.

There's nothing to say.

Just wait a minute.

There might be.

This afternoon I couldn't decide

between a Texas burger and a tuna melt.

But my life made sense, you know?

And now I know exactly

what I want.

And my life doesn't make any sense.

I was doing great this afternoon.

That was me.

It was me then.

And now I'm with you,

and I don't know what happened.

But somewhere between the tuna melt

and your aunt's tamales...

I was worried that I'd already met

the woman of my dreams...

at the dry cleaners

and I was too busy to notice.

But then you show up,

and I realize that's not true.

Because you're the one.

You are everything

I never knew I always wanted.

I'm not even sure what that means,

but I think...

it has something to do

with the rest of my life.

And I think we should get married

right now.

Well, well! Look who finally decided

to grace us with his presence.

Sorry, Jeff.

Could not be helped.

Oh, no, no.

You're not getting off this easy.

So? So, who is she?

I open the door, the next thing you're

off on a date with Jessica Rabbit.

Her name is Isabel,

and it wasn't exactly a date.

Okay, that's informative.

Let me ask you a question.

What the hell is dating...

except some drawn-out process

of elimination...

where you both try to present your

best side while hiding the real you?

That can only last about three months

because eventually it leaks out.

Then you spend the next three months

getting to know your real selves.

Then one of you wants a commitment,

the other wants to bail.

Then you have to start over again.

Dating is stupid.

Who are you, and what have you done

with my best friend?

You and Karen dated, what?

Five years before you got married?

- Look what happened with you guys.

- You're using the "M" word?

There's a woman on line one.

She says she's your wife.

The only wife around here is my ex,

and I am not in.

Ask her if I can call her back.

And get her phone number.

You married her?

The one with the body?

You're married?

Alex, does my life

mean nothing to you?

It's gonna be okay.

No, it is not gonna be okay.

- Who says it's gonna be okay?

- You gamble either way.

And you are just pissed

that I won on the first pull...

instead of putting quarters into the

wrong machine for the last five years.

Those were silver dollars.

And that slot machine now owns my house.

Alex, she says it's urgent.

It's urgent! The nightmare begins.

I can't believe you did this.

What were you thinking?

This is out of character for you.

This makes no sense. Why would

you marry her unless you knocked her up?

You knocked her up?

Yes, but that had nothing

to do with it.

I don't want to burst your bubble,

this being your honeymoon and all.

But do you know if this baby is yours?

Have you asked for a blood test?

I can't do that. She's my wife.

It's not like that. You don't know her.

Neither do you!

I welcome you in my home.

This is how you repay me?

Stealing my only daughter?

Getting married in that joke

of a chapel!

Without a priest!

Without her family!

Without my consent!

You are not a man.

You are a thief.

That's what you are!

Jesus!

In-laws.

He disowns me?

Fine. I disown him twice.

We disown him, me and the baby.

Let's see how he likes that.

He's your father.

You had Elvis walk you down the aisle.

Can you blame the poor guy?

- How'd your mom take it?

- I'm a sinner. She went to church.

- That bad?

- She's lighting all the city's candles.

- Hello, my wife.

- Hello, my husband.

Interesting house, Alex.

Did you decorate it yourself?

Yes, Lanie, I realize

it is a little dull.

No, you got that cozy

institutional thing going on.

Not after I spice it up.

It's just for the next four months.

Then what?

You turn back into a frog?

No. Then we open the club,

and we go back to New York.

We what?

We go back to...

New York.

You don't live here?

- No. I live in Manhattan.

- Well, I live here.

And I like it here. My family's here,

and my friends are here.

And my work is here.

You can't raise a baby in that city.

People do it all the time.

Have you ever been there?

There you go.

And you've never been off the strip.

There's more to Nevada than Vegas.

Like what?

Like legal prostitution?

That is such a guy thing to say.

If it's any consolation,

when I first got here, I hated it.

But Vegas, seriously,

grows on ya after a while.

Ladies, let me explain something.

Las Vegas is a sandbox.

A sandbox for adults with

too much money. New York is New York.

You got culture, museums.

You got the Yankees.

Why does every guy from New York think

there's nothing west of the Hudson?

- How come every girl from Vegas...

- Shut up.

We're gonna let them talk.

I've been saving to do this book

about the desert for five years.

I finally paid off my camera equipment.

My life is in Las Vegas.

And my work is in New York.

See?

This kind of conversation

usually happens on a second date.

Small, ugly thing biting me.

- Che! Che!

- Small, ugly thing biting me.

Stop it! Stop it, baby.

This is Che, my dog. I mean, our dog.

Welcome home.

I can't believe

this is the same house.

I know. Isn't it great?

It's their wedding present.

Not everybody feels like my father.

They wanted to do

something special for us.

- Say thank you.

- Thank you.

It's very special.

You don't like it.

No. I just never lived in anything

so bright and...

Jesus Christ!

Isn't it beautiful?

It's an antique.

It's been in my family for centuries,

and it will protect us.

Couldn't we trade Cujo in

for a Doberman?

That isn't funny.

You're hurting my baby's feelings.

What did your parents say

when you told them?

I feel so stupid. I forgot they went

to Europe for the summer.

It's April.

They like to get there early.

So you did all this in one day?

I should hire you to build the club.

I don't know that you can afford us.

You are so cute. Here.

I'm gonna get my camera

and take a picture of my family.

What are you looking at?

- So this is where you go every day.

- It opened last night.

I got a lot of complaints.

I think the fact...

there are no walls upset people.

It's going to be wonderful.

I can tell.

I wanted you to be the first guest

at our best table.

I'm very honored.

Alex, this is so romantic.

The candles.

And the wine...

I mean, the milk.

And pizza.

It's perfect.

Perfect would be if this was New York

and that was a Gray's Papaya Hot Dog.

What's a Gray Papaya?

Broadway and 72nd.

Four blocks from my apartment.

The best hot dog in the world.

And if we were in Mexico,

we would be eating...

albondigas.

They're this sort of meatball soup.

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